Friends of the opposite sex when in a relationship-The Rules (1 Viewer)

[Elizabeth S]

i'm probably sounding like a male-pig, but i gott admit that's kinda surprising to hear .. coming from a gal. heck, even i think if my gf cheated on me, i'd ace it. but who knows ... i guess that's a true test of love.

Honestly, I think the things that I consider a sign of true love may be seen by others as desperation and a lack of self-respect. When I analyze it in my mind, however, I see acceptance and forgiveness as a major component of love. So, yes, I have put up with many things that others probably wouldn't abide. But that's my nature -- love means a lot of self-sacrifice -- I would have given my life for the man I loved, surely I could accept a fling. I've had meaningless flings myself, so I realize it truly doesn't always mean much.

That being said, most of my relationships were not "typical" situations, so my views are probably different.

 

[Citizen87645]

In my experience it is one thing to forgive and another to trust. I may forgive someone but it takes more time to rebuild trust, if it can be rebuilt at all. Some might think I haven't really forgiven the person, but in my mind they are two separate issues, though not mutually exclusive. I believe the ability to trust again can only begin with the act of forgiveness.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Where are the women on this board, post damnit!

Alright alright. . .

I think a pure friendship between a man and a woman is certainly possible, but perhaps not terribly probable.

My husband is the number one person in my life, with the possible exception of my immediate family. I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship.

I, personally, don't find any reason to decline a friendship just because of gender. Afterall, a friendship is supposed to be based on personality and character. A certain limit of intimacy is exptected of friends, otherwise they would simply be acquaintences.

That being said I give my husband, more or less, veto power on my friendships. Of course he is very accepting and usually is in agreement with me so it's not a big deal. If he were a lot more controlling or jealous I probably would not, but then again I don't think I would have married to such a man.

I tell my husband everything about who this person is, what we do or talk about, where we are, etc. We have excellent communication in this regard. My husband is always invited to come with us, though he usually declines and hasn't even met some of them. If at any time he feel uneasy about my male friends and would really prefer I didn't spend time with them alone, I will fully oblige. My husband's feelings are number one to me and him being unhappy only contributes to our relationship's deterioration.

It probably sounds like I come from Victorian ages with my view, but I assure you it goes both ways. If at any time I am uncomfortable with his female friends he will respect my feelings top priority. For either of us, this doesn't mean completely abandoning the relationship, it means decreasing intimacy and limiting interaction to large social events only.

There have been a few times, unfortunately, that my male friends assumed our friendship was more than it was. At the point they try to cross the boundry, they are outta there. I will not tolerate a person who blatently disrespects my marriage when it means so much to me. I've also had a few male friends who I know wished there was something more, yet never ever gave any indication they did. This can work out for a while but I've noticed it usually evolves into them saying or doing something indicative of their true feelings. Finding male friends is difficult, but for me is still infinitely easier than female friends. I am usually just very cautious, put my husband above anybody else, and make my feelings known to everyone else.

 

[Alex Prosak]

I find it difficult to have good friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship. I've had some but not too many and all were friendships developed in the workplace. If I mention another woman's name a couple times my wife tends to get a little jealous. She knows I'd never do anything to hurt her trust or our relationship but she still feels that way. If I ever go out after work without my wife it is in groups only.



I think this is almost universal, my wife is the same way. It seems almost every good friend she's had that's been a woman has always done something at somepoint to ruin her trust. She's very hesitant to reach out toward women as friends anymore.

Guys can do the meanest things to each other as practical jokes and it's all good afterward. Have a laugh and just know it's your turn next. If a woman ever pulled something, they'd be enemies till the day they died. Sorry for the minor thread hi-jacking.

 

[Citizen87645]

I've known a few women who have expressed this and have never learned the exact reason. For me it has been much the same from the male side, up until the last couple years. I've always had difficulty really feeling comfortable around "guys" because my interests have never included team sports or cars or any of the "typical" male interests. Technology has been the only redeeming factor The shift really happened because I started hanging out with older guys (most at least 12 years older) and found some others my age who have similar sensibilities. Up to then I always had more female than male friends.

 

[Leila Dougan]

I've known a few women who have expressed this and have never learned the exact reason. For me it has been much the same from the male side, up until the last couple years. I've always had difficulty really feeling comfortable around "guys" because my interests have never included team sports or cars or any of the "typical" male interests. Technology has been the only redeeming factor The shift really happened because I started hanging out with older guys (most at least 12 years older) and found some others my age who have similar sensibilities. Up to then I always had more female than male friends.

I'm pretty much like this, too. I find it difficult to maintain friendships with women because I just don't have much in common with them. I'm not into the typical girly things like shoes, or shopping, or makeup, or whatever. My interests lie with technology, and all things related to home theater (obviously ). Most girls I know have no idea about any of these topics, but the few that do have been pretty good friends. I also have a somewhat crude sense of humor and can usually joke with the guys whereas a lot of girls just turn up their noses in disgust. Plus, I really can't take the cattiness and rivalry and I find it hard to just "be".

My preference has pretty much always been with me. I remember when I was 5 and 6 playing GI Joes and Transformers with the neighborhood boys and I've never had that "eeew" view of boys a lot of elementary school girls have. As one psychologist told me, I'm just a lot more "balanced".

 

[Citizen87645]

I can't imagine even making such a statement to someone who is attached! In some ways that's just as bad as a physical move.

 

[JonZ]

Commenting on what was said earlier I know a few women who actually enjoy mens company more than womens.

They think women are too "difficult"(I wont say what they say - dont want to be attacked) to be around and enjoy the comradery of men more.

