Need some serious advice here (yet another dating thread). (1 Viewer)

[Brian Harnish]

Thanks a lot for the advice, everyone. I do appreciate it! I'm currently making quite a few changes in my life right now. Number one -- I'm moving out of my stinkhole of a home with my parents (currently live w/mom and grandparents) and into my own place. I'm hoping to get approved for one within the next couple weeks! I will be checking out the apartment later today.

Plus, my own place will allow me complete control over what comes into and out of my house (foodwise) versus living with three other people. This will help me tremendously in the nutrition department. Plus, the lack of extra cash to spend on fast food will be a plus as well. PLUS (yes, another one), I'll also be able to finally focus on what I want to do in my life without any other distractions. Another plus is that I'll live significantly closer (as in walking distance) to 24 Hour Fitness.

Oh, and of course another major plus: I'll finally have my life together.

 

[Brian Harnish]

Thanks a lot for the advice, everyone. I do appreciate it! I'm currently making quite a few changes in my life right now. Number one -- I'm moving out of my stinkhole of a home with my parents (currently live w/mom and grandparents) and into my own place. I'm hoping to get approved for one within the next couple weeks! I will be checking out the apartment later today.

Plus, my own place will allow me complete control over what comes into and out of my house (foodwise) versus living with three other people. This will help me tremendously in the nutrition department. Plus, the lack of extra cash to spend on fast food will be a plus as well. PLUS (yes, another one), I'll also be able to finally focus on what I want to do in my life without any other distractions. Another plus is that I'll live significantly closer (as in walking distance) to 24 Hour Fitness.

Oh, and of course another major plus: I'll finally have my life together.

 

[Malcolm R]

...and drink and smoke a lot, too.

 

[Malcolm R]

...and drink and smoke a lot, too.

 

[MarkHastings]

That'll help. You'll be able to focus on who you really are. Give it time and don't get frustrated. Confidence isn't something you can force or even act out, it has to come naturally. As much as you act it, someone can always see right through it. And besides, you don't want to attract a woman with a phony image of yourself. That won't be good for holding onto her.

 

[MarkHastings]

That'll help. You'll be able to focus on who you really are. Give it time and don't get frustrated. Confidence isn't something you can force or even act out, it has to come naturally. As much as you act it, someone can always see right through it. And besides, you don't want to attract a woman with a phony image of yourself. That won't be good for holding onto her.

 

[Citizen87645]

My advice would be to follow what everyone here has said

I can understand the frustration with the "you find a girlfriend by not trying to find one" adage. I believe there is truth to the statement but it can be horribly difficult to see the HOW. How do I stop feeling lonely or stop the yearning that ultimately results in a downward spiral to depression? For me it requires some practical exercises in controlling my thought processes by taking some deep breaths, thinking of something else or reminding myself of things I've learned. For example, it is true you don't need a girlfriend to be a complete and healthy person. I've known plenty of people in relationships who are neither of those things. But at the same time don't deny your feelings; acknowledge them but then move on. Exercise or hang out with friends or put in your favorite movie.

As far as trying vs. not trying - I don't really have an answer for you. The best advice I can give is to use your emotional health as a gauge. Do you think you're better adjusted when you're trying or not trying? For a time I needed to try just to prove I could do it. I did online dating, speed dating, asking out women I was acquainted with, asking out total strangers. For that time I was pleased with myself, because they were things I had never had the courage to do. But after awhile trying (with no results) became a discouragement so now I'm in my "not trying" phase, spending time on things I enjoy, spending time with good friends. I'm certainly open to meeting new people but I'm really not interested in "putting myself out there" like I was doing before. I may go back to that, I may not. Ultimately my gauge will be what's leading to greater emotional health.

 

[Citizen87645]

My advice would be to follow what everyone here has said

I can understand the frustration with the "you find a girlfriend by not trying to find one" adage. I believe there is truth to the statement but it can be horribly difficult to see the HOW. How do I stop feeling lonely or stop the yearning that ultimately results in a downward spiral to depression? For me it requires some practical exercises in controlling my thought processes by taking some deep breaths, thinking of something else or reminding myself of things I've learned. For example, it is true you don't need a girlfriend to be a complete and healthy person. I've known plenty of people in relationships who are neither of those things. But at the same time don't deny your feelings; acknowledge them but then move on. Exercise or hang out with friends or put in your favorite movie.

As far as trying vs. not trying - I don't really have an answer for you. The best advice I can give is to use your emotional health as a gauge. Do you think you're better adjusted when you're trying or not trying? For a time I needed to try just to prove I could do it. I did online dating, speed dating, asking out women I was acquainted with, asking out total strangers. For that time I was pleased with myself, because they were things I had never had the courage to do. But after awhile trying (with no results) became a discouragement so now I'm in my "not trying" phase, spending time on things I enjoy, spending time with good friends. I'm certainly open to meeting new people but I'm really not interested in "putting myself out there" like I was doing before. I may go back to that, I may not. Ultimately my gauge will be what's leading to greater emotional health.

