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Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

post #1 of 60
4/12/08 at 7:20pm
Thread Starter 
Hello all.


I meet this girl a year ago( feb 2007) at one of my comedy shows. We got each others email and phone numbers and talked a few times But never really went out since I worked retail and had no time to ask her out. I Kind Of put her in the back of my mind of I should have called her more or atleast asked her out.


Fast Forward to Christmas 2007. She calls me and leaves me a message wishing me a a merry one. I waste no time to pick up the phone and call her its as if we had been friends for years when we talked. A month later we were dating.



Everything was going well. we would spend weekends together go to the beach ( she lives on the cape) Go for drives, make each other dinner the whole Nine yards. She is great she is smart funny and Just a great all around person.


This past Monday I get a phone call fromher saying that she cant do this anymore and that her heart is not in the same place as mine. Come to find out that from the time we met and when she called me she dated a guy who really $%^$ ed her over. I guess she hasnt really gotten over him yet.



Now I do have to mention that she is a single mom with 2 awesome kids she works 40 hours and goes to school part time and next simester looks as if it is going to be more involved.


Im thinking she has too much on her plate right for me right now. She sent me an email saying that she is going to call me and explain more in detail on why she did what she did.


I like this Girl alot and I do want to have her in my Life.


what advice if any can you guys/girls give me to get through or possibly maybe get back together with this amazing person.


the one thing she did tell me when she dropped the bomb was "I was a very funny and smart man. for what it us worth I guess that means something.



thanks in advance
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post #2 of 60
4/12/08 at 7:39pm

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Chicks, who needs 'em?

Now you can concentrate on that new business, no distractions.
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post #3 of 60
4/12/08 at 7:53pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

yeah I know but she was/is just a great person.



BTW the new business is starting to pick up some speed. I calibrated 3 sets at ones clients house last week. I Just spoke to some of my buddies who work at a local store who are more than willing to get me Business.
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post #4 of 60
4/12/08 at 8:14pm

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

I know it's a cliche but I think the best advice is to find something else to throw yourself into. You've got your business up and running, just spend your time concentrating on that for now. I know it's another cliche but you'll eventually find someone else.
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post #5 of 60
4/12/08 at 9:52pm

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Quote:
what advice if any can you guys/girls give me to get through or possibly maybe get back together with this amazing person.
I've got to be the last person who should give this kind of advice, but if she does call back, just be honest with each other. If you're not, it won't work out anyway. If it turns out not to be, then keeping busy helps but time is the only cure.
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post #6 of 60
4/12/08 at 11:42pm

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

After reading your post Mark, one thing she said stands out. That's when she said her "heart wasn't in it right now." If that's the case, then, there's nothing you can do. It sounds like you gave your all in the relationship and she wants something else. That's not your fault and if I were you I would move on and if she does come back, tell her you would like to be just friends. Keep your head up, no one is worth begging for. No matter how happy they make you feel. Take Care, Guy.
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post #7 of 60
4/12/08 at 11:57pm

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

There's this book for chicks called "He's Just Not That Into You" which actually has a pretty good overall message. Bottom line the message is this (aimed at girls but works for guys too)...you are an amazing person who deserves a partner that gives you the same love and attention you give them. If they have things in their life that are more important than you or if their "heart is in a different place" then it's their hang up and you deserve more.

It's hard to get broken up with, but you deserve someone who sees how great you are and wouldn't in a million years give you up for anything. If she's willing to let you go, then in the long run she's probably not the one that's going to make you happy.
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post #8 of 60
4/13/08 at 4:53am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Mark, I have to disagree somewhat with the last few comments. Sometimes it just isn't the right time. Clearly for her, now is not the right time. Of course, it may never be the right time, but there is no reason to close the door because of this. I'm not saying to wait around. Just don't close yourself off to the future either. Of course, if she comes back and then does this again, it's probably a sign of a bad habit and time to move on for good.
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post #9 of 60
4/13/08 at 5:28am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

I had a similar thing happen. Only she was seeing other people, even though she told me she was just seeing me. I got really worked over by the woman i was seeing. Had my guard down, and she had a good act. I still think about her, and its been 5 years. BUT, i have a really amazing woman in my life now, and we have been together 4 years. I couldnt ask for more.

