Well, last Thursday was a rather surprising night of cuts. Perhaps Lilly, she of the multifarious musical talents (she plays six instruments, seven if you include Mavig’s Harp) was more potential than execution (now I’ll never get to do my Lilly/Edgar Winter separated at birth). And Katelyn just never really figured out how the competition worked. I really thought one or both would make the finals, but in retrospect, there were too many singer-songwriter females for the audience to support.
Then there was Alex, whom Ellen kept likening to a banana, which was supposed to be a good thing (I had assumed that Ellen wasn’t a fan of bananas – dried apricots, yes, but bananas, no). Simon, however, was unimpressed by Alex’s lack of energy or enthusiasm on stage. Perhaps the perfect melding of energy, enthusiasm, and bananas would have looked something like this. Oh well, we’ll never know. This was the most surprising and inexplicable cut of them all. I guess there were too many guys with guitars in a row to make a dent in the voting.
Someone pointed out that Ellen looks like Ann B. Davis, who played Alice the maid in The Brady Bunch series. However, this is not the first time an AI contestant was compared to someone from the Brady Bunch. As a matter of fact, here’s enough to make up an entire Idol Bunch.
Tonight is Rolling Stones night. It’s hard to believe such a hallowed band has opened its catalog to such sucky singers, although Beatles night last season probably paved the way for many legendary acts to let the Idol contestants vandalize their masterworks. At the rate they’re going, we may see a U2 night in the near future.
Mike – Mike said that he was “kind of the ham of them family”. Kind if? He’s the biggest ham in the top 12, that’s for sure. Mike is unable to stop mugging in front of the cameras and picking up his castmates. He threw Crystal on his back during the top 12 party, and it’s a good thing they were on land or he might have dragged her underwater and flung her around like a ragdoll. But I will give it up for Mike on two counts: 1) Mike uses backup singers more effectively than anyone has in two seasons, and 2) his soul flavored re-arrangement of Miss You was actually pretty badass. I’m still not impressed by Mike’s vocals, however – I expect a more resonant sound coming from a fella so big. Even so, Mike is the best big man singer on Idol since Reuben Studdard. Except Mike can actually move around stage and make it through a song without looking like he walked through sprinklers. Speaking of big, Mike’s arms have stretch marks all over them – this is indicative of some really quick weight gain, probably muscle gain from his high school football days. Really fast muscle gain, if you catch what I’m saying.
Didi – When I hear Didi’s voice, which I do like in the proper context, I don’t immediately think of Playing With Fire as the best Stones song for her. The lyrics are threatening and menacing – the best Didi could do were ridiculous looking faces that, I suppose, were meant to communicate toughness but came off as rather fake looking. Her voice doesn’t carry any of the malice with which the song was intended, and I just found the whole performance weird because of the disconnect. Ellen said that Didi “made the word fire two syllables”. Ellen, I believe it was the English friggin’ language that made fire two syllables. When asked about the darker performance, Didi said that former roommate Siobhan is “rubbing off on me” and, “I love her”. I wonder if that started tripping Ellen’s gaydar. If there is indeed any rubbing between the two girls, I hope there is no cup involved. A cup full of… chocolate soft serve. Yeah, that’s it, there ice cream in there. WINK.
Casey – There’s a sign in Cool, Texas that wished Casey good luck. But due to the haphazard arrangement of letters, looks more like “GOO DLUCK!” Well, it could have been worse, I suppose. From the slide Casey was wearing on his pinkie, I had expected some slide guitar jamming during It’s All Over Now. And yet, all he did was slide around the last chord. That was disappointing. Also disappointing were the bland vocals that were so non-descript that it made Lee DeWyse sound like Joe Cocker. I was bored halfway through the performance, and I don’t think Casey is going to last too long if he’s going to be this mediocre for the rest of the competition. Casey wore a black C&W shirt for tonight’s performance, which is a minor departure from his usual blue shirts. He normally wears a blue button down shirt (auditions, performance nights, AI events), and there must be a reason he has so many of them. Maybe it’s occupation related?
Lacey – Hat buddies! Ruby Tuesday started off a bit pitchy, but the first chorus was just full blown off key. Lacey likes to take a seat when she sings – this marks 2 ½ times that Lacey has sung in the seated position, and while it was used for good effect last week, this was not really a sit down arrangement and made her low energy performance even more listless. I’m not sure why she chose a big arrangement for such a warbly voice – perhaps a softer and more intimate arrangement would have matched better. As it was, it just sounded like the song was too big for her vocal chops, and the last note was honked. Lacey ruined what could have been a sexy outfit by wearing a French sailor shirt under her bustier. Ruched skirt? Good. Bustier? Nice. Big belt? I like. Hooker heels? Well, I guess she’s short. French sailor’s shirt? WHY? Maybe she didn’t want to appear too slutty, but if you’re going to channel Nikki McKibben, go big or go home. Speaking of big, I hope Lacey doesn’t meet the same fate as Nikki. That look is so Divine. And by “Divine”, I mean the morbidly obese ex-transvestite. And by “ex-transvestite”, I mean he’s dead.
