The eternal Family Guy Quotes thread (1 Viewer)

[Gregg Shiu]

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up!

 

[StephenA]

I was watching Family Guy the other night, the episode wher Brian keeps peeing. I caught a line I never heard before, even though I've seen the episode many times. Stewie said it right after Brian peed in the supermarket: "Get Patches out of here before he bends a French roll on the conveyor belt." It caught me off gaurd and I found it funny, so I had to put it in my sig.

 

[Malcolm R]

It's also quoted in post #65 of this thread. I thought it was funny too.

 

[WillG]

From "E Peterbus Unim"

Guy on Megaphone: Surrender at once

Peter: Who's gonna make me? You and what army?

Guy: The United States Army!

Pull back to see tanks and troops

Peter: Oh, that's a good Army

Peter in the Hollywood house where all Porno is filmed

"This house looks familiar"

"You will erect a statue in the town square! The statue will depict Blair Warner confessing to Edna Garrett that her entry for the creative writing contest was not her own, but a plagirism of a work by Emily Dickinson.

WE HAVE SPOKEN!"

 

[AlexanderS]

"When you least expect it, your Uppance will come!"

And in that episode where Brian pees in the supermarket its Biscuit, not French Roll.

 

[Matt Butler]

I just got started on Family Guy and Im loving it!

* Stewies reaction to waking up being breastfed by Peter is priceless!

* Stewie slides down the hall crashing into the planter: "Damn you Mop N Glo!"

Theres more but Ill post later.

 

[Beau]

Peter: Look Chris, a family of wasps!

Father: Why Margret, what a sub-par ham.

Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civilty at the table.

Father(to daughter): Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?

 

[NickSo]

Father(to daughter): Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?

 

[StephenA]

Matt Butler: I have that Stewie quote in my sig.

 

[David WS]

Doctor: Nothing to worry about Mr. Griffin, it's just a Fatty Corpussel in your breast.

Peter: Wait a minute, how did a Silent Film Actor from the 30's get into my breast.

Later...

Peter: "Doctor, are you hitting on me?"

Lois: Peter! He's just trying to explain your condition, he's not hitting on you.

Doctor: "Why can't it be both?"

 

[Dome Vongvises]

Must...get...first...volume....

 

[Beau]

Doctor: We know now why your nose glows red. It's a tumor.

Rudolph: A magical tumor.

Doctor: No a maligament tumor.

Rudolph: A HAPPY magical....

Doctor: You're going to die!

*Stewie can hear people in the other room of the motel*

Drug Buyer: You got the stuff?

Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money.

Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff.

Stewie: For god's sake, HE'S WEARING A WIRE!

Drug Dealer: What? You son of a...*Gunshots through the wall and sound of body hitting the ground*

*At Brian's mom's funneral*

Brian: Could you say a few words?

Stewie: Yay and God said to Abraham, "you will kill your son, Issak", and Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."

*Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note*

Stewie: Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S.- I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater, it's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button on the bureau, um I'm not sure what it goes to but um I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll, wait a minute actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again good-bye forever. PPS- You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky.

Ensign Ricky: Aw crap.

*Peter watching TV*

Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...

Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

Peter: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.

Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street.

Bert: *Answering phone* Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.

*Gets out of bed and gets dressed*

Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.

Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.

Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED.

Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

 

[AlexanderS]

Peter: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together. Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street. Bert: *Answering phone* Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. *Gets out of bed and gets dressed* Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED. Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

"This program is being brought to you by the letter H"

 

[Phil_L]

Peter: "This will take a portion of my cunning... no WAIT... all my cunning!"

Love this! which episode is it from?

 

[Angelo.M]

Peters' Friend: Hey did you bring the porno?

Peter: Did I bring the porno? You're gonna love it. Its a classic. (Puts in Assablanca.)

Cary Grant: Look Ilsa. if I take this thing out and your not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Peter: Ohh. Come on Ilsa get on it. (Funky music.)(Ilsa starts to get undressed.)(Snow then cuts to documentary.)

Narrator: The statue was originally a gift from France.

Friend: What is this?

Peter: Aww man, my kid must have taped over this for history class.

Group: Aww. What are we gonna do?

Peter: Boys, boys. We're gonna drink till she's hot.

Friend: Hey that's just crazy enough to work.

...

Peter: Come on you guys. I'm gonna buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had.

Peter: Yeah, I'd like 6,000 Chicken Fahjaitas please.

Drive through Speaker: I beg your pardon.

Peter: 6,000 Chicken Fahjaitas.

Brian: And a Sosage McBiskit please.

 

[Beau]

*Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland dicussing what woman they would want to have sex with*

Peter: That chick with three knockers from Total Recall

Cleveland: You know one of them was paper mashay(sp?)

Peter: Oh what, can I change my answer, OH COURSE I know they were paper mashay, I don't care!

 

[Nick Sievers]

Quagmire: I don't know fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. Hey Honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side?

Woman: Sure!

Quagmire: Woah Transvestite! Back Off! Wait a second, Pre-op or Post-Op?

Transvestite: Pre-op

Quagmire: Woah Transvestite! Back Off!

 

[Joe Acevedo]

Peter is taken hostage by two masked criminals.

Criminal: If we want the cops to take us seriously, then we are going to have to waste a hostage. But who?

Peter: Excuse me. Shouldn’t it be “whom?”

Criminal: Okay, you.

 

[AlexanderS]

Brian: Bravo Peter. You're the Spalding Gray of crap!

 

[Matt Butler]

Peter: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.

Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street.

Bert: *Answering phone* Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.

*Gets out of bed and gets dressed*

Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.

Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.

Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED.

Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

I forgot about this. I laughed my ass off at this one.

StephenA:

Ive seen it before in your sig but never quite appreciated it till now.