I guess you could send flowers, call in a week or two. But know, its probably over. Do you have kids Mark, ever been married? If you want kids for instance, and she doesnt...i can see that as an impasse.
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post #10 of 60
4/13/08 at 6:34am
Thread Starter 

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

her B day is coming up at the end of the month and i was just thinking about sending her a card or a nice thoughtful gift.



what do you think
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post #11 of 60
4/13/08 at 6:40am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

never ask yourself "why did she leave me?"

ask yourself "why couldn't I leave her?"


her reason for leaving you was the opposite of yours
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post #12 of 60
4/13/08 at 7:13am
Thread Starter 

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

will that is one of the best things that I have heard pertaining to this



thanks man
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post #13 of 60
4/13/08 at 10:28am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Mark, what have you decided you're going to do? All too often in relationships when people ask others for advice they have already made thier minds up as to the course of action they intend to take. They end up asking for advice more to find people who agree with them rather than consider advice that may not be what they want to hear. All too often those same people say to themselves, "man, I wish I took that advice." Another thing that strikes me odd is, why did she wait 10 months to get back up with you? It seems possible that the bad relationship she was in could have fell into that time frame. For all you know that relationship could have been going on when she met you. As far as sending her a gift, I don't see anything wrong with that. I wouldn't make the gift romantically involved or anything of that nature. The bottom line is, this woman was involved with you for four months. You put your heart in the relationship and she more than likely didn't. She has decided what's best for her and has asked you to understand. That's fine. You need to worry about what's best for you now. If your love wasn't enough that she could walk away, then, give it to someone who will appreciate it. No matter how you look at this and try to justify it, she's pretty much made her decision on this relationship and she has alot to worry about from what you said. Maybe this will work out in a few years, but, are you going to wait around? What about other women you're bound to meet. Isn't it possible that the person for you may still be out there and this woman wasn't the one? I'm a firm believer that as long as you do what you can things work out the way they should. Not the way you want, mind you, but, the way they should.
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post #14 of 60
4/13/08 at 10:58am
Thread Starter 

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

I have decided that I am going to accept the fact that we are broken up and if she needs some time of to recover from that last relationship fine. I am not mad at her I am just confused. She would email me at 6 in the morning or call me at 6 as well just as i was leaving for work. She left me a voice mail of her rendition of Love song By Sara Barellis ( sp) She would ask if i was staying over for the weekend so we could wake up next to each other then BOOM!!!!!!!!! " I cant do this anymore.


as I stated before she has a full plate and adding me to the mix must have been a bit scary
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post #15 of 60
4/13/08 at 11:15am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

I can understand your confusion. Usually a person's actions are indicators of their actual feelings. From what you describe it sounds like she really wanted to be over this other person and did everything she thought she should do to be in a relationship with you, but ultimately she wasn't being honest with herself about what she was ready for and truly capable of giving. Sometimes we want to be ready for something or somebody else more than we actually are. Ironically, you may face the same thing as you move on from this; not that it should stop you - it just kind of stinks for everyone, so you have my sympathies.
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post #16 of 60
4/13/08 at 2:45pm

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

The next boyfriend or girlfriend after a major, failed relationship usually pays the price for that failure. Rebound relationships don’t often work out well.

