Directors Another Crazy Brian Thingy! (1 Viewer)

[Ric Bagoly]

The Home Life Of An Adventurer

 

[Scott Van Dyke]

The Home Life of an Adventurer

I like action movies.

 

[JenB]

The Home Life of an Adventurer

 

[Brian Kissinger]

The Home Life of an Adventurer comes away with the win. I was hoping for some more votes, but oh well.

The next two up:



[c]Time Kills[/c]



The setting: post-apocalyptic New York, which has survived World War III relatively unscathed.

In the near future, a scientific experiment goes horribly awry: a time machine has been developed, but its maiden voyage doesn't have quite the desired results. Instead of moving backwards in time as its developers intended (they wanted to stop World War III from happening), the machine disrupts the flow of space-time on Earth which merges the past and present. Our planet becomes a crazy-quilt of different times, with denizens of each era crossing over into other time zones. Needless to say, chaos rules the day.

"Popeye" Doyle, the hero cop from The French Connection, is assigned to investigate a series of grisly hooker murders. The modus operandi points to the infamous Jack the Ripper. Could the Victorian villain be prowling the streets of modern-day New York? Yep!

Unfortunately, the aging Doyle must work by himself as the hectic world situation is given higher priority by his superiors. You see, things are just plain crazy: a tyrannosaurus rex just ate the mayor, Adolf Hitler is giving a speech in Times Square, pirates are raping and pillaging on Long Island, and a tribe of very irate Indians have turned up demanding the return of Manhattan. Add to that the fact that Jack the Ripper is a crafty s.o.b. and you've got one frustrated old cop. Then Snake Plissken turns up. He's looking for Jack as well. Turns out that the killer has offed one of Snake's favorite girls. Joining Popeye and Snake in their manhunt is baseball legend Mickey Mantle. He comes to them with trusty bat in hand, ready to help rid the Big Apple of its latest scourge.

Can Popeye, Snake, and Mickey stop Jack the Ripper before he makes his next kill? More importantly, does this movie feature gratuitous hot lesbian action? You'll have to watch it to find out!
__________________________________________________ __________

VERSUS
__________________________________________________ __________

The Heretic

(Pre-title credits)

"In response to the growing presence of Judaism and Islam within the officially Catholic kingdom of Spain under the rule of Ferdinand and Isabella, on November 1 in the year 1478, Pope Sixtus IV established a formal Inquisition to be conducted independently in Spain to eliminate such heresy from Spain. Sixtus bestowed upon Tomás de Torquemada the office of grand inquisitor."

Opening Sequence: (In which we are introduced to the principle executors of the Spanish Inquisition with a demonstration of the ruthlessness of Torquemada and the extent of the powers which were granted to him as grand inquisitor.)

(Fade in to the sound of the thundering hooves of a regiment of horse-mounted troops approaching a small village. The regiment yields on an overlooking hill.

Douglas Neidermeyer (Marc Metcalf), an insufferable prick and the captain of the regiment, addresses his men.)

Neidermeyer: "Recently, a Roman "toga party" was held, from which we have received two dozen reports of individual acts of peversion, SO profound and disgusting, the decorum prohibits listing them here. These are the charges recorded this day, November 15th, 1479. Let's stop this now. Charge!"

The regiment assails the village, rounding up over two dozen men and marching them to the court of Inquisition. Many of the villagers are savagely beaten although they present little resistance.

Cut to Neidermeyer dragging the villagers in front of the court.

Torquemada (Anthony Hopkins), a highly intelligent man with a distinct skill in the art of inquiry, sits in disinterested judgment as Neidermeyer recounts such obtained evidence as copies of the Koran, dreidels, pledge pins on uniforms, etc. Each villager is given the opportunity to confess their heresy, beg forgiveness, and be banished from the kingdom. Those judged guilty who refuse to confess are burned alive. Torquemada addresses a particularly rebellious villager.

Torquemada: "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. I tell you things, you tell me things. Not about this case, though. About yourself. Quid pro quo. Yes or no?"