Andrew – This genie is in a bottle, and no one is rubbing it the right way. Trapped by expectations and that damn Straight Up version, Andrew can’t seem to do anything right these days, and tonight was no different from last week except maybe it’s a little worse. There were so many bum notes in Gimmie Shelter that I found it hard to listen to. Whenever he sang, “whoa, children”, it made me wince. I got nothing from the song or the performance, and it looks like Andrew’s sole talent is rearranging hit songs into somewhat clever acoustic versions. As a flat out singer, he’s not even… dare I say it? He’s no Danny Gokey. His father thought he would be a custodian when he grew up, and the way his Idol trajectory is going, that’s looking like a solid backup plan. Andrew has gone from season 9 frontrunner to committing hara kiri on stage. BTW, it’s hara kiri, not Harry Carey. And that’s not Harry Carey, it’s Will Ferrell. And actually, ritual suicide is properly known as seppuku. Andrew’s zipper front jacket made him look like some cross between Kim Il-Jong and Ralph Kramden. That and the fuggy fatness.
Katie – After dear Katie Robot was ripped to shreds by the judges last week, she returned to the stage this week with an unstoppable red gleam in her eye and delivered her best performance to date (which, for Katie, is all relative – it was just okay). Staying pretty on key is new for Katie, and that in and of itself somewhat validated her inclusion in the top 12 over Lilly and Katelyn. But the Yoda singing and pageanty performance (which wasn’t helped by a cheesy split screen) did no favors for what was already an automaton level performance of Wild Horses. And even though she was on pitch, her voice didn’t ring and her tone was a bit blah. It took her a little while to find the sweet spot in the last note, so the moment that she had worked for came to naught. The other things that detracted from her performance were the flouncy junior prom dress and the intensely bright back lighting. The dress looked like she had been dyeing Easter eggs and the colors splashed all over her, and the lighting did two things: 1) it exposed every frizz and strand of hair and made it look like a bowl of noodles had been dumped on her head, and 2) it showed up every speckle of spit that flew out of her mouth. Now, I’m sure that all the singers spray some saliva in the course of their performances. But the lighting made it very noticeable and it would behoove any contestants to veto lighting like that in the future. Simon’s unspoken review was very clear.
Tim – The Urban clan consists of 2 parents and ten kids. Urban planning in this case did not involve condoms. While the stylists thinned out some of Tim’s helmet hair, he kept most of his trademark do, and a tight shirt helped show off one of his few assets. Because while he can respectably carry a tune and his wispy voice isn’t actually that terrible, his ability to interpret and perform are quite sorely lacking. Tim doesn’t appear all that bright, and I assume he was trawling around YouTube looking for an acoustic cover of a Rolling Stones song, happened across a reggae style acoustic version of Under My Thumb, and ran with it without heed of the lyrics or comprehending the inherent nastiness of the song. Because it’s all about a guy who has turned the tables and controls every facet of his woman’s life, and the lyrics are quite mean-spirited, to say the least. I mean, maybe that’s how he grew up and he doesn’t think twice about what the song means, but a jaunty, Mraz-y version of this song can only be the product of someone that is completely clueless. Maybe on Beatles night he should perform Run For Your Life on the ukulele. Simon gave the ol’ reverse bird for Tim’s efforts.
Tim’s mother admitted that she let his hair grow out as a baby and people mistook him for a girl. As an adult, Tim grows out his nails to a girly length. Coincidence? What’s with the Gokey heart? That’s sooo season 8. And douchey. On the flight back to LA, Timmy got to fly in the cockpit and was asked, “do you like gladiator movies?” I think Tim does.
Siobhan – I gotta tell ya – I have no idea why the judges and various sundry viewers are so agog over Siobhan’s performances. I guess she’s cultivated a kooky, offbeat persona that attracts misfits from miles around, but when you get right down to the singing, Siobhan is literally one note – she hits one big, long glory note and everyone seems to ignore the weird phrasings, the glee club-like tone, and the frequent pitchiness that makes me think her performances are big mess rather than a big hit. Siobhan also has a tendency to start off songs slow and stripped down, but when the band kicks in, she doesn’t shift into another gear, which disappoints me. It’s like she can sing only as fast as she can talk, and that’s a distractingly slow pace. The last note of Paint It Black started shouty, had a nice middle, and then ended screechy when she couldn’t sustain it. The spinning cameras probably distracted a lot of viewers from noticing that the note, like the rest of her performance, was not very clean. Siobhan’s kooky dress sense was on display tonight, another poofy junior prom dress finished off with… combat boots. How endearingly kooky! How… Mr. Nanny-ish. And as if to completely overdo it, Siobhan whipped out a pair of comic but not actually needed glasses and then mugged for the camera to complete the overkill. You know what they say – you should never go full retard. And Siobhan is going full retard. I enjoyed Siobhan so much more when she was the girl who made weird singing faces rather than the girl who’s essentially the goth Kellie Pickler. What do you think Simon? BTW, Simon thinks Under My Thumb is “boring”. This from the guy who is proud that he produced Susan Boyle’s album. If you look at his resume, you have to wonder why anyone thinks he’s qualified to judge what is current. 58 year old gimmick singers? Really?
