So after loudly proclaiming that this was a “girl’s year”, the season started off to a very rocky start, as nerves, inexperience, and bad sound mixing torpedoed the chances of more than half the girls. Lucky for them, there will only be two cuts tonght, because half the girls were just drowning out there.
And when I say drowning, I mean sounding like a bag full of cats thrown into the river drowning. While there was no Antonella Barba or Stevie Wright level of ear rape, a couple of contestants crashed and burned really hard while only a handful produced vaguely tuneful renditions. The rest were still nowhere near the level the audience expects at this stage of the competition.
And by some of the judges’ feedback, it probably sounded different in the theater than on TV because some dumb bastard at the sound mixing board apparently stepped out for a cigarette break right before the show started and never came back, because you could barely hear the band backing the singers. The lesser voices were really exposed while breathing noises were amplified for viewers at home. It didn’t help that the background singers, for the second year in a row, just weren’t in the same part of the note that the singers were in, and that caused a lot of dissonance as well.
Before I jump right into the reviews, I have to say that I haven’t missed Paula at all during the audition process, and I didn’t miss her at all tonight. Not that Ellen is all that great of a judge – she’s like the complete opposite of Randy – white, skinny, female, and gay, except that she’s exactly like Randy when she just repeats what others say and adds nothing to the conversation. However, Paula’s constant incoherent ramblings and frequent interruptions of Simon kept bringing the show to a screeching halt, and her absence is an absolute plus in my book. For the slight bits of entertainment she brought, she was a real negative influence on the show and I’m glad she’s not there anymore. In a frightening turn of events, Kara actually said things I agreed with on more than one occasion, and I would almost say she turned a corner if it weren’t for some truly stupid things she said to counter-balance them.
Paige – In a harbinger of things to come, Paige kicked off the night by being slightly sharp or flat throughout most of her performance, and her inability to get into the fat part of the note made her voice sound weak. I really hate to ding her for her song choice, as it’s a known fact that there are a limited number of songs to select from, but All Right Now was just all wrong. It’s one of those songs that’s mostly shouted, and Paige needed to retool the arrangement to make it more soulful and melodic. Plus, the key was too low to match the fat part of her register. It just sounded like bad karaoke, and even though the judges gave her a slightly positive critique, it was really not very good or memorable. Paige also missed the big note moments by oversinging those notes and going off key.
Paige is hobbled by her almost total invisibility in the audition process, and a big part of her screen time showed her looking dowdy and crazy eyed. There was a moment in the song where she started clapping above her head, but instead of clapping noises, the mic hitting her hands produced nothing but thudding, which is an apt metaphor for her performance. When she hit her last note, it appeared she was getting a root canal. Ryan revealed that Paige was sewn into her dress and hadn’t peed for 5 hours. Well, almost 5 hours.
Ashley – If you’re going to pick a Leona Lewis song, don’t pick a crushing bore like the ironically titled Happy. Just a boring and botched attempt at a melisma filled R&B number, Ashley didn’t exhibit the chops needed to make this anything other than unmemorable. The snippet from dress rehearsal shown in the recaps at the end of the show sounded much better, and I can only assume nerves were the reason this performance went off track like it did. The judges really did a number on her, which wasn’t all that fair since it wasn’t any worse than Paige’s performance, and that got middling positive responses. I get the feeling Ashley didn’t like her critques.
Janelle – Janelle appears to have been bred for a show like this, with her pretty girl next door looks, blonde flowing locks, great smile, stage presence, and charisma to spare. And although some of her audition highlights made it sound like she was a sure-fire contender, Janelle was unable to get through What About Love without warbling off-key throughout. It didn’t help that this Heart song was just way too big for her voice, and she was so nervous that her mic was trembling like a teacup chihuahua puppy. Unless she pulls out a miracle next week, she’s clearly in the bottom half of the singers right now and won’t make the top 12. While Paige was sewn into her dress, it looked like Janelle had her pants painted on, as her jeans were so tight they looked like something out of a comic book.
Lilly – Lilly’s Hollywood Week rendition of Lullaby of Birdland was my favorite performance in all of the auditions, so I was fairly amped to watch her perform Fixing a Hole. Unfortunately, I was a bit let down by unexpected pitch problems and she just didn’t have the same sweet tone she showed earlier. Some of her phrasing and pronunciations were weird and off-putting, and she cut in and out at times when she dipped her below the mic. At times it seemed like she was having difficulty remembering the lyrics. Lilly isn’t the prettiest girl in the competition, but her hair and makeup aren’t doing her any favors. Reminds me of the Albino from the Princess Bride.
Katelyn – My wife didn’t like the dress, but after seeing her in the same hippy dress show after show, I dug the leather cocktail dress and it fit her to a T. So it was a shame about the Madonna hair and make-up circa 1984 as well as the patterned stockings. I dunno – stockings like that scream “hooker” to me. Oh Darling was the first performance of the night where the singer didn’t go off key and maintained a nice tone. Unfortunately, it was fairly straightforward and a bit repetitive, and the whole thing came off as karaoke. BTW, Kara shouldn’t be critiquing anyone’s fashion choice, seeing how she was wearing something from the Flashdance collection. BTW, is Katelyn related to Matt “The Moleman” Giraud?
Haeley – I’m sorry, but for a multitude of reasons – inability to sing, inability to play guitar, the lisping, the horrible outfits (she looked like a hooker nurse on prom night), the nose piercing, and the fact that she looks like Gollum in a wig and dress, Haeley is my least favorite contestant, and while I Wanna Hold Your Hand wasn’t as disaster ridden as I was hoping for, it wasn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, any good. I was afraid that the judges were going to praise her for this screechy, strangled, sloppy mess, and the trio of Randy, Kara, and Ellen did try to sugarcoat their critiques. Thankfully Simon got right down to it and called the performance “verging on terrible” and “a complete mess”. Ellen chimed in to dub it a “hot mess”, which means either Ellen changed her mind and hated it or Ellen doesn’t know what a “hot mess” is – and it isn’t a compliment.
