OK me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost 2 years now. We are very serious in this relationship and we live together. We have had our share of problems, but there is something that has been happening that really bothers me. We fight about this all the time and it could be pushing us to a break-up. I'm posting here just to get opinions on whether I'm overreacting or if what's going on is definetely taboo.
She has this guy friend that she has known for a few years. She has had sex with him before and is still friends with him. That fact alone doesn't bother me. I also remain friends with some girls who I have slept with in the past, but I also understand there are boundaries. They work together so I know its not possible for her to just ignore him completely. They do however, work in different areas so they are not together constantly at work.
When we first started being serious, he would text her constantly all the time. He used to text her a lot at times like 3AM. I asked why this guy is always texting her at these odd hours and she made the excuse that "he works graveyard shift." She obviously didn't see this as innappropriate. I very quickly started to get a bad vibe about him. After talking to her about it a couple more times, it finally started to calm down.
Once we were in a nightclub, and she kept answering and sending texts on her phone. I got frustrated and grabbed her phone as another text was coming in. It was from him and it said "with benefits?" I scrolled back a bit and he basically said that they don't hang out as much anymore because she has a boyfriend now. She replied, "we can still be friends." Then that's when the benefits text came in. This totally upset me. Discussing this with her a little while later, she says to me, "he texted me after that and said, oh I'm just playing." Yeah I bet he was... unless she would have said yes. I know how this game works, I'm a guy too. This was the point to where I developed a total disliking for the guy. You just don't say that kind of shit.
I have seen before where he sends her flirty messages via IM on the computer or text messages on the phone. They are usually not direct obvious comments, but rather those innocent sexual induendos that are used to try to get things going. So there's no telling how far he pushes it when he sees her at work. She knows that I don't like him and why I don't like him. Yet she doesn't seem to feel the same way. She never tells him to back off or that its inappropriate. Its as if she'll let him act this way towards her so that he will still be her friend.
We usually both work swing shift at different places. About 2-3 weeks ago, she was scheduled for a rare day shift and I was supposed to work at night, so basically she would be getting home that day just after I went to work. Well before I went to work, one of my friends asked if he could work for me because he needed the money so I let him. She got home and was a bit startled that I was still home. I explained to her why I wasn't working. She then mentioned that she and her best friend were going to the fair, so I went along with them. I found out a few days later in a very strange way, that she invited him to go hang out with her at work on her day shift. She also actually planned on meeting him somewhere else that night (not the fair).
I confronted her about this. I asked her what her plans were that night before she found out I wasn't working. She told me where she was originally planning on going. I asked, "with who?" She told me one of her female friends. I asked, "who else?" She says, "well one of my friends said he might meet me up there." Irritated because she kept dancing around it, I asked again, "Who?" She finally told me it was him. After that we got into a long and very emotional conversation about why I don't like him, and why its uncomfortable for her to be hanging out with him. She assured me that she understood and wouldn't do it again.
The next morning I had to get up to work a day shift on the weekend. She woke up around the same time I did. A little while before I went to work, I saw on her phone where she texted him just before we went to bed the previous night (after our long conversation about him). The texts to him said, "I will tell you about it tomorrow" and "it was basically about you." He just replied, "OK." Everything before that was erased. Before I left, I asked her when was the last time she talked to him. She said yesterday. I asked, "have you spoken to him since we had our conversation last night?" She looked right at me and said, "No." I then asked her about four more times the same question, and it slowly changed to, "just before we went to bed I told him goodnight." I then told her that I saw the text messages. She started throwing a fit about me going through her phone, which I thought was ridiculous. We fought for a little bit and then I had to go to work. When I got home we had a deep conversation about it... again.
Over the next week or so we had a couple of conversations about how our relationship was in poor shape and all the reasons why. We discussed that the two biggest reasons was this guy and her lying to me. I was under the impression that we saw eye to eye and would start working things out.
Here we are about two weeks later and things have been getting better. This past Wednesday I was at work and she had the night off. She sent me a text telling me she was going over one of her female friends' house. Later that night after I got off we went out to a local nightclub (which was packed) with a few friends. I saw him there and became instantly angered. A couple friends we were with had to calm me down. I have never actually spoken to the guy, so I don't know if he knows how much I hate him, but I'm pretty sure he does. Odd thing is though, whenever we are together and we see him in public, she acts like she doesn't even know him and ignores him.
Well I just found out today, that on Wednesday when she told me she was going to hang out with one of her girlfriends, she was actually going to hang out with her and him (this was not his girlfriend). I confronted her about this, and she actually admitted to me that HE was the one who invited her to go hang out.
