I'm a new Dad; questions for those far more experinced than I

This is not a knock and everyone is different but we have friends that have tried to do what you are proposing with their kids.  And we have a friend who's parents tried to do it with them.

When they are old enough to get out of your sight, ie over friends houses, out with friends etc, they will crave the things they are denied.   The kids and our friend became such junk food fiends that they essentially have eating disorders.

The same goes with the alcohol.  In college there were kids that never drank, and who's parents kept them away from it.  When they got to school they became some of the biggest drinkers on campus.

With my kids we are teaching moderation.  You can eat whatever you like but only have a little.  They think a satisfying dessert is a miniature candy bar.  It's around the house and since it's there, they rarely ask for it and it's not a big deal when they have dessert.

Also in Europe where they give children and teens tastes of wine and beer with meals, they do not have nearly the problem of binge drinking, drunk driving and alcoholism as in the US.

We're not doing that but it's something to think about.  When the drinking age got raised to 21 the incidents of binge drinking and drunk driving increased.

My kids are 10 and 5, are well adjusted and are active and healthy and not even close to overweight.

McDonalds - fine, not every week or even every month, once and a while, ok.

Just another perspective....

Drugs I'll draw the line on though. Never going to tell them that those are ok in moderation.

I'm not a parent, but I have to agree with Mark: it's unrealistic to belive your child will never eat junk food or, later, drink alcohol. Providing an example of how one can indulge in those pleasures responsibly is probably more effective than providing no frame of reference at all. My father drank socially, maybe half a dozen times a month, so I grew up thinking that that was the norm for adult alcohol consumption. Same with McDonalds, which I experienced as an occasional treat growing up rather than a dietary staple. Once she turns five and enters school, she'll be exposed to most of the things you're trying to protect her from anyway, so you might as well introduce them on your terms and with your values.

Like the others said, moderation is key. My little boy doesn't eat a whole lot of junk food but he does get to enjoy a treat every once in a while.

Congrats BTW. You're in for quite a ride! My little boy is two and right now we're trying to potty train him. Talk about difficult. He's stubborn like his mother.

Oh yeah congrats too! It is quite the ride.  They don't come with manuals and they're all different.  My sister in-law is in town with her 8 month old.  Although I am a little nostalgic, I don't really miss the screaming/crying and getting up at all hours - lol  Been there, done that.

Congratulations, Scott!  The world needs more generous people like you. 

If you're doing stuff behind your kid's back, they will eventually find out and think you're a hypocrite.  I drink the occasional beer in front of my kids and I have made it very clear that it is not for kids, it's a grown-ups only thing.  I let them have occasional junk food but I control the access and the amounts.  We live in a world where there are things that aren't good for kids, but it's better to prepare them to live in the real world than to pretend it doesn't exist, in my opinion.

 

The biggest thing is to just relax and do what comes naturally.  Parenting is a natural skill, people have been doing it for thousands of years.

 While I am not a parent yet...I have worked with and taught a lot of kids, especially high school aged kids and I would have to agree with others that things like alcohol, junk food, etc...should not be hidden from them completely.   Kids learn A LOT by example.   They absorb everything around them as they are growing up and eventually trying to find their own identity.  At the end of the day, it is the example you all set that will most likely be followed.  So it is not that you should not ever eat junk food around them.  That is unrealistic.   It is more about how you eat the junk food.   Do you gorge on it all day long...or eat a treat every now and then.   It is not about never letting them see you drink.   It is...are you drinking responsibly.   Perhaps them never seeing you drink to excess or get drunk.  (Really as parents...should one be getting drunk anyway?).   It is how you react to things.  How you live your life with the junk food, the alcohol...the exercise, etc...

If they see how one can be responsible with such things, and you combine that with the usual discussions about it when they are old enough to comprehend why they need to be responsible with their decision making...this will go a long way to raising productive and responsible young adults.   

Kids need good examples around them.   Great amounts of love and support.   And good role models of "proper" behavior to follow.  The fact that you are are concerned about it to ask...I have a feeling you all with be great parents regardless.  

Don't make a big deal about it and your kids won't either.  My kids rarely eat candy.  It's not that we deny them it, it's just not a big deal for them.  Every Halloween we wind up throwing away most of what they brought home last Halloween because they never ate it.  If they wanted some they know they can ask and, depending, they'd be allowed to select something, but they rarely do.  They've never had soda either.  I've let them taste mine but they didn't like it and that was the end of that.  If my older boy asked if he could have some for dinner I'd let him, but if he started asking every night we'd limit it to certain days.

Take it easy.  If you and your wife partake in a lot of junk food, drinking, etc. you might want to limit yourselves so you don't become a bad influence.  But to expect your kid to have no interest in ice cream is expecting too much.

You do what is best for your kids - and have fun being a dad!    I have 3 kids under the age of 6, and I never know when something is going to happen to one of them (you can't plan for an accident) - so I gave up drinking in case I need to drive somewhere.  Some people go over board with this - we went to a graduation party for my friends kid this weekend, and my friends were drinking - we didn't make a big deal about it and it didn't seem to bother my kids at all.  I was never big on drinking in the first place - but remember going over to my best friends house for sleep overs, and his dad was an alcoholic.  This ended up breaking up his whole family.  When my friend got married, he didn't want to be like his dad so he stopped drinking when his kids were born - and never missed it.  They really do absorb the examples you are providing.  My wife tells me they are like mini-me's...coming up with sayings and behaviors that remind her of me all the time...most of the time these are good things, but some times she just ends up rolling her eyes...

    Also, your little girl will see how a man should treat a woman in a loving relationship by how you are treating your wife, so make sure you provide a good example - your wife won't mind and hopefully your little girl will pick a guy like her dad when the day comes.

Edited by Martino - 6/8/10 at 2:18pm

I agree with moderation.  On the other hand, we never had beer in the house or alcohol.  I'm sure I could have been tempted.  I asked my father one time about it when I was about 13, and he looked at me and said "because it tastes like horsepiss.  Want a coke?"

 

So, we had a coke.  Yes, we drank pop.  In moderation.  But his lecture didn't hit me until my sophomore year in college when someone handed me a can of beer (Natural Light) I took one swig and said "holy s---, my dad is right" and we have never had alcohol in our house.
 

Not that I'm opposed to Alcohol, I do like a good glass of wine or a mixed drink, but totally turned me off of heavy drinking.

 

Then again, part of their upbringing has meant I also tend to hate coffee, and can't stand to be near it.. blah!  Damn those subliminal lessons!

If you don't want a little kid to drink, let them have a beer. That should cure them of any desire to have alcohol until at least high school.

 

Can someone that young tell the difference between Dad drinking a can of beer vs seeing him drink a can of juice? They probably wouldn't care if you didn't make a big deal of it.

 

But then don't kids need to learn the concept that some things are just for adults? Do you think they'll want to drive a car at age 3 just because they see you do it.

 

I agree that when you tell kids certain things are bad or forbidden, they will just want them more than if you hadn't pretended that Coke the drink was as bad as cocaine.

 

It would make more sense to give them healthy food and try to get them hooked on it so they won't want the junk as much. That's what my nephew did with his kids, and he actually had them wanting to eat certain veggies they had tried.