My sympathies. Just make sure that you don’t wind up with a new girlfriend that you are using to try to work out what happened with the last one (this is of course much easier to advise than to accomplish).
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post #17 of 60
4/13/08 at 4:52pm

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Quote:
I can understand your confusion. Usually a person's actions are indicators of their actual feelings.
Quote:
Rebound relationships don’t often work out well.
I don't have any advice, just my personal experience. My last girlfriend just broke up with her boyfriend a week before I met her. We went out a few times and she would remind me that she didn't want to get involved again too soon. She didn't want another relationship. But each time I dropped her off, should would always ask when will we see each other again. So I took that as she still wanted to have a relationship even though she didn't think she did. We have been married 17 years now.
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post #18 of 60
4/13/08 at 6:46pm

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Give her the space she wants and see what happens over the next 30-60 days. In that time she may reconsider what she had and want you back. If that doesn't happen then more than likely it is over.
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post #19 of 60
4/14/08 at 4:09am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

No birthday cards, no emails, no phone calls. Cut her off completely. If she can't take it she can't take it. If she were to respond then either she will be unhappy for doing so, or you will have reinforced an unpleasant habit. On the off chance she reaches back out to you - make her sweat it - she has to re-earn your trust and confidence.

It is hard when you are hurting, but stay in control of yourself and the situation. You can't control her, but you can control your reaction to her. Keep your dignity and wits about you and things will work out in your favor - just not how you may expect.

I'd be willing to bet that you will eventually find material in this for work...
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post #20 of 60
4/14/08 at 6:50am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eric_L
No birthday cards, no emails, no phone calls. Cut her off completely. If she can't take it she can't take it. If she were to respond then either she will be unhappy for doing so, or you will have reinforced an unpleasant habit. On the off chance she reaches back out to you - make her sweat it - she has to re-earn your trust and confidence.

It is hard when you are hurting, but stay in control of yourself and the situation. You can't control her, but you can control your reaction to her. Keep your dignity and wits about you and things will work out in your favor - just not how you may expect.

I'd be willing to bet that you will eventually find material in this for work...


Best. Advice. Ever. The last thing you want to lose in this situation is your pride (speaking from experience on both ends of the spectrum). You might be losing her, but if you keep your dignity and pride, how exactly are you losing?

Besides, if you don't go all "lost puppy" on her, it'll drive her crazy.
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post #21 of 60
4/14/08 at 9:09am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Troy and Eric said it better than I could.

Best of luck.
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post #22 of 60
4/14/08 at 9:35am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eric_L
No birthday cards, no emails, no phone calls. Cut her off completely. If she can't take it she can't take it. If she were to respond then either she will be unhappy for doing so, or you will have reinforced an unpleasant habit. On the off chance she reaches back out to you - make her sweat it - she has to re-earn your trust and confidence.

I disagree with this approach, all you are doing is playing head games, and while it may appear that you are maintaining your pride what counts in the long run is not how you appear to others but how you feel about yourself. Do you really want to be manipulating her feelings? Just be honest with her and hopefully she will do the same for you. While it may seem like a long time, four months is nothing, and if the two of you are meant to be, giving her the space she needs is sensible and appropriate. Sure, the situation is confusing, but that is the nature of relationships as we get older, and have to not only deal with the person involved, but all the baggage they carry. Give her time to get her head straight (and yours as well) and see where things go. Don't impose any expectations.

I wouldn't be sending gifts for her birthday, but a quick call is civil.
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post #23 of 60
4/14/08 at 10:24am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Quote:
I disagree with this approach, all you are doing is playing head games, and while it may appear that you are maintaining your pride what counts in the long run is not how you appear to others but how you feel about yourself.

Trust me. It doesn't matter how he feels about himself now, it matters how he feels about himself a couple years from now. If he resists the stupid urges to do dumb sickeningly romantic things for what appears to be a hopeless cause, he'll save himself a lot of humiliation both now and every time he thinks about it for years to come. Self-control and discipline is never a bad thing and the lack of it is can lead to lifelong embarrassment.

As far as "playing games" is concerned, in what way is he "playing games"? It's not like he's going to be calling her trying to emotionally sway her one way or the other. If he gets advice from people that concentrating on having no contact with her is better for him in the long run and he follows that advice, how is that "playing games"? He's just respecting his own (and her own) right to be left alone for a while. The fact that no contact often drives the other party crazy may be an added benefit to this advice? Well, that's on her.

