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Funniest joke ever! (1 Viewer)

LewB

Screenwriter
Joined
Feb 11, 2002
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1,282
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says: 'why the long face' ?

A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. Bartender says "hey, where the hell did you find that" ?
Frog says: "Brooklyn, they got thousands of them there"
Thanks to Robin williams in 'The Aristocrats' for the rabbi-frog joke.

Anyone ever see the Heinekin beer commercial that was set in a bar ? They had a table with a blond and brunette and a red head, they had a horse walk in .... basically 30 seconds worth of 'bar jokes' Laughed my ass off every time I saw it.
 

Grant B

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There were 3 peanuts walking down the street and one was a-salted

(It didn't help the Germans either!)
 

Brook K

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Well, I object to all this sex on the television! I mean, I keep falling off!

That was Great Britain's entry in the 1972 European Joke Finals.

It came last.
 

Paul McElligott

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A hydrogen atom walks into bar. The bartender says, "You're looking kind of down. What's wrong?"

"I just lost an electron."

"You sure?"

"I'm positive."

:D
 

Chris Dias

Stunt Coordinator
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On that note....

A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a beer. And the bartender says "Hey for you, no charge."
 

Blaine Skerry

Second Unit
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Aug 15, 2001
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277
A guy calls his plumber and says "I got a leak in my basement."
The plumber replies "Go ahead, it's your basement."

You'll laugh 'til you stop.
 

Rob Gardiner

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WARNING! DIRTY JOKE AHEAD. If it bothers you, please move on to the next post.


A young man, barely of legal drinking age, walks into a bar, and announces he is there for a special occasion.

The bartender asks, "What's the occasion?"

The young man replies, "I've just had my first blowjob!"

The bartender happily says, "Have a shot of whiskey on the house," as he pours the drink.

The young man says,

"With all due respect, I don't think that will get rid of the taste."
 

Randy Tennison

Screenwriter
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Randy
A 911 operator takes a call from a hunter, frantically screaming that he accidently shot his buddy, and that he's dead. The 911 operator says, "calm down, sir. The first thing we need to do is to make sure that he is dead". The hunter says ok, puts the phone down, and a shot is heard through the phone. The hunter picks up the phone, and says, "yep. now I'm sure".

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear says, "Excuse me, Mr. rabbit. do you have trouble with $hit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "Why no, Mr. Bear, I dont" so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit
 

Micah Cohen

Screenwriter
Joined
Jun 8, 2000
Messages
1,161
"ADD kids." That's fricking funny! :D

Guy's watching TV on his couch when he hears a knock on his door. He gets up, opens the door, and, looking around, sees no one there. He looks down, and there on his porch is a snail. He picks up the snail and tosses it across the yard.

Three weeks later, the guy's watching TV on his couch when he hears a knock on his door. He gets up, opens the door, and, looking around, sees no one there. He looks down, and there on his porch is a snail. The snail says:

"WHAT THE FUCK'S WITH THAT?!"

MC
 

Steve Christou

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A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy sees a honey bee. He runs over and stomps on it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy sees a butterfly, so he runs over and stomps on it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.

Suddenly a cockroach crawls out from under the stove. His mother stomps on it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her dad, or should I?"
 

Steve Christou

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An oldie but goldie...

Holidaying in Spain, a man visits a restaurant where he sees a diner wolfing down two large pink objects. "I'll have those, please." he tells the waiter. "I'm sorry senor," comes the reply, "but zey are cojones - the testicles of ze bull killed in ze local bullfight. We have no more until ze next fight."

Disappointed, the man returns after the next bullfight. The Waiter remembers him and brings out two steaming balls. "Hang on," says the man."These are tiny. The others were four times as big." The waiter shrugs. "But senor, sometimes ze bull, he wins."
 

Chu Gai

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fuckin' ass it won't be Coco Pops."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
 

James Edward

Supporting Actor
Joined
May 1, 2000
Messages
855
A woman goes into the hospital to have a baby- and only a head comes out.
But it's alive, so she goes home and cares for him day after day for 18 years.
One day, the phone rings- and a doctor says, "Mrs. Johnson, I have great news- there's been a terrible accident near the hospital- someone was decapitated, and we have a body for your son's head."

So the mother runs up the stairs yelling- "Johnny, have I got a surprise for you!"

Johnny replies- "Not another fucking hat!"
 

ChristopherG

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An old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. "Because" replies the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of strangers. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear" he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
 

Brandon_T

Screenwriter
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Oct 3, 2000
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Typically women with big boobs work at Hooters, but where do women with one leg work?

Ihop


I feel so wrong for telling that, but it is funny. No offense meant.
 

Dave Poehlman

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A man walks into a bar with beautiful women hanging all over him and a tiny man sitting on his shoulder. He sits down at the bar and pulls out an enormous wad of cash and proceeds to buy the entire bar a round of drinks. Once the bartender has all the drinks set up and collects the cash, the tiny man jumps down from the man's shoulder and runs down the bar kicking over everyone's drink. Apologetic, the man proceeds to buy another round of drinks with the same result; the tiny man leaps down from his shoulder and kicks over all of the drinks.

Seeing the bartenter is furious, the man explains, "I'm sorry but you see, I found this magic lamp with a genie inside who granted me 3 wishes."

"Really?" the bartender asked, now curious.

"Yeah, first I wished to be irresistible to women", he said motioning to the beautiful women at his sides.

"Wow! What else did you wish for?"

"My second wish was for an unlimited supply of money" he said pointing to his pile of cash.

"Then what's up with the tiny guy?" the bartender asked.

With a sigh, the man said, "my third wish was for a 12 inch prick."
 

ChristopherG

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Chris
So a guy goes into a whorehouse, and says to the guy at the desk (yes, there's a guy at a desk), "Hey, how much for an hour with your finest whore?" and the desk guy says "A thousand bucks." and the guy goes "A thousand bucks? Damn, that's a lot of money... but OK, I'll take it." So he goes upstairs to the room and the whore is in there. The guy goes over to the bed and sits down, and starts jerking off. The whore is like, "Um, what are you doing? Didn't you just spend a thousand dollars to screw me?" and the guy looks up and says "Yeah! For a thousand bucks, did you think I was gonna let you have the easy one?"
 

Rajen

Agent
Joined
May 30, 1999
Messages
48
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500? "In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
 

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