How important is sex in a marriage? (1 Viewer)

[Kevin P]

"How important is sex in a marriage?" Well, to add another oddball data point to the chart, take my marriage of almost 6 years now (6 years this coming Saturday!). If you saw us together you'd think we were married yesterday, we're very happy together, are virtually inseparable, always hugging and kissing, yadda yadda, so you'd think we were doing it practically every night, right? Well, let's just say it's highly unusual for us to "do it" twice in one month, and 2-3 month gaps are pretty much normal for us. Why? It's rare that we're both "in the mood" and not too tired on the same night. Sometimes I wonder if something isn't right with her, especially when we approach 3 months of no action, but there are so many other things about her that make her so wonderful to me that sex (or the lack thereof) doesn't really bother me. I figure a marriage is more likely to be successful if it doesn't rely on sex as a crutch.

I suppose on the plus side it makes us appreciate it more when it does happen!

 

[Tony Whalen]

Got problems? Fine, talk to me about it. Can't/wont talk? Fine, there's the door.

You nailed it there Rob.

COMMUNICATION with one another is the number-one requirement in a relationship.

You need to be able to talk about things like this without the need for "blame". I think you need to tell her that you need to discuss this rationally. In a positive aspect. Is there anything you can do to make your intimate time more fun/special/romantic/exciting for her? Maybe that would help.

But one way or another, you need to talk this out with her. Or it will get worse.

I hope this works out for you and your lady!!!!!

 

[Jeffrey Noel]

She is on the pill, and has been for 5 years. I even have condoms sitting on my computer desk as I speak. :frowning:

 

[Chris James]

Excellent post Tony!

I'm not saying your fiancee will cheat on you, or that all women are the same... but the "smothering" and the birth-control and the anger at the topic are warning signs of trouble to me.

This is the exact reason I decided to tell my story. I mentioned the "smothering," but Jeffery has both of the other "symptoms." I do feel for him, although he might not be in bad of shape as I (and some others that posted) was/were in. Deep down, I believe that one truly KNOWS when something is wrong. What they do about those feelings (intuition) is up to the individual. I ignored my feelings when I knew something was amiss. I paid in heartbreak and loss of the first half of my 20s. But, it's a very difficult thing leaving someone....even when you know it's for the best.

No matter what all of us tell Jeffery, he is going to have to work this thing out in his head. I believe by his initial post, he is starting to get the bad intuition. Where he goes from here is up to him. (Sorry if that sounded like a bad movie qoute or something)

 

[Jeffrey Noel]

We've already had a little dispute that I was smothering her and overprotective. So after she complained a couple of times I was like, fine, if that's what you want, so be it. I let her have the "freedom" she wanted. I didn't question her when she went to parties with her friends or went dancing with them. Then what do you know, she starts wondering if I don't care. She says that I don't act like I did. Duh! I'm doing what you wanted! Now enjoy it!

 

[Paul_Fisher]

This is what I meant, I just phrased it badly. And this is within marriage. I'm sure sex outside of marriage is even more "frowned upon" for those who adhere to Christian beliefs.

It is frowned upon, but it really comes down to each individuals decision.

My fiancee is Catholic and we have been together for over 4 years, and we've never had sex. It really doesn't bother me at all because I love her and I will support her in her beliefs.

I told her to get ready for our wedding night, cause I'm going all night long!!

 

[Jeffrey Noel]

I told her to get ready for our wedding night, cause I'm going all night long!!

Of course in increments of 3 minutes!

 

[Tony Whalen]

She is on the pill, and has been for 5 years.

Eep.

Hmmm....has she had a prior "scare", even though she was on the pill? Then I would think of her fear as somewhat justified.

Otherwise, her suggestions of the fear of getting pregnant APPEAR to be an excuse. (I say APPEAR as I don't kno her... Granted, the pill isn't 100% effective... and it is something that would scare most of us at that age... but still... pill and condoms? That's what, a 99% prevention ratio? No.. there is some other issue at work here, methinks...)


Either way, I think you seriously need to sit down and talk to her about this. It's not about meeting your needs... it's about building a healthy future with one another.

Wish I could help more Jeff... I know how ya feel. Been there!

 

[Paul_Fisher]

Of course in increments of 3 minutes!

Damn straight!!!! :b

Actually, more like 20 seconds.

 

[Jeffrey Noel]

Tony, no scares that I know of. She's only been with me and I definitely would have known if there'd been a scare.

What's really sad is when she says, "At least I don't have to worry this month." Meaning we didn't have sex the entire previous month.

 

[Tony Whalen]

Then what do you know, she starts wondering if I don't care. She says that I don't act like I did. Duh! I'm doing what you wanted! Now enjoy it!

*chuckle* Women. Ya gotta love 'em. Us poor guys just don't get it. No offense to any women reading this thread!

 

[Rob Gillespie]

Isn't it nice when you come to that realization?

It is, but it can be a painful experience getting there.

I basically got 'dumped' last September by someone ten years younger than me (I was 32 at the time). Long story which I don't need to relay here, but the upshot was that I came out of that pretty upset. Basically, I could see there were problems brewing but she couldn't/wouldn't talk about it and then declared me wanting to discuss was 'needy' or 'serious'.