 

[Brian Harnish]

I DID IT!!!!!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE I FINALLY DID IT!!! I GOT THE APARTMENT!!!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! USA USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!!

Sorry about the caps, everyone. I'm just so excited! I'm FINALLY going to be out on my own! I almost can't believe it -- this is almost surreal. I got approved for my own apartment!

Whaahhh-hoo!!

 

[Brian Harnish]

I DID IT!!!!!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE I FINALLY DID IT!!! I GOT THE APARTMENT!!!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! USA USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!!

Sorry about the caps, everyone. I'm just so excited! I'm FINALLY going to be out on my own! I almost can't believe it -- this is almost surreal. I got approved for my own apartment!

Whaahhh-hoo!!

 

[Justin Lane]

That is a good move Brian. One thing I have found is that women (at least the ones worth investing time/money) look for men who have got their act together, which usually involves having a place of your own as well as a steady stream of income. As you become older (and the women you are looking to date as well), stability becomes more and more important when women look for potential relationships. Being cool, extremely good looking, or fun at a party becomes secondary to being a good provider.

As far as finding the right woman, that is a little bit tougher to do. I always found that being myself, and cultivating good friendships is the best way to meet new people (whether looking for relationships or just friendship). I have been off the market for over four years, so this advice may be dated in today's dating scene.

You could always try online personals, as you know both parties are looking for relationships. I have been hearing the E-Harmony commercials on the radio, and they seem to have a unique approach of matching an individual both on a personality profile as opposed to just a picture and a brief description of likes/interests.

Best of luck, and keep your head up.

J

 

[Justin Lane]

That is a good move Brian. One thing I have found is that women (at least the ones worth investing time/money) look for men who have got their act together, which usually involves having a place of your own as well as a steady stream of income. As you become older (and the women you are looking to date as well), stability becomes more and more important when women look for potential relationships. Being cool, extremely good looking, or fun at a party becomes secondary to being a good provider.

As far as finding the right woman, that is a little bit tougher to do. I always found that being myself, and cultivating good friendships is the best way to meet new people (whether looking for relationships or just friendship). I have been off the market for over four years, so this advice may be dated in today's dating scene.

You could always try online personals, as you know both parties are looking for relationships. I have been hearing the E-Harmony commercials on the radio, and they seem to have a unique approach of matching an individual both on a personality profile as opposed to just a picture and a brief description of likes/interests.

Best of luck, and keep your head up.

J

 

[Citizen87645]

Keep in mind that after spending 45 minutes filling out eHarmony's personality profile you may get this:


This is not meant to discourage you from giving it a try, but just wanted to warn you in case you had your hopes up. I guess I'm just too "middle of the road" to neatly fall into any grouping. This is consistent with other personality tests I've taken.

 

[Citizen87645]

Keep in mind that after spending 45 minutes filling out eHarmony's personality profile you may get this:


This is not meant to discourage you from giving it a try, but just wanted to warn you in case you had your hopes up. I guess I'm just too "middle of the road" to neatly fall into any grouping. This is consistent with other personality tests I've taken.

 

[Citizen87645]

It'd be interesting to gather all the eHarmony rejects and see what happens with them!

 

[Citizen87645]

It'd be interesting to gather all the eHarmony rejects and see what happens with them!

 

[Chris Tsutsui]

In order to be successful with women you're going to have to make some changes.

Don't know what works and what changes need to happen? Then you have to do the research. Buy books, e-books, buy audio Cds, go to seminars.

Don't have money? Use file sharing software and do searches for e-books, audio tracks, etc. Then go out an practice, practice, practice.

One book that I found a lot of helpful information (though a bit outdated by now) is called "Double your Dating" by David Deangelo. I suggest you suscribe to his weekly emailing list in which he answers questions and helps people with dating. The book should run you about $40, and you'll get three books.

If you put the effort into it, you should definitely see results. You might even become capable of dating any girl you want, which can be a very powerful tool.

Instead of posting questions like this in a Home theater forum where you'll get replies from married people, and generally less replies from PUA (pick up artists) and players/pimps. Why not try posting at forums such as fastseduction, etc. There are guys that can literally get 15 phone numbers in one hour from the most hottest girls you can imagine, and it's not because they are super handsome/rich/famous. It is because they know what works, and how to make it work.

Now if it's depression you are facing, that could be a different ball of wax. Getting a girlfriend might make things worse. I made the mistake of falling in love, and then getting that love torn apart after a long relationship. It's painful to see anyone go through a break-up, but it is the risk you'll have to take if you begin dating.

I'm just warning you that, if you do become the type of guy that can fall in love... I hope you also become the guy that can handle the new emotions that will come with it.