The villager ultimately confesses, but is burned alive for his heretical resistance.

---------

Early plot development sequence: (In which the protagonist is introduced)

Jack Grimaldi (Gary Oldman) is a local constable who conspires with Neidermeyer to reveal the locations of suspected heretics in exchange for a finder's fee which he stockpiles in a hole in his backyard. He walks a fine line between being in control and being the playful puppet of Neidermeyer and Torquemada.

Grimaldi: "People think that Hell is fire and brimstone and the Devil poking you in the butt with a pitchfork, but it's not. Hell is when you should have walked away, but you didn't."

Neidermeyer: "How do you think it would feel to be independent, Grimaldi?"

Grimaldi: "How does it feel to be an asshole, Neidermeyer?"

Here we see that Grimaldi is testing Neidermeyer for his allegiance to the Inquisition, and find that Neidermeyer has no loyalty to Grimaldi.

---------

Middle plot development sequence: (In which the remaining supporting characters are introduced and the principle plot is initiated)

Doctor Samuel J. Loomis (Donald Pleasance), an expert in dealing with the mentally ill, evaluates a young man who is suspected of heresy. The young man is a longtime patient, Edward "Pee Wee" Morris (Dan Monahan), who is obsessed with sex and masturbates constantly. After a particularly disturbing session, Doctor Loomis recounts his medical opinion of Pee Wee to Torquemada.

Dr. Loomis: "I met him, fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blind, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the DEVIL'S eyes! I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up for I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... EVIL!"

Torquemada: "Do you think he visualizes scenarios, exchanges... fucking?"

They are distracted as a guard approaches Pee Wee's cell...

Dr. Loomis: "Hey! Hey, Lonnie, get your ass away from there!"

A vicious melee erupts in which Neidermeyer is severely wounded in his arm. It has to be amputated above the elbow.

Torquemada, intrigued by the young man's ruthlessness, enlists Pee Wee as an "informant". Pee Wee is supplied with endless promises of "getting laid" in exchange for bearing witness against heretics before the court.

---------

Key plot sequence: (In which Grimaldi refuses to reveal the location of a friend of his and is himself arrested for heresy.)

Under intense interrogation by Torquemada, Grimaldi maintains defiance. Pee Wee offers malicious stories of Grimaldi's deviant sexual proclivities, occasionally groping his own crotch while describing the more lurid items. King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella (Jon Lovitz and Monica Belluci) enter the court to observe the proceedings. Torquemada, aware of Grimaldi's ability to embarrass the court with his knowledge of their previous dealings, halts the proceedings for the day and quickly adjourns to his chambers.

Grimaldi still has loyalties amongst the guards and manages to escape during the night. At the following morning's rising, Neidermeyer finds that Grimaldi has escaped and addresses his guard.

Neidermeyer: "Your fugitive's name is Jack Grimaldi. What I want out of everyone of you is a hard-target search, of every hay station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area!"

A massive manhunt is commenced over a series of days as Grimaldi breaks into homes and hospitals to treat the wounds he receives during his evasions of Neidermeyer. He receives the assistance of Dr. Sam Loomis, who is disgusted by the way that Torquemada has used Pee Wee in the court.

Dr. Loomis: "I- I- I watched him for fifteen years, sitting in a room, staring at a wall, not seeing the wall, looking past the wall - looking at this night, inhumanly patient, waiting for some secret, silent alarm to trigger him off. Death has come to your little town, Sheriff. Now you can either ignore it, or you can help me to stop it."

Grimaldi decides to stop running and to confront Neidermeyer directly.

---------

Climax: (In which Grimaldi is cornered in a high tower and must fight a vengeful Neidermeyer to the death.)

Grimaldi: "Well, just kiss my ass from now on! Not me. I'm not gonna take this! Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Neidermeyer... DEAD!"

They fight viciously, but Neidermeyer having only one arm, loses balance and falls from the tower, impaling himself on a conveniently placed pitchfork in a haystack below.

