There anywhere from a little to a whole lot of hypocrisy on American Idol, from the slamming of song “choices” that aren’t as expansive as the judges would like you to think, to the constant chirping about “artistry” and “being who you are” on a show that muzzles its contestants lest they stray from the company line. Yet three recent featured singers – Orianthi, Ke$ha, and Miley Cyrus – exposed the hypocrisy at the very heart of American Idol – you don’t have to be able to sing to be a recording artist. Shit, you don’t even have to be an artist.
It’s kind of a slap in the face for the judges to sift through the minutiae of each contestant’s vocals to determine who deserves to be their promoted singer when they turn around and invite performers who can barely eke out a tune to come on the show. You could make the case that Orianthi is really a guitar player who only sings because instrumental rock isn’t a mass market genre and that Ke$ha, for all her faults, is a at least a songwriter (even if the songs are terrible). But it’s a real bitchslap to the face for Idol to trot out Miley Cyrus, someone who a) got her big break because her dad is in the biz b) got an even bigger break by being promoted by the Disney juggernaut c) can’t sing d) at 17 is younger than all but two contestants and e) gets “co-writing credit” on some songs, but doesn’t actually write the hits that she’s known for. It’s a red flag when a bubblegum artist like Miley claims co-writing credit, but only on the filler songs in her albums – this is usually done to give the singer some artistic credibility, but their actual contributions range from “I suggested the title” to “I paid to get my name on the credits”.
Imagine you are Crystal Bowersox, a contestant who can blow away Miley Cyrus in a singing competition, writes her own songs, and has more talent and understanding of how to sing in one of her dreads than Miley will ever have. Imagine that you have to fake smile and take “tips” from Miley, who is “mentoring” you. It’s like Julia Stiles getting acting lessons from… Miley Cyrus. Imagine if you’re any of the contestants and have to listen to a girl who sounds like she has an eternal stuffy nose with a braying vocal timbre whose singing voice, when unprocessed, sounds a little Marlee Matlin-ish and has all the performance skills of an ever-smiling Pageant-bot. And she’s going to give you suggestions on how to sing better. Uh, okay. Thanks for the insult, producers! I mean, the talent level this year is precipitously low, but bringing Miley freakin’ Cyrus on as a mentor is still nothing short of retardation and a clear sign that the Idol ship is completely rudderless.
Lee – My new nickname for Lee is “Anonymous”, as in “Anonymous-Lee”. Lee picked The Letter and used the Joe Cocker arrangement, and that would have been fine if it weren’t for the weird jazzy phrasing he used – it sounded like Harry Connick Jr. singing Joe Cocker’s version. Lee’s stage presence without the guitar consists of a shaky leg, aimless wandering around the stage, and two poses – a Napoleonic one where it looks like his arm is in a sling, and palsied hand shaking that looks like his arm fell asleep and he was try to shake off the pins and needles. This prompted Kara to say, “you’re finally owning the stage”, because Kara is an inept moron. Another boring and non-descript performance from Anonymous-Lee.
Paige – Ryan accused Paige of stealing an audience member’s ring, and all I ask is, why does he have to accuse the only black girl in the competition of stealing? Paige selected the oft sung Against All Odds and just murdered it. Or, as Ryan might put it, “Paige did a drive by on Phil Collins, yo”. It was one of those performances where not a single note was on key, and when she sang those “ooh ooh’s”, I thought the dissonant frequencies would shatter my living room mirror into millions of pieces. Paige’s critiques were justifiably harsh, but when Simon called it one of “the worst performances of the season”, Paige almost cried for a split second. Almost. If for some reason she sticks around, she may want to get laryngitis again, since that was the only time she sounded decent the entire competition. There is a standard Idol defense mechanism when faced with withering rebuke, which is to say, “I had fun”. In Paige’s case, it was, “I had fun doing it”. That makes one person in the entire country who had fun when Paige was singing. The response is so common that I suspect the producers drill it into the contestants to respond with “fun” when they’re asked why they picked such a godawful song because the truth about song choice is not something the show wants exposed. Seriously, only one song tonight was from this century, and there were so many repeat songs that I can only assume the list of choices numbered not in “the thousands” as Simon so casually stated, but in, at most, the dozens. You just can’t clear thousands of songs each week.