In time, you'll learn what a girl wants, how to make them feel attraction for you, and how women "test" men. Then if you arn't careful you might also find out how a woman can really hurt a man, and how much you can hurt a woman.

sigh... Don't think dating is all the fun and love it looks to be. You might see a couple that looks like they've been together for years, but they might only be on their first or second date and feeling awkward and nervous with eachother. Sure they'll have their fun, until they realize that things don't work out. There are girls that date 3-4 guys at the same time so I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket.

The viscious cycle continues until you find somebody "special".

Some tips and advice for along the way:

Never pay for a date, split the bill 50/50, or have them treat you. This will pay off in the end (and has for me).

Don't shower them with gifts or try to buy their affection. You'll only make them feel weird, and be pushing the romantic buttons which may lead to the M-word (marriage).

Never give a girl what they want. To tease a girl in a playful manner is the formula for flirting.

Don't spoil a girl by calling her every day, else she might become used to it and expect it. A girl might end up calling you every day if you don't call them, which I found more convenient b/c I could just let them leave a message.

BTW... Good job on the new APT. Here's a line you can use to get a girl to come inside and see it:

"I have to go to sleep and wake up early tomorrow, but I guess you can come inside for a little bit." Then you can say something like: "But don't even think about pulling any cheap moves on me, I'm not that easy".

Good luck man.. I know how tough it is in O.C.

 

[Chris Tsutsui]

In order to be successful with women you're going to have to make some changes.

Don't know what works and what changes need to happen? Then you have to do the research. Buy books, e-books, buy audio Cds, go to seminars.

Don't have money? Use file sharing software and do searches for e-books, audio tracks, etc. Then go out an practice, practice, practice.

One book that I found a lot of helpful information (though a bit outdated by now) is called "Double your Dating" by David Deangelo. I suggest you suscribe to his weekly emailing list in which he answers questions and helps people with dating. The book should run you about $40, and you'll get three books.

If you put the effort into it, you should definitely see results. You might even become capable of dating any girl you want, which can be a very powerful tool.

Instead of posting questions like this in a Home theater forum where you'll get replies from married people, and generally less replies from PUA (pick up artists) and players/pimps. Why not try posting at forums such as fastseduction, etc. There are guys that can literally get 15 phone numbers in one hour from the most hottest girls you can imagine, and it's not because they are super handsome/rich/famous. It is because they know what works, and how to make it work.

Now if it's depression you are facing, that could be a different ball of wax. Getting a girlfriend might make things worse. I made the mistake of falling in love, and then getting that love torn apart after a long relationship. It's painful to see anyone go through a break-up, but it is the risk you'll have to take if you begin dating.

I'm just warning you that, if you do become the type of guy that can fall in love... I hope you also become the guy that can handle the new emotions that will come with it.

In time, you'll learn what a girl wants, how to make them feel attraction for you, and how women "test" men. Then if you arn't careful you might also find out how a woman can really hurt a man, and how much you can hurt a woman.

sigh... Don't think dating is all the fun and love it looks to be. You might see a couple that looks like they've been together for years, but they might only be on their first or second date and feeling awkward and nervous with eachother. Sure they'll have their fun, until they realize that things don't work out. There are girls that date 3-4 guys at the same time so I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket.

The viscious cycle continues until you find somebody "special".

Some tips and advice for along the way:

Never pay for a date, split the bill 50/50, or have them treat you. This will pay off in the end (and has for me).

Don't shower them with gifts or try to buy their affection. You'll only make them feel weird, and be pushing the romantic buttons which may lead to the M-word (marriage).

Never give a girl what they want. To tease a girl in a playful manner is the formula for flirting.

Don't spoil a girl by calling her every day, else she might become used to it and expect it. A girl might end up calling you every day if you don't call them, which I found more convenient b/c I could just let them leave a message.

BTW... Good job on the new APT. Here's a line you can use to get a girl to come inside and see it:

"I have to go to sleep and wake up early tomorrow, but I guess you can come inside for a little bit." Then you can say something like: "But don't even think about pulling any cheap moves on me, I'm not that easy".

Good luck man.. I know how tough it is in O.C.

 

[Jason_Els]

I tried e-harmony to see if they could find anyone to match me. They promised a great deal and I hoped beyond hope that just maybe I'd find someone. There were 3 women in the area, only one of which responded to the initial contact form. We met for lunch and eneded-up talking for 2 hours about all kind of things. And just when I thought maybe, just maybe.... she shook my hand and stuck me with the bill!

After 2 fruitless months of waiting for someone other than the other 2 silent "compatibles" to show-up I quit e-harmony. It wasn't worth the wait for the price.

 

[Jason_Els]

I tried e-harmony to see if they could find anyone to match me. They promised a great deal and I hoped beyond hope that just maybe I'd find someone. There were 3 women in the area, only one of which responded to the initial contact form. We met for lunch and eneded-up talking for 2 hours about all kind of things. And just when I thought maybe, just maybe.... she shook my hand and stuck me with the bill!

After 2 fruitless months of waiting for someone other than the other 2 silent "compatibles" to show-up I quit e-harmony. It wasn't worth the wait for the price.