I've always wondered why people give the advice to "follow your heart". That shit only works in movies. In truth, the heart is a dumb, stupid, overworked organ that almost never makes the right decision. Follow your head, that's what it was made for.
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post #24 of 60
4/14/08 at 10:47am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

The advice to simply cut off all contact sounds to me like head games - a form of punishment - unless it is mutually agreed upon. We obviously don't know the whole story here, neither does Mark which is a big part of the problem, but unless this woman was purposefully toying with his affections, there is no reason to sever communication. That doesn't mean making a fool of himself by being overly romantic, which is obviously not what this person wants. I do think a "cooling off" period is warranted to give both parties room to breathe and examine their own feelings and motives. If she can explain things it will give Mark a better read on where this woman is at emotionally, and if she IS such an amazing person, she deserves to be treated with respect and given time to sort things out, although Mark does have to be careful of his own feelings and make a conscious effort not to be reactionary - just go with the flow and see where things lead while not getting overly distracted from his other activities by the relationship (or lack of relationship) issues.
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post #25 of 60
4/14/08 at 11:28am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

I am with Jeff G.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeff Ulmer
The advice to simply cut off all contact sounds to me like head games - a form of punishment - unless it is mutually agreed upon.

Surely you jest. Jeff U., there is no "mutually" anything at this point. The gal dumped him. There is no relationship. It's over. There is no "We."

The only person's whose feelings and well-being Mark needs to worry about at this point is himself. Do what you have to do to get a good place emotionally, and unless you are built differently from the rest of us, that will require some time away from her.

The relationship was 4 months old -- you will get over it. No one is that awesome.

Most of us have been there.

--
H
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post #26 of 60
4/14/08 at 11:41am

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Well Mark, please correct me if I'm wrong, but, it seems you've fallen in love with this woman. At least that's the impression I'm getting. No one is rational when it comes to love. That's why keeping your contact and distance to a minimum is necessary. You DO need to worry about your self respect. The cold hard reality is that once a relationship ends 9 times out of 10 it is for good. Even if they get back together, the person who was left will always have that in the back of thier minds. That can drastically affect how that person moves through the rekindled relationship. People don't like being hurt emotionally and barriers will go up with this woman if she and you get back together. Also, because love is irrational, it makes it hard to just be friends and socialize with the person that you care for without having that love come to the surface.
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post #27 of 60
4/14/08 at 2:18pm

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

I've had similar situations, both being dumped and being the dumper (no better word, sounds like a poop joke). I find that if you 2 talk openly (which it doesn't sound like it's happened yet) you could be friends. You both care for each other, just differently, if both of you are comfortable not doing the romantic thing, you could still be friends. I've managed it and I'm a total ass with this stuff.

I think the cutting her off completely stuff makes sense after you've had the convo on what went wrong. Part of the closure. She said she would call you to talk about it better, see how that goes. You know you can't "win her back", but you can try to understand her position, and see if she still effects your life positivly. You might find in time that you guys are better friends then partners. Or you may not ever want to talk to each other. Just be true to yourself, be hionest with her, and see what happens. Just don't rush anything.

All I can advise.
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post #28 of 60
4/14/08 at 3:00pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Hey Guys Great advice.


Well Last Night she sent me an email saying that she felt Jaded from her last relationship. She doesnt hate me she has no resentment towords me. and i towards her. I told her flat out that I like her. I am not talking Marriage, selling our Houses and buy a new one. I just said I just want to do is talk on the phone go out to dinner every now and then and hang out. I wont stay over I'll Just drop her off at the end of the date.


She is calling me tonight.
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post #29 of 60
4/14/08 at 3:05pm

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

Nice Mark! sounds like your handling it well and in a mture way. If it gets weird, well, worry about that when it happens. I think if you continue to be true to yourself and open like you are with her, you might have a new friend.
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post #30 of 60
4/14/08 at 3:23pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Girlfriend Broke up with Me. Monday.

I decided that the Oh I miss you, I need you thing is over played. Im in the point in my life where I dont need the drama ( thats what I have cable for ) My Parents Just love her so does my Bro and His GF.


I'll see how it goes tonight.


later
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