 

[MikeDeVincenzo]

Dang. You know, when I read threads like this, I just have to wonder how much orgasms are worth it. I mean, yes, unquestionably, they FEEL GREAT, but in exchange you have to put yourself in this world of neverending shit, pain, and most importantly, DISTRACTION from the rest of your life.

-- Victim of an elaborate six year, on-again off-again wonderously amazing and incredibly painful relationship.

 

[Citizen87645]

Well, clearly there's more to it than orgasms, otherwise everyone would do just fine on their own and spare themselves the hassle.

 

[MikeDeVincenzo]

Cameron

I should have made my original post a bit clearer.

The broader point I was trying to make was that in the conext of male-female friendships, its sex that's looming like a dark shadow over everything, and what ultimately leads to threads like this one.

But in terms of relationships themselves, yes, its more than sex, its emotional fufillment and security, clearly.

By the by, this is one of my favorite rants on this topic:

Just Friends '93

 

[JonZ]

"....but in exchange you have to put yourself in this world of neverending shit, pain, and most importantly, DISTRACTION from the rest of your life."

Which is why you have to find someone who doesnt put you through that stuff.

I agree that no relationship,be it girlfriend or friends is worth shit,pain,aggravation,etc.

Theres a difference between going through those things for someone than going through them because of someone.

I had to end both a relationship and a 15 year friendship (who was male BTW) because of the grief they were causing me.She was too jealous and he became a selfish self pitying prick(which was affecting me since I was living with him at the time).

For my own wellbeing I had to walk away.

I'll never understand some of the reasons why people stay in bad relationships.

I have a friend at work,a older women whos dating a younger man. Hes possessive, jealous,mean spirited.He tells her shes stupid ugly fat, she'll never get anyone else.He'll kill himself is she leaves him,everyone else is more inportant than him, blah blah ,etc etc.

She wont leave him for good becase she cant be alone - so she lives lke this.For 2 years Ive been hearing about what he does. She breaks up with him, gets lonely and goes back.This has been going on for 2 years.

The friend I mentioned above stayed with a cheating wife because he "didnt want to start over again" or "be alone".

It doesnt make any sense to me.

 

[Citizen87645]

If it's one thing I've learned things rarely make sense when it comes to relationships. I think if a person chooses personal well-being over everything else, the choices (as hard as they may be) become obvious. The lack of self-respect, inability to see past the situation, and simple fear are powerful barriers to making the right choices. My "rule" is that in any relationship - be it friendship or otherwise - I should at least break even. I should be at least as healthy now as I was before the relationship. If I'm worse off emotionally, morally, spiritually then something has to change. Again, easy to say but very hard to follow, especially when the emotions are involved.

 

[Elizabeth S]

I've never been afraid of being alone -- I love my solitude, and am very able to go to movies, concerts, etc. alone. I think the thing that kept me in a painful relationship was that I loved him, and I wasn't sure I would ever feel quite that depth of feeling again. It's now about 15 years later, and I never have, though there've been other relationships. If I never find that again, it's OK -- I know in my heart I loved someone more than many people will ever experience in their lives. I haven't been involved with anyone for a while, and I've never felt so FREE and unencumbered. I have a problem with moderation, and when I care, I tend to be too consumed, which is not good for anybody. I think some of us do better alone.

 

[Aurel Savin]

well I have been in the strangest relationship in my life for the past year with this great woman who has become my soulmate. we undersatand eachother like no other.

she insists to this day that we are just friends even though we slept together, go out together and share pretty much everything together. Althought this has been mostly for the last 2 months.

as someone said, women look for someone who understands them first and foremost and someone who fights for them, and I certainly never felt this strong about someone where my attention is totally undivided.

BUT .. I am afraid I met her while she was with someone else, and while we were really just friends and nothing happened during those times, I did feel a strong connection even then and felt she was looking to get out of her current realtionship. So, sorry, I am "one of those friends".:b I did not mean harm and was aware of her existing relationship and must say that everything that followed over the months after initially meeting her was totally in her hands. Now I am also a firm believer, as much as it sucks when it happens to me, that if you are not married, you are "technically" single even though you might have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Also, while I have quite a few female friends, I must say that over time I ended up sleeping with most of them. it has not ruined our friendship, but rather answered some questions sometimes (like we are not meant for eachother in certain ways).

as far as letting my girlfriend "hang out" on her own with friends, I would let her. It is all a matter of trusting her and being confident that you are treating her like no other could.

but then again what do I know ... it is just life after all

 

[Citizen87645]

And what will you do when she begins dating someone? Will you still be able to be her friend? I ask because I was in a similar situation and I found I couldn't, despite how much I tried and how much I wanted to be. But again I had to be honest with myself and make my emotional health the priority. It was a tough decision but in the end the right one.

 

[Christian Behrens]

I think some of us do better alone.

Too true.

-Christian

 

[Aurel Savin]

And what will you do when she begins dating someone? Will you still be able to be her friend?

I think I could, as we started on that level .. as friends.

Not sure if I read it here on this forum or somewhere else, but someone once said and it rang true to me:

"You can always fall in love after being friends with someone for a long time, but if you are lovers first and things don't work out ... you can never be friends later."

 

[Citizen87645]

This has remained a hope for my situation as well, but I don't see it realistically happening in the near future given how we have only now started to heal. I don't think anyone is interested in either opening wounds or repeating the past. That has ultimately resulted in not so much an end to the friendship but certainly a sort of intentional distance, which I imagine will just become a standard scenario of two people losing touch because of different directions. There is also the factor of whether the guy she sees will even find it acceptable for me to be in her life or if the person I'm seeing will with her in my life. Which nicely brings us back to the original question of this thread

I do hope things work out for you Aurel.