Four weeks after we split, Tish - my best ever friend and previous ex of 2 1/2 years - died at the age of 32. The message I got from my recent ex was "Take care of yourself". That was it, nothing else. That was coming from an intelligent young woman who had lost her own grandmother only a few weeks earlier. No "Sorry to hear this" or any other type of condolences.

At that point I realised what (or more importantly - who) was important in my life and who wasn't. Any sadness over the loss of that relationship evaporated instantly and it was replaced by what I can only describe as 'bitterness'. Also at that moment, I decided there and then not to let any future partners walk all over me. Bollocks to you if you wont listen, understand and talk to me about issues which I feel are important. If you think I'm smothering you just because I feel there's something wrong - you know where the door is. If you think I will degrade myself by trying to make it work with someone who does not acknowledge my concerns - adios. F**k it. I wont be compromised like that again.

I'm now seeing someone who is just a couple of years younger than me, in a similar job, who makes me laugh (something me ex never did properly), who knows how to articulate her feelings, is not afraid to talk - and to listen - but above all else - knows what she wants. We have a very 'unofficial' relationship but it suits us both and there's quite a deep understanding between us. I look back now at my ex and think "What did I see in you?

And you know what? I met this woman online, on the iVillage site I mentioned above. I went on the message boards to let off some steam and met a cracking lass. Fate is not without a sense of irony, it seems.

Good luck guys.

Rob

 

[Leila Dougan]

You may also have her visit her gyn to find out if there's a medical reason for her lack of libido. Hormonal birth control is the absolute worst in squashing sexual desires. It's kinda ironic, too, because if you don't ever feel like having sex what's the point of BC? Even if she's been on the same pill for years, it can suddenly have an effect. She may do better on another brand (lots of women swear by Yasmin).

Also, you may recommend she reads Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...books&n=507846) the BEST book I have ever read on the subject. Even if she does not actively chart (you really can't do it accurately while on hormonal BC), she will gain a wealth of information which can really calm her fears and let her know what's normal and what might indicate pregnancy.

 

[Tony Whalen]

What's really sad is when she says, "At least I don't have to worry this month." Meaning we didn't have sex the entire previous month.

Yikes. Almost sounds like she views sex as more of a chore than anything else. A "required evil" or something.

Again, maybe you could approach a discussion from the viewpoint of "what can I do to make it more desirable/fun for YOU?"

I also know, from experience, that mosttimes we need to ask women what they like. We don't know on instinct. Being male, we're usally just happy...uh... banging away, shall we say. Women like other things, and they need to be comfortable enough with their partner to say "this is how I like to be touched."

Did I read correctly that you and she were each-other's first? This *could* also be fear and/or inexperience rearing it's head.

She needs to know that this is a serious issue. She also needs to know that with the pill AND a condom, the odds of her getting pregnant are usually pretty darned low.

 

[Jeffrey Noel]

It's kinda ironic, too, because if you don't ever feel like having sex what's the point of BC?

I've actually mentioned that to her. I mean why waste that money when you have nothing to worry about.

Actually, she told me that she may stop using them when we're living 3 hours apart. WTF? So those couple of times I'll see her throughout each month nothing is going to happen. Grrrrrrr!!!!!!


Tony,

I always try to please her in other ways, and I'm pretty successful at it! But still she refuses. That's what really boggles my mind. I like to and want to please her. Makes me question myself sometime.

 

[Rob Gillespie]

Makes me question myself sometime.

Jeff - excuse me here, but the best way I can reply to that is to quote Hudson from Aliens

"How do I get out of this chicken-shit outfit?"

Don't question yourself, question your situation.

 

[nolesrule]

Well, good luck on your wedding night. In general most people are so exhausted after the wedding that they just go through the motions (because after all, you're supposed to have sex on your wedding night) and then go to sleep.

I would recommend you have a small wedding with little to no reception so that you will have the energy to walk the walk, since you seem to have done a lot of talking.

 

[Tony Whalen]

Actually, she told me that she may stop using them when we're living 3 hours apart.

So say to her "so you'd be comfortable with us just using a condom?" Seriously, Leila may have a point. Great post Leila! She *should* talk to her gyn about it. Now how to suggest that to her, I don't know.

Again though Jeff... I can't stress it enough... communication is the key. Your lady needs to know this is an important issue. Right now, it sounds like shes...uh.. holding all the cards. And to me, that just isn't fair.

 

[Paul_Fisher]

I would recommend you have a small wedding with little to no reception so that you will have the energy to walk the walk, since you seem to have done a lot of talking.

Too late for that. We're going to have over 200 people at the wedding and reception, so I'm sure we'll both be tired. I don't really care if we have sex on our wedding night or not. Hell, I've waited over 4 years, I think I can wait one more day.

 

[Jared_B]

Jeff - Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine.

We were each others first. We had great sex for the first several months, but it died. Her excuse? She just "didn't like sex". I asked her what she liked, she told me, I did it. Didn't seem to help. My biggest problem was frustration from lack of sex. This more than anything caused the relationship to tank. The answer is YES - sex is important.

Before getting married, I had that little thing way in the back of my head telling me that something wasn't quite right. I chose not to listen. My divorce was final last week.

If you have this little thing in the back of your head right now, listen to it. The whole time I was married, all I could think about were all the fun times I probably missed out on from not being single during my college years. I'm 23 now, and doing what I can to make up for it.