Tim – Tim got killed by the judges last week, and if Mick Jagger and Bob Marley got their hands on Tim, who know what would happen (especially since that’s the Zombie Bob Marley). If Paige does stay this week, she might thank Tim for taking her boot spot. Because while Crazy Little Thing Called Love wasn’t nearly as off-key as Against All Odds (it was, in fact, pretty much on-key), it was so bland, so lightweight, so… sub-karaoke, that Tim really showed that he doesn’t belong in the competition at all, and that’s a pretty big indictment considering this is not a very talented crop to begin with. Tim was channeling Jon Peter Lewis so ferociously that I suspect he watched Lewis’ season 3 performances in a loop to capture the very essence of cheesy suckiness – the audience glad handing, the mannered expressions, and the stilted movements. But Tim put his own spin on the performance by acting out the lyrics and sliding across stage, an act so incredibly WTF that it will go down in Idol lore with Sanjaya’s ponyhawk. That slide will be in on The Soup, guaranteed. Simon suggested that Tim take singing lessons, which was a kick in the balls for Tim judging by his reaction. Tim said, “I just wanted to have some fun”. If by “fun” he meant playing baseball, then yes, he had fun. Ty Cobb would be proud. Spikes up!
People magazine published Idol baby pictures this week, and I was able to get some outtakes along with the published pictures. Here’s Timmy as a baby as published, and here’s the outtake they didn’t want you to see. Tim’s father was in the audience tonight, and the upright bible thumper bears a close resemblance to another upright bible thumper. I guess that would make Timmy and his brother Rod and Todd.
Aaron – Aaron seemed nervous to meet Miley due to his tiny little crush, but that was a super awkward hug he shared. He was so determined not to rub pee-pees and vijayjays that you could have driven a dump truck through the space between their bodies. I assumed that I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing was going to be a total disaster since it’s always been a total disaster on this show, but it was competently sung, and although I found it completely boring, it wasn’t a complete trainwreck. Woe is Idol this season that “not horrible” is the median performance. During Kara’s slobbery and inexplicable tongue bath, the band started playing or tuning or something, which made me think of the orchestra playing during a long-winded Oscar speech. Playing during Kara’s critique, then, is quite apropos. Simon’s unspoken judgment was less kind. I guess Aaron learned his lesson after flashing the wrong number of fingers during the voting number segment two weeks straight by declining to flash his fingers this week at all.
Crystal – My wife absolutely loved Crystal’s version of Me and Bobby McGee, but I was so jarred by the arrangement that I couldn’t warm up to it. The song started with such low strumming that her vocals sounded out of sync with the music. Then she ditched most of the lyrics to do the la las at the end – the song was predominantly the end of the Joplin version, and I didn’t really get any sense of the song from her performance. The copycat ending made the performance very coffeehouse. Crystal was dressed like she just got back from Lilith Fair, and I half-suspect the earth mother dress was made out of hemp. I suppose the beads in her hair gussied up her matted dreads, but you know what would really gussy up her hair? Shampoo. When Ryan sat down on Crystal’s carpet, it made me think she should have sung Magic Carpet Ride or perhaps A Whole New World. Ahh, Agrabah. Where people with matted hair make hemp dresses. Sure, I might have made that up. Crystal seemed pretty danged sure she was coming back next week, going so far as to talk about her plans for next week without any equivocation. So while she may not necessarily think she has the competition in the bag, she seems pretty sure there’s at least one singer she’s going to outlast.
Mike – I will give you that Mike is cheesy, that Mike is corny, and that Mike is an attention whore who mugs incessantly. But Mike can sing. He doesn’t sing well enough for me to care for it, but he’s on key, he can go up and down the scale with dexterity, and his falsetto has improved to the point where it adds rather than detracts from his performance. When a Man Loves a Woman was the best vocal performance of the night, and while his voice lacks real character, like a rasp, or a velvety tone, it’s still better than most of the other contestants, and he and Siobhan probably have the biggest range in the competition. Which is why it was puzzling to hear the judges rip apart the performance en masse. I agree with Mike’s sister or cousin or what not – oh no, you judges be trippin’. Yeah, I know. Sorry. What I can’t fathom is why the judges chose to lick Aaron Kelly’s asshole clean and then go Guiliani Time on Mike’s when Mike was something like 1,000 times better than Aaron. These judges are trippin’, no doubt.
