Anyone else have a FEAR of DATING??? (1 Viewer)

[AllanN]

Man I can barely keep up with this thread.

Since then I have hit bottom with my self esteem, saw myself gain weight, and lost all ability to talk to women as I once did without a problem. I have spent the last 6 months just living to better myself.

It only took one bad relationship to send me on the downward spiral. Not to mention the fact that I moved to a new city just afterwords. I remember sitting alone in my new place in a new city, with my friends Jack Daniels and Tyler Durden (I must have watched fight club at least twice a week). Although looking back im glad it happened that way. It forced me to deal with things and move on. Funny, it was a year to this day we broke up. My advice is to take things head on. It gets easier all the time. Just a couple of days ago I found myself talking to a really cute girl at a bar, I almost surprised myself. Nothing happened though because I had somewhere to be and it was out of town.

 

[Jenna]

Patrick, fair enough.
I'm very upfront about my feelings because I don't want to waste my time or anyone else's, nor do I want to lead anyone on. I tell them it's "two friends meeting for coffee" and to get to know each other better, whether it leads somewhere or not. I make no promises, nor do I expect any. I offer friendship whether the "date" fails or succeeds.
My theory is "just because we didn't make it as a couple is no reason not to be friends." Of course, it helps if both parties see it this way.

 

[Ryan Wright]

To me, the ideal relationship would grow out of a true friendship. (snip) Wouldn't being friends FIRST enhance the chances of a better relationship for both parties???

The problem is moving past the "we're friends" stage. It's difficult, if not impossible, for a man to be "friends" with a woman he is attracted to. We're constantly wondering, "If I kissed her, what would happen?" The woman, on the other hand, gets into this comfort zone with the friendship and refuses any and all advances to the relationship. If we try to push the issue with her, we get, "I don't want to ruin our friendship."
I agree that the ideal relationship would grow out of a friendship, I just don't think it's something that happens very often. The better idea is to go for the kissing first so there is no question of your intentions. Then, work on the friendship. Don't go with the high profile, dress up and expensive dinner type dates every weekend. Sure, you do that once or twice, but then you need to quickly move the relationship into deep, personal territory. Friendship territory. That means going about your normal life and bringing her (or him) along, and being yourself - 100% - rather than the different person you are when you're "dating".
People are stand-offish about relationships because they don't want to get hurt. This is what keeps the relationship from growing into a strong friendship. My advice to anyone would be to establish intentions and then develop a strong friendship. The inevitable breakups will be worse, but the only way to get to know and establish a strong friendship with someone is to get close.

 

[Mark Zimmer]

date, date, date....I think I had one of those in 1981 or 1982. But the countless rejections before getting one date (inevitably followed up by the "f" word--let's be friends) just hardly seemed worth it. I'll stick with my dog, thanks.

 

[Jenna]

Oh I see from your latest post that you also have a killer HT. Seriously, showing off the old HT would probably be a great way to start off a relationship with a guy.

Andrew, you know what? That would be my curse....that I'd finally find someone that I really, really like and trust; take him home, and end up with a "couch potato" who falls in love with my HT, rather than with me! The irony of it all! :rolleyes

 

[Patrick Sun]

So, you're really just afraid of your HT turning a prospective S.O. into Al Bundy.

 

[Dean DeMass]

OK Jenna, why don't you move to Chicago and we'll get this all fixed.

 

[Dean DeMass]

My left-center fielder on my softball team just put together a Co-ed softball team and I am on it. Now lets see what kind of trouble I get into there. I have run into so many nice girls while playing softball and all of them are there to watch their meathead boyfriends. I get the smiles and the looks, but I don't get the company. Then I see how some of these guys act and they are just major douchebags. They embarrass themselves, their teammates, and their girlfriend/wife. I think they just hate that I threw them out at 1st and their girlfriend is looking at me.

 

[Rain]

My problem seems to be the opposite: Other people are afraid of dating me. :frowning:
Seriously, Jenna, I've always found the best way to conquer these kinds of anxieties is to just FORCE yourself to get out there. I know it's hard sometimes and you feel like just giving up. I feel the same way on occasion.
But you can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket!
Good luck.

 

[Max Leung]

Boy lots of stuff in this thread.
Jenna, I'm glad you're not one of those "princess" dates, the "I'm too good to even call you" kind of girl that every man encounters at least once in their lifetimes. I hope men aren't intimidated by your equipment, however! Hmmm, have you noticed if the technically-minded men are more into HT than the non-techy ones?
Anyhow, in these crazy times, I'd go with Ryan here...make your intentions clear, although going for the kiss might not work depending on the local norms (Montreal maybe, but not in a conservative town like Calgary).
A co-worker is trying a new form of dating...a group of men and women gather in a bar or restaurant together (after paying about $40 each or so), and each person pairs off with another for 6 minutes just to talk. Then they split up and pair with another person. When everyone is done, they mark down which person(s) they would like to talk to again for a later gathering (I presume only those who mutually dig each other would meet). Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Saves time, saves money, and no hard feelings for anyone involved. Perfect in this fast-paced society, when you have to squeeze dating in with a longer work-week, extra-curricular activities like mountain biking or skydiving or the gym, plus the usual modern-societal pressures.
And no, I'm not a shrink. I spend enough energy trying to figure people out, work on my HT and HTPC hobby, catch up on movies, and keep up with my book-reading habit. Ugh, I just blew $200 on books in the last month. I must be crazy!