Lacey – This was about as close to Stevie Wright as it got tonight – a nervous, off-key, terrible rendition of Landslide. The thing went off the tracks rather early on when Lacey sang “lanside” instead of “landslide”, and I think she just discombobulated after that (her dress rehearsal footage in the recap showed a much more composed performance). As if to make matters worse, Lacey chose to sit down for this song, which was a mistake because she nervously ass-danced in her seat, thrusting her hips back and forth as if she were humping some invisible boyfriend while singing. Her hair looked like a cross between Gohan from Dragonball Z and Heat Miser. Oh, and the outfit kinda sucked too. The dress itself was fine, but if you’re going to wear something that goes off the shoulder, use some double-sided tape if you’re worried about modesty. Don’t pussy out and wear a green wifebeater under it. Reminds me of this terrible Alaina Whitaker number from season 5. Yeesh. BTW, Alaina didn’t make past week one either, Just sayin’.
Michelle – If you’re having a hard time remembering Michelle or her performance, or anything about her, I don’t blame you. She got zero air time and then performed a perfunctory version of Falling that was verging on snoozy. I will give her this – Michelle was only the second singer to get through the song without going off-key all over the place, but this was total karaoke. I think this is the wrong time to go with such a low energy song. Maybe it’s just me, but any outfit with a bustle gets a thumbs down. It’s just a stupid look.
Didi – This was my absolute favorite performance of the night by a mile. By 100 miles. The pitch was dead on and I loved the tone of Didi’s voice. She took a song that I only vaguely know and made me want to download The Way I Am because she did such a great job with it. She was superb. So when each judge took turns slagging the performance, I was a bit dumbstruck. I’m not sure what they were listening to, but what she performed was something that could be on the radio tomorrow. I wasn’t that huge of a fan of Didi’s going in, what with all the crying and sucking up to Kara in Hollywood Week, but right now, Didi is top four material.
The one thing about Didi that’s so weird is that her face changes with each expression, where she will look like Taylor Swift or Marg Helgenberger or Kathy Lee Gifford or Brooke White or Becki Newton or a half dozen other people depending on her mood, and sometimes I don’t even realize it’s her when I see her.
Didi’s jacket looked like a braided rug with buttons on it, or perhaps an oversized Rastafari hat with buttons on it. It was hideous either way. And I wish she would quit wearing leggings under her dress. It’s a terrible look.
Siobhan – For those readers who don’t actually watch the show, Siobhan is pronounced “shavonne”, as it’s the original Gaelic spelling of the name. Siobhan’s slow speaking voice at times makes her sound like she’s either recovering from a stroke or is a bit… special (the part where she wanted to know what a “dark horse” sounded extra special). Siobhan is quite the iconoclast, what with being an apprentice glassblower and the prominent nose ring. I’m not the biggest fan of tattoos, but I gotta give her props on the Edward Gorey tattoo that takes up much of her right shoulder – it’s actually the cover of The Gashleycrumb Tinies, and I think it’s cool as hell. I mean, it’s way cooler than something like this (warning, it’s a bit nauseating, and no, it’s not the monkey’s asshole in the bellybutton one). The reason so many people remember her from the auditions are her crazy ass singing faces, like the Predator face and the transforming into a werewolf face. And so I was a mite disappointed when Siobhan didn’t make any facial contortions worth noting while singing Wicked Game. And while it was pretty good, it wasn’t all that memorable or anything to write home about. She didn’t even bust out any big notes, and I scratched my head when she basically said she didn’t do it as some sort of strategy. Well f*ck me, but this is the time to grab the audience by the balls, not display subtlety. Singing a lilting ballad like this was kind of a mistake. Should she have sung a big rangy song? Does Siobhan shit in the woods?
Crystal – It’s rather disappointing to me that I can no longer make fun of Crystal’s yellow, pasty teeth nor her unwashed presentation. I was going to turn Crystal Chops into a cottage industry, and then she pulls the rug out from under me and gets her teeth cleaned and puts on fairly clean clothes. Eh… maybe I can do something with her dreads or her stoned demeanor. In any case, Crystal is a very seasoned performer and had little trouble staying on key, but you could hear little hitches in her performance where nerves were clearly affecting her (when the audience started clapping, she dropped a word and sounded like she was having trouble with the lyrics in the chorus). But Simon is sort of right – if you take this performance out of the context that 10 other singers who shared the stage ranged from mediocre to godawful, it’s good, not great. And the harmonica has already gotten old – it’s an unnecessary hippie affectation, and frankly, it’s rather unimpressive harmonica playing. Like, she’s no John Popper, you know what I mean? One amusing thing about Crystal is that she is such an American Idol outsider that she thinks Simon’s critique is a dialog of some sort. Crystal, you’re supposed to smile and nod while Simon’s talking, not interject about how David Bowie would be a cool song choice.
Katie – Feelin’ Good? Really? I’ve lost count of how many top 24 contestants were taken out by Feelin’ Good. It’s like a suicide song. I know Adam did it last season, but it was well into the season and not during the prelims. This was yet another singer who exhibited a good voice that just couldn’t get into the groove and delivered a messy version that I found annoying to watch, what with all the mugging and winking and weirdly tentative vamping and shimmying. Yes, she’s only seventeen, but Allison Iraheta blows this girl out of the water on every level. Not really sold on this one.