Cut to a scene in the court where Queen Isabella grants clemency to Grimaldi as she disciplines the court for its grievous misdeeds. The bulk of the blame is cast upon Neidermeyer as Torquemada pleads ignorance to the corruption.

Grimaldi digs the money out of his backyard hole, piles it into saddlebags, and rides his horse off into the setting sun.

The End

Pitch meeting: "It's The Crucible meets The Fugitive set during the Spanish Inquisition. We've got Hopkins, Oldman and Lovitz! There's deviant sex, violence, and moral posturing up the wazoo! I smell Oscar!"

 

[Scott Van Dyke]

I'll be nominating:Time Kills

I actually read the entire second one though.

 

[SteveGon]

I'll abstain on the vote.

 

[Dome Vongvises]

Time Kills
- Rats, my comedy didn't work out.

 

[Brad Porter]

I'd like to vote for The Heretic. It sounds like it was written by a devilishly handsome gentleman who is exceptionally well hung.

On second though, I'll abstain.

Brad

 

[george kaplan]

I can't tell if the Heretic is meant to be a comedy or not. Bring in the rest of the Animal House cast and I'm there. But with most of the current cast it looks like a very funny write-up of a serious drama. Which means I think I'd enjoy Time Kills more.

 

[Chucky P]

Time Kills

Reminds me of Time After Time

 

[SteveGon]

Shhhh!!!

 

[Ric Bagoly]

Time Kills-Get em Snake!!!

 

[Brian Kissinger]

Well, I guess it's no secret (any longer) that The Heretic was Brad's motion picture. I can't believe that it didn't get a single vote. I thought it was hilarious. I guess we have the same warped sense of humor. Which means that my entry probably doesn't stand a chance. At any rate, Time Kills is the winner, and moves onward. And for the record, I liked it also.

[c]Flamingo Films Presents[/c]

Written And Directed By Quentin Tarantino
Pot Wars

Patrick Bateman (American Psycho) makes his way to Chicago, circa 1987. To most, he appears to be a clean-cut young man on a business trip, but the truth is, he's an international assassin hired by the most powerful marijuana dealer in the city, Jesus Quintana (The Big Lebowski). His mission-To gun down The President Of The United States (Ronald Reagan) during a trip to The Windy City in protest of his taxpayer-depriving "War On Drugs". Bateman moves into a nondescript apartment and prepares his equipment, in the process befriending Richie Cunningham (Happy Days), a lonely young pothead who happens to be his neighbor. Before long Richie, who suffers from paranoia and hallucinations, begins to suspect Bateman is not all he seems, especially he sees him aiming a telescopic rifle with laser sighting out his window to impress a visting prostitute (Tracey Flick, Election). Richie becomes caught up in a marathon of death and a race against time to stop Bateman from carrying out Quintana's order to "splatter his fucking brains all over the place!" Unfortunately Richie's drug habit impairs his detective skills enough to make this normally open and shut case drag out to its conclusion, as Bateman takes aim at Reagan during a speech and The Prez wonders where that laser beam is coming from...

Patrick Bateman

Richie Cunningham

Jesus Quintana

and Ronald Reagan

Drug Wars

with Tracey Flick

and Tommy Chong as The Connection

__________________________________________________ __________

VERSUS
__________________________________________________ __________

The Following preview is intended for Mature audiences only

(Screen is black. Super-smooth, velvet-voiced, voice-over guy comes to life.)

This summer, Hardcore Forrest Branch Pictures invites you to experience true love for the first time all over again

(The screen comes alive with a beautiful scene of a Dutch country-side brimming with flowers, shrubs, and pristine, blue waters. Slowly, a couple emerges, holding hands.)

Their love was real, pure, and brilliant.

(The couple can now be seen clearly. It is Rick [Tom Hanks from Bachelor Party fame], and Ariel [The Little Mermaid]. They look deep and longingly into each other’s eyes.)

But her beauty and homemade pastries were admired by many.

