Funniest joke ever! (1 Viewer)

[James Edward]

Brandon, you reminded me of a couple...

What do you name a one legged girl? Eileen.

What did the cab driver say to the one-legged fare? Hop in

 

[Keith Paynter]

Python fans already know the funniest (and deadliest) joke in the world...

(translated for your safety):

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

 

[Jeff Gatie]

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

 

[Dave Poehlman]

What do you name a one-legged girl from Japan?



Irene.


* no offense meant to any female, one-legged, Japanese HTF members out there.

 

[george kaplan]

From my Marine Corps days (this was the 80s as you'll no doubt surmise). I assume I don't need to add that it's not exactly clean.

How is Nancy Reagan like a tampon?

They're both stuck up cunts

 

[MarkHastings]

What about members with the name Irene?



Oldie but goodie:

A farmer has 3 daughters and they're all going out on dates. The farmer decides to sit on the front porch (with a shotgun in his lap) to look over each gentleman caller.

The first gentleman caller approaches and the old farmer holds up his gun: "What's your name and why are you here?"
The shaking young man replies: "My name is Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"

The farmer drops his gun and calls out for Flo. The two go off into the night.

Another gentleman caller approaches and the old farmer holds up his gun: "What's your name and why are you here?"
The shaking young man replies: "My name is Eddie. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going out for Spaghetti. Do you know if she's ready?"

The farmer drops his gun and calls out for Betty. The two go off into the night.

The final gentleman caller approaches, but this guy isn't phased when the old farmer holds up his gun: "What's your name and why are you here?" he barks.

This confident young man replies: "Hi, my name's Tucker..."
...so the farmer shot him.

 

[StevenFC]

Funny stuff guys.

Here's one that I'm not exactly proud to say came out of my evil head.

What do you call a fisherman that always knows which lure to choose?


Why a master baiter of course!

:rolleyes

 

[Jeff D Han]

Here's a silly joke that has always stuck in my head.

How did the ethnic burn his face?

Bobbing for french-fries.

Here's another one-

A guy was drinking in a bar, sitting next to a piano with
a player and his pet monkey. So the guy's drinking, and all
of the sudden the monkey walks across the piano and urinates
in the guys drink. Angry, the guy says to the player, "Hey!
Do you know your monkey took a leak in my frosty mug of
beer?" The player says "No, but if you can hum a few bars
I might recognize it".

 

[Gary_E]

A man walking down the street saw a sign in a bar window that read -
PIANO PLAYER WANTED

So the man went into the bar and applied for the job. As part of the interview, the bar owner asked the man to play something on the piano for him. Obligingly, the man sat down at the piano and began to play.

The bar owner was very impressed and told him that melody may be the finest he has ever heard. “Who wrote that song?” the bar owner asked. “I did” the man replied. “And what is the name of that song?” the bar owner asked. The applicant replied “She Sat on My Face and Farted”.

The bar owner looked puzzled. “What kind of name is that for such a beautiful song?” the bar owner asked. The man shrugged, “I write fantastic music but I’m not very good at titles.” The bar owner asked him to play another song and the man again performed a stunning melody. “And what’s the name of this one?” asked the bar owner. “My Tits In A Ringer For You” replied the man.

The bar owner was so impressed with the man’s talent, he gave him the job under one condition; he was never to tell any patron the title of any song. To this the man agreed.

Opening night the man played for a full house and the crowd was thoroughly enjoying themselves. Suddenly, as the front door opened and a couple entered the bar, a gust of wind blew the sheet music off the piano. After bending down to retrieve the papers, a woman at an adjacent table leaned over to the man and whispered, “Sir, do you know you have a hole in your pants and your balls are hanging out?

The man replied,
Know it, I wrote it!

 

[Jason Hughes]

How can you tell if a blond is having a bad day?

Her tampon is stuck behind her ear and she can't find her pencil!

 

[John Titan]

here's one...

Three tampons are walking down the street which one waves?


None, there all stuck-up c*nts

 

[Mark Sherman]

I F'n love that joke infact i was just about to submit it. Good stuff

 

[RyanAn]

Take credit from the Giant Book of Dirty Jokes with hilarious extentions on unnessesary build-up by me.

Warning - These jokes are rated PG-13 - or X, you choose.



I don't know why the only two jokes I told revolve around fecal humor, please don't think less of me.

"But how could we think less of you?" zing!



The most popular performance artist in the world is about to perform at a sold out venue that was built just for him. It's the largest venue in the world, and tickets sell out instantly.

Every show he has ever done sells out in an insane amount of time, the only thing is - it's not some typical act, the guy eats a plate of shit. People just can not get enough of seeing this guy eat the plate of shit.

On the opening night of the new venue, the performance artist comes out to a packed, sold out crowd. In the middle of the stage is the plate of shit sitting on a stool. The artist picks up the plate and inspects it. Within a matter of seconds, he throws the plate down on the ground, shattering the plate and the shit flies everywhere. He storms of stage and his agent yells:

"What are you doing? This is the biggest event of our lives? You'll ruin us! Why on Earth aren't you eating the shit?"

To which the artist exlaims:




Ryan

 

[James T]

What do you call a black man who flies a plane?

a pilot, you racist

I heard that one last week and couldn't stop laughing.

 

[Kevin M]

Man: "Do you smoke after sex?"

Woman: "I don't know...I never looked."

 

[Christ Reynolds]

james t, i heard that one before, i also loved it. but i heard the punchline as a pilot, you fucking racist
guess it depends on whether youre telling it to your grandmother or not

CJ

 

[George_W_K]

Tonto Kawalski, and, "NOT ANOTHER F-ING HAT!"

 

[Christ Reynolds]

kevin m, your sig should read "In Heaven, everything is fine" shouldnt it? i hate nitpickers usually.

CJ

 

[Kevin M]

No Christ, it isn't supposed to be an exact quote so it is exactly as I wish it to be..more of an ironic juxtaposed comment than a lyric..thanks anyway though.