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Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread - Page 4  

post #91 of 167
9/7/06 at 1:11pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holadem
Geez Jeff, did you read my rant on page 1?

Well, a setting as formal sounding as a "very nice Italian restaurant" is an awfully high-pressure environment for a lady who has turned down more casual outings. For you too for that matter, I would think.

Sorry bro, to be honest, this appears to be a lost cause. That email wasn't really a very good idea. Yet, while she probably does not see you as a potential mate, she did like you enough to invite you out the first time. She would be a good friend for you, I think... if you don't insist too much (like you already are!). No more emails until she replies.

Chalk this one up to experience if it doesn't work out. Experience is a good thing.

--
H


As far as the resturaunt goes.... she invited me to a resturaunt/bar on the beach the first time. I figured it was an appropriate choice for a second time . Very public, open area, decently lit, and a fun and friendly atmosphere. I also made a point to mention they have tables for 2-7 people, so if there was someone else she wanted to bring along, she was more than welcome to do so. I definetly didn't use the word date, as I don't consider it that.

If it is a lost cause, your right, I'll leave it at that and hopefully remember what to do next time. I'd be more than happy just to expand my friend base, wich is why I was trying to return the offer to begin with. but with no experience, I may have chosen the wrong venue not knowing any local hot spots that the kids go to these days..
post #92 of 167
9/7/06 at 1:25pm

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

"the kids"... here we go again .

--
H
post #93 of 167
9/7/06 at 1:26pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holadem
"the kids"... here we go again .

--
H

Re: My defenition of anyone under twenty, and more hip than i ever have a hope of being as to where to go for a fun night out .
post #94 of 167
9/7/06 at 1:35pm

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Yeah... That's the spirit.

If you think so poorly of yourself, why would you expect anyone to feel differently?

Also, who cares where teenagers go? Aren't you 28?
post #95 of 167
9/7/06 at 1:37pm

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Which makes me wonder, exactly how old is this gal?

--
H
post #96 of 167
9/7/06 at 3:54pm

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

chicks of all ages dig:

1) a 6-pack
2) guys who can dance
3) guys who know how to dress well
4) Beamers
5) guys who are smart, funny, & cool

Pick at least 3 of those and there's a 50% chance we can find a butterface for you.
post #97 of 167
9/7/06 at 4:05pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Well, I had a very nice chat with her fellow secretary there. She WAS Trying to help me out with my conversation on Tuesday by giving me clues as to what the lady was interested in, and then seeing that I was so inept, even clues might not help, she changed the conversation completly...So I definetly thanked her today and made sure she knew it was appreciated.


We had a 5 minute or so chat, and I filled her in on why it was so awkward, and she told me that the lady I was asking got hit on all the time, so she wasn't offended by my awkwardness, but flattered by it... So that made me feel better at least, even if there really is no chance at a second time around..

Ahh well, like the second lady today told me, at least I tried and live and learn .
post #98 of 167
9/7/06 at 4:57pm

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scott L
chicks of all ages dig:

1) a 6-pack
2) guys who can dance
3) guys who know how to dress well
4) Beamers
5) guys who are smart, funny, & cool

Pick at least 3 of those and there's a 50% chance we can find a butterface for you.
I've got 3 and it's not as helpful as you'd think.
post #99 of 167
9/7/06 at 5:40pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holadem
Which makes me wonder, exactly how old is this gal?

--
H


Didn't see this one, She's either my age, or three or four years younger wich would make her around 24.
post #100 of 167
9/7/06 at 7:06pm

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

How many times do you go to this doctors office? Seems like you're there an awful lot.
post #101 of 167
9/7/06 at 7:15pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Twice a week for weekly psoriasis treatment. And thankfully it's working because about 67% of it has cleared up.
post #102 of 167
9/7/06 at 10:01pm

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

My recollection is in asking for date (or even a get-together if not an actual date), you do need to be fairly certain in where and when. Otherwise you come across as wishy-washy, and as others have pointed out, have no life and are literally waiting on her, which is a sure sign of desperation. If she is actually not free on the suggested time, if she's interested she'll counter-propose an alternative -- unless she's one of those who wants to play the game of having the guy chase her non-stop, and you don't want to get involved in that anyway.

And if the first girl isn't interested any longer, how about the second? After all, you presumably have gotten over the initial awkwardness since you seem to have had lengthy chats with her, if she was prepared to "help" you with the first then she must not have a totally negative impression of you -- although I do concede that it might smack of "second choice" to the second lady, which is of course not a good start. Having said that, if you "see" her regularly (which I understand is the case since she works in this doctor's office?), nothing to lose by at least just talking to her regularly, which might help in the longer term with you overcoming your awkwardness and shyness around women.
post #103 of 167
9/8/06 at 8:45am

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkHastings
I've got 3 and it's not as helpful as you'd think.
I don't think he meant that kind of six-pack.
post #104 of 167
9/8/06 at 8:46am

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Lockwood
...

But doesn't it also mean being your own person, not following other people's rules on what you "should" like? Why is Star Wars any less valid an interest than opera or Japanese cooking?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ricardo C
I'm not saying it isn't a valid interest. A peek at my Star Wars memorabilia collection will show anyone that I'm a big ol' nerd. But cherishing one's precious individuality can be taken too far. You have to be aware of the world around you and be ready to be accomodating. Someone as gung-ho about opera or Japanese cooking as the average