(The scene is of Rick and Ariel’s small house where they have a small table with a few pastries upon it for sale. An old lady has just made a purchase. “You should get the word out on your pastries. They are so delicious. The screen cuts to the inside of a billiards hall where the owner, Pepe Le Pew, stands talking with his trusted friend/henchman, Leonard ("Warthog from Hell") Smalls. “I must have her. She is so fine, so beautiful, that red hair, and those perfect, seashell-sized breasts of hers. And I hear she has the tastiest, sweetest pie in town. She will be mine! I will taste her pie!”)


Then one day, tragedy struck their world

(Axel Foley [busted down all the way to crappy, bad-news-giver cop] comes to Ariel’s house. “I’m sorry [he says in that best friend is in a coma voice] to have to tell you this, but Rick got caught under a falling avalanche on his way home today.”
“But there are no mountains around.”
“Yes, very strange, I know.”)

Her world was thrown up-side down, and her heart was broken. And some knew more than they should.


(The scene opens on Sgr. Stedenko (Up In Smoke) sitting in his office on the phone. “I won’t be able to keep quiet anymore. My conscience won’t allow it. What’s that? You won’t give me anymore? But the evidence room is completely cleared out. Well, if you can get it here within the next two hours, my conscience may just get amnesia.” He pulls out a super bong, and releases his guilt.)

And some times marriages of convenience take the place of marriages of the heart.

(Cut to Pepe Le Pew talking with Ariel. “Please, be with me. I have a dream. A dream where people can play pool, and enjoy fresh pastries at the same time. With you, I can make that dream a reality.”
“Just as long as you know, business is all it is. After Rick, I’ll never love again. And I’ll have to bring my oven with me. All the love I had for Rick, I put into that oven. It is the secret behind my pastries.”)

And as the first ever pastry pool hall grew in success, so did her feelings for him.

(Cut to a scene of Pepe and Ariel looking deeply at each other. Pepe has pool cue in hand, and Ariel with a puff of flour on her cheek. They slowly lean in and kiss.)

But then all her earlier wishes are granted.

(Cut to a scene of Rick swaggering down a trail. And from there, cut to a scene of Rick and Ariel together. “I thought you were dead.”
“My love for you, and my own feces, was able to keep me alive for these last three years.”)

Now she must choose between her business and budding love, and the deep love she labored so hard to forget.

(Cut to a scene of Ariel weeping. “What do I do now? The only thing that makes any sense anymore, is making my wonderful pastries.”)

Will she choose her new partner/lover with his deviant French sexual desires and his dark side, or her pure, first love and his new fecal desires? Perhaps the answers lie within :


The Dutch Oven

directed by Steve Guttenberg

 

[SteveGon]

Pepe and Ariel together? I'm there!

The Dutch Oven

 

[Brad Porter]

The Heretic was Brad's motion picture. I can't believe that it didn't get a single vote.

I'm going to go all Vincent Gallo on the voters as soon as I get that hummer from Chloe Sevigny.

I have three reasons for voting for The Dutch Oven
1. “My love for you, and my own feces, was able to keep me alive for these last three years.”
2. "directed by Steve Guttenberg" - I wonder who wrote this one?
3. Pot Wars is another entry which does not use the characters that were provided. You can't make Tracey Flick a prostitute, because her character wasn't a prostitute. Otherwise, what's the point of giving people characters at all?

I did notice that both films have a Tommy Chong connection. File that away for your next Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game.

Brad

PS. A curse on all of your colons!

 

[SteveGon]

PS. A curse on all of your colons!

Hey, I abstained!

 

[Ric Bagoly]

You can't make Tracey Flick a prostitute, because her character wasn't a prostitute. Otherwise, what's the point of giving people characters at all?

I think what it means is you can IMAGINE Tracey Flick and the way she LOOKED, and then reimagine her as a hooker! If that's the case, I vote for

Pot Wars

 

[george kaplan]

HTF rules forbid me explaining why, but

Pot Wars

 

[Scott Van Dyke]

Dutch oven was just a tad bit too bizaar. I'm a Q.T. fan as you will see from my entry. (Still to come)

I must vote Pot Wars

Two of the most entertaining entries thus far.

 

[JenB]

The Dutch Oven