So I am now very upset and disappointed. She told me that this was gonna stop and already here we are less than three weeks later and its happening again. I love her very much and don't want to break up, but I feel like this has about pushed me off the edge of this relationship and I don't know if I'm willing to put up with it anymore. What would you do in this situation?
She has this guy friend that she has known for a few years. She has had sex with him before and is still friends with him. That fact alone doesn't bother me. I also remain friends with some girls who I have slept with in the past, but I also understand there are boundaries. They work together so I know its not possible for her to just ignore him completely. They do however, work in different areas so they are not together constantly at work.
When we first started being serious, he would text her constantly all the time. He used to text her a lot at times like 3AM. I asked why this guy is always texting her at these odd hours and she made the excuse that "he works graveyard shift." She obviously didn't see this as innappropriate. I very quickly started to get a bad vibe about him. After talking to her about it a couple more times, it finally started to calm down.
Once we were in a nightclub, and she kept answering and sending texts on her phone. I got frustrated and grabbed her phone as another text was coming in. It was from him and it said "with benefits?" I scrolled back a bit and he basically said that they don't hang out as much anymore because she has a boyfriend now. She replied, "we can still be friends." Then that's when the benefits text came in. This totally upset me. Discussing this with her a little while later, she says to me, "he texted me after that and said, oh I'm just playing." Yeah I bet he was... unless she would have said yes. I know how this game works, I'm a guy too. This was the point to where I developed a total disliking for the guy. You just don't say that kind of shit.
I have seen before where he sends her flirty messages via IM on the computer or text messages on the phone. They are usually not direct obvious comments, but rather those innocent sexual induendos that are used to try to get things going. So there's no telling how far he pushes it when he sees her at work. She knows that I don't like him and why I don't like him. Yet she doesn't seem to feel the same way. She never tells him to back off or that its inappropriate. Its as if she'll let him act this way towards her so that he will still be her friend.
We usually both work swing shift at different places. About 2-3 weeks ago, she was scheduled for a rare day shift and I was supposed to work at night, so basically she would be getting home that day just after I went to work. Well before I went to work, one of my friends asked if he could work for me because he needed the money so I let him. She got home and was a bit startled that I was still home. I explained to her why I wasn't working. She then mentioned that she and her best friend were going to the fair, so I went along with them. I found out a few days later in a very strange way, that she invited him to go hang out with her at work on her day shift. She also actually planned on meeting him somewhere else that night (not the fair).
I confronted her about this. I asked her what her plans were that night before she found out I wasn't working. She told me where she was originally planning on going. I asked, "with who?" She told me one of her female friends. I asked, "who else?" She says, "well one of my friends said he might meet me up there." Irritated because she kept dancing around it, I asked again, "Who?" She finally told me it was him. After that we got into a long and very emotional conversation about why I don't like him, and why its uncomfortable for her to be hanging out with him. She assured me that she understood and wouldn't do it again.
The next morning I had to get up to work a day shift on the weekend. She woke up around the same time I did. A little while before I went to work, I saw on her phone where she texted him just before we went to bed the previous night (after our long conversation about him). The texts to him said, "I will tell you about it tomorrow" and "it was basically about you." He just replied, "OK." Everything before that was erased. Before I left, I asked her when was the last time she talked to him. She said yesterday. I asked, "have you spoken to him since we had our conversation last night?" She looked right at me and said, "No." I then asked her about four more times the same question, and it slowly changed to, "just before we went to bed I told him goodnight." I then told her that I saw the text messages. She started throwing a fit about me going through her phone, which I thought was ridiculous. We fought for a little bit and then I had to go to work. When I got home we had a deep conversation about it... again.
Over the next week or so we had a couple of conversations about how our relationship was in poor shape and all the reasons why. We discussed that the two biggest reasons was this guy and her lying to me. I was under the impression that we saw eye to eye and would start working things out.
Here we are about two weeks later and things have been getting better. This past Wednesday I was at work and she had the night off. She sent me a text telling me she was going over one of her female friends' house. Later that night after I got off we went out to a local nightclub (which was packed) with a few friends. I saw him there and became instantly angered. A couple friends we were with had to calm me down. I have never actually spoken to the guy, so I don't know if he knows how much I hate him, but I'm pretty sure he does. Odd thing is though, whenever we are together and we see him in public, she acts like she doesn't even know him and ignores him.
Well I just found out today, that on Wednesday when she told me she was going to hang out with one of her girlfriends, she was actually going to hang out with her and him (this was not his girlfriend). I confronted her about this, and she actually admitted to me that HE was the one who invited her to go hang out.
So I am now very upset and disappointed. She told me that this was gonna stop and already here we are less than three weeks later and its happening again. I love her very much and don't want to break up, but I feel like this has about pushed me off the edge of this relationship and I don't know if I'm willing to put up with it anymore. What would you do in this situation?