Lee – Ryan dubbed Lee “the Pride of Chicago”. Because, screw Oprah and Obama – Lee is the person everyone in Chicago is proud of. Well, when he’s not messing up their paint orders, that is. Lee wore a jacket that was very similar to an Adam jacket from last year, except where Adam owned the jacket, Lee’s puckered and cinched and wrinkled in all sorts of places. It’s probably the nicest thing Lee ever wore, and it’s a size too small (or he’s a size too big). Lee sang a lot of Beast of Burden through his nose, and while this was the only time Lee stayed on-key, it was still a rather coffeehouse type of performance. His growliness had a bit more character to it than I’ve heard in the past, but it was all rather nondescript and average, much like Lee himself. You really have to do more than just stand there and sing, and that’s all Lee did. Simon pointed out that Lee is a bit boring. A bit? Did you listen to that pre-song interview with Ryan? He was less coherent and interesting that David Archuleta. Lee is easily to least interesting and most boring contestant left.
Paige – According to Paige, things kicked off for Paige’s musical career when she got a small part in this Christmas play. Huh? Was it directed by Tim Burton? How weird. Paige’s mother said that “people would actually come to church on Sunday when Paige would sing”. Because Jesus got nothin’ on Paige when attendance is on the line. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed Honky Tonk Woman, which is not to say that I’m going to download it from iTunes anytime soon, but I didn’t nod off in the middle nor did I wince at bad notes, so hooray for small miracles. And miracles were afoot for Paige tonight, belting out a slightly smoky and somewhat powered rendition without the benefit of practice or normal vocal chords, as she was suffering from laryngitis for the past few days. I’m still not seeing the “best singer in the competition” thing, but Paige is another on-the-cusp top 12 finalist who validated her standing tonight. BTW, Paige better watch out for Tim in the “whitest friends” competition. I really though Paige was going to increase her lead when she invited these folks to the results show, the one where everyone thought Paige was toast (there’s actually another white guy off screen to the right). But then Tim busted out his friends tonight, and now the competition is ON. Also very white? Paige’s outfit. It’s something Carrie Underwood would wear. Or Haley Scarnato. I really think Paige let it all out on stage tonight. You know who let it all out on the field week after week? Lawrence Taylor.
Aaron – The biggest surprise of the night was neither Katie nor Paige, but Aaron, who actually sounded like a singer tonight. Again, not rushing to download his song or anything, but Aaron had one of the better male performances tonight. Angie still showed straining and an unpleasantly goaty vibrato, but almost all of the pitch problems were gone. Did I just write that? Aaron’s mom is the amusingly named Kelly Kelly, and one wonders if that was by birth or marriage. Perhaps one of her parents had echolalia. It also reminds me of the Kelly Song Woody composed for his fiancée on Cheers.
Aaron may have improved his singing this week, but he still needs to work on counting with his fingers. I hope that doesn’t cost him a spot in the top 11 – I mean, Crystal doesn’t really need the votes right now. Have you noticed how short this li’l squirt is? He’s half a head shorter than Ryan. What’s that make him, 4’ 10”? Criminy!
Crystal – So… Crystal was born with canines after all. I have to say that Crystal beat everyone hands down tonight, but I still feel like there isn’t enough there for me to embrace. She’s the only one who delivers a ring in her singing voice, and her tone is really nice. But I’m not wowed by her, and if someone else could actually rise to their potential, Crystal can be toppled. The thing is, the three singers I would have pegged to leapfrog over Crystal were Lilly, Katelyn, and Alex. So I have little hope this year that anyone is really going to do better than Crystal, and that’s a bit depressing since that’s not a high ceiling at all. It’s funny that Crystal sang You Can’t Always Get What You Want, because she dressed like she should be singing You’re The One That I Want instead. The shirt also displayed some extensive ink on her back – Crystal has been saying that she’s on Idol to give her son a better life, but I think it’s for her son and for tattoo money. I know Andrew Garcia’s parents were in a gang, but I think Crystal’s father was in a gang as well – they were called The Natives, their leader was Bill the Butcher, and they roamed early 19th century New York. Or at least that what the movie said. Perhaps Gangs of New York is historically inaccurate. Woopsy Daisy!
And a post script (because, goddamn, this blog isn’t long enough as it is) – raise your hand if you noticed that Darth Urban was standing on the bridge of The Enterprise. Keep it raised if you actually said that out loud after you clicked on the picture.
Ahh… spoken like a true geek.
I hope I can block out that awful re-tread from last night for 20 years too!
The memory of Ely backstage puppeting those skeletons will be with me forever it seems. 