 

[Max Leung]

Seriously, Jenna, I've always found the best way to conquer these kinds of anxieties is to just FORCE yourself to get out there. I know it's hard sometimes and you feel like just giving up. I feel the same way on occasion.

Yeah, I completely agree. It's tough going out alone when you're in a big city and have no close friends nearby. One of the drawbacks with this incredibly mobile society of ours. Go where the jobs are, but alone. Yuck.
Anyhow, I'm looking forward to attending the local film festival in October. Last year was a blast. Met some interesting women that time (unfortunately all were taken, including the one girl who gave me that "look" discussed earlier, even with the boyfriend fawning over her...wonders never cease! ). I need to network with these people.
Sure, girls you meet may be taken, but if you befriend them, they can forward you to their unattached girlfriends.

 

[Patrick Sun]

That's called "Speed Dating" (I think). It feels like being the "Cliff Notes" answer to dating.
I play on a coed softball team, and most of the ladies are married. But being the pitcher, I do get a lot of married ladies in the bleachers calling my name alot. (It's more distracting than ego-gratifying).

 

[Neil Joseph]

I can only imagine what it is like finding decent men. I certainly would not go to some bar to try to find any. Does the fear come from approaching new people, or by what you end up dating?

 

[Charles J P]

Dude that speed dating sounds brutal. What if your like the ONLY person that has no one write your name down. I would go home and shoot myself.

 

[Max Leung]

Has anybody tried "speed dating"?I guess if anybody shot themselves after not being picked wouldn't be around to answer.
Hmm, it does seem to hinge a hell of a lot on "first impressions". But then, 1st impressions seem to make all the difference anyways, when everyone there are strangers.
Patrick, you're the only person on the team named Patrick, right?

 

[Patrick Sun]

Yup!

 

[Aurel Savin]

I know you all hate the "let's be friends" scenario, but what's wrong with having a GIRL-friend? To me, the ideal relationship would grow out of a true friendship. I mean, have none of you ever looked at the person you're dating/sleeping with/married to and think "I love her...but I don't really like her. Wouldn't being friends FIRST enhance the chances of a better relationship for both parties???

Funny you should mention this ... I am kind of going through this scenario right now with a girl I knew for the past 4 years. When I first met her, I really liked her and wanted to go out with her. She didn't, as she was coming off a hellish relationship and we also worked together .. bottom line I was rejected and I was not happy as I relly liked her. Since we worked together, I still hung out with her and we became good friends over the years. She told me a lot of things about herself that most women would not and I always liked the fact that she seemed honest. I am a very non-judgemental person, as I believe people are people and things happen in your life that you have the burden of carrying with you. Meanwhile, I have met my aforementioned girlfriend for 2 years and I have not really talked to this girl that much during that period.
Now that my girfriend and I are no longer .. she has started calling me again and wanting to hang out. Which I have no problem with except she has become very "warm" recently and seems to be getting way to close. She even seems jelaous when we go out with friends and I try to talk to other ladies. I am not sure what to make of it .. but now I do not want to ruin our "friendship" ... I care about her too much as a friend ... but I don't think I see her as a girlfriend.
Anyway just this sounded way to close to your idea to how a relationship should develop ... what do you think?

 

[Jenna]

Does the fear come from approaching new people, or by what you end up dating?

Actually, Neil, I'm not shy at all about approaching new people and striking up conversations - which is not to say I do this to HIT on them. I just like meeting new people and am pretty friendly. When you move to a new city, you do this out of sheer necessity.
I would say the fear comes from "what I end up dating." The guys that have the nerve to ask women out, aren't necessarily the guys we WANT to ask us out....those are usually the shy guys who are afraid to ask us out that we REALLY want to be with. We figure that the guys who aren't afraid to ask us out just have WAY too much practice hitting on girls. Make sense???
You know what would be refreshing? If someone approached you and simply said, "may I buy you a cup of coffee? ...perhaps we could sit and talk for a few minutes?" [A brief interlude that puts neither party at risk.] So much better than dreading an entire evening of "first date" questions.
How does it go?....
"A first date is like a job interview with cocktails."

 

[Patrick Sun]

Well, that's a nice catch-22 you've set up for yourself, isn't it?

I'm definitely a category 2 kind of guy, but I'm also pretty much invisible to the opposite sex as well.

 

[Jenna]

She even seems jelaous when we go out with friends and I try to talk to other ladies. I am not sure what to make of it .. but now I do not want to ruin our "friendship" ... I care about her too much as a friend ... but I don't think I see her as a girlfriend. What do you think?

Aurel, it definitely sounds as if she's developed feelings for you. If YOU can pick up on her "warm" feelings, it's because she wants you too and is offering just enough to make you see without making a fool of herself. If you cherish her friendship, you must sit her down and talk to her. If she continues to send signals to you over time, she won't be able to "pull herself back" from thinking of you as "boyfriend" material, rather than just a good friend. I suggest you have a quiet take out dinner at home (in case she cries or gets upset), and break it gently that your feelings are friendship and not lust. If you do this quickly, you'll be able to salvage her feelings as well as her pride...and she'll end up in your life longer...(as a rose rather than a thorn).

...and as someone else mentioned earlier, she just may lead you to one of her single friends who will turn out to be your "Miss Right". AND you may do the same for her!