Andrew – Another performance that may save Paige for another week, I Heard It Through the Grapevine was a mess, with weird phrasings and pitch problems galore. Andrew is a song re-arranger and not a true singer, and every time they convince him to ditch the guitar, it’s just another week his stock goes down. Without the guitar, Andrew started acting out the lyrics and playing charades, which is unnecessary because WE CAN HEAR THE LYRICS. Here’s a phrase, three words – can you guess what it is? Here’s the answer. And at one point, Andrew did a little moonwalk away from the backup singers, and I’m kind of pissed that they cut away before he even started. It’s not Tim Urban’s Slide, but that would have been great to make fun of. Miley paid close attention to Andrew’s performance. BTW, the man whispering into her ear is Adam Shankman. If you liked the Oscars this year, Adam directed the show. You may also recognize him as a judge on So You Think You Can Dance. In his critique, Simon said, “you sucked… the soul out of that song.” Andrew said, “I had a lot of fun”. Have fun packing your bags!
Katie – Is this an actual song? I’ve truly never heard of it, and I’m lucky in that regard. Big Girls Don’t Cry is the only song tonight from this century, if you can believe it. Katie started out okay, kind of a nice tone even though she was doing that gargly, back of the throat Yoda singing, but by the time she hit the bridge, it broke through the guardrails and plunged off into the icy river below. Not that it was Paige-like bad, but it constantly veered off-key, and Katie scooped all around the last big note without ever finding it. Katie’s outfit reminded me of comically named season 7 contestant Alexandrea Lushington’s outfit, only with a jacket. BTW, I know it looks like “Alexandra”, but her name is pronounced, “a-lex-an-DRE-uh”. And then there’s Lushington. That name always makes me laugh. Katie got so-so reviews and kudos for her song choice but still felt compelled to say, “I had a lot of fun”. Here’s Katie’s baby picture and the outtake. Her mom should have been more careful – if Katie dropped that wooden spoon, it could have caught fire on the stovetop.
Casey – I hated the arrangement of Power of Love, mostly because he skipped the bridge (probably out of this range) and repeated the chorus, like, 20-25 times. The performance got really low energy half-way through, and Casey reacted with the same kind of surprise that I did when the first three judges slobbered over it. It was pretty boring, and I got nothing else. No baby pictures, no nothing.
Didi – Here’s one thing about Didi that annoys me a little – she talks like a baby, with a high pitch and warbly timbre. Which is exactly how she sings, but it doesn’t bother me at all. I still don’t know why the judges call her pitchy – she doesn’t sound off-key to me at all. Which is not to say I liked You’re No Good at all. The plodding arrangement and repetitive lyrics were enough to sour me on the performance, but the over the top faces she made turned me off even more. I think the positive reactions to her stank faces last week encouraged her to go down the same path this week – however, if Didi is looking for anything like consistency from the judges, she’s barking up the wrong tree. Simon said, “it sucked… the life out of you a little bit”. Didi no likey what the judges were saying. Predictably, Didi said, “I had a good time”.
Siobhan – That was a weird performance, and since we’re talking about Siobhan, that’s saying something. I assume she picked Superstition as a bookend to Living in the City and its big glory note that put her on the map in Hollywood Week. I’m sure the Siobhan-tards were slavering over the prospect of another Stevie Wonder song, another big glory note, and another facet of weirdness to cherish. And being the tards that they are, they lapped it all up. But for me, I saw the same problems that plagues the rest of her performances – the slow singing that sits on the back of the beat and makes it sound like she’s falling behind the band, the musical theater/glee club tone and phrasings, and the pitch problems (although this was the closest she got to staying in key so far). The glory note? Fail. The scatting? Fail plus. Also detracting from the performance – the perma-smile, the weird, spazzy shuffling, and the bleached streak that swept across her temple that reminded me of Reed Richards or Paulie Walnuts. Kara said, “how can you say that’s not amazing?” Like this: THAT WAS NOT AMAZING. Ellen said, “to quote Oliver, ‘more please’”. Actually, Ellen was paraphrasing Oliver – the actual quote is, “Please sir, I want some more.” Ellen looks like Odo from Deep Space Nine.
Edited by Hanson - 3/24/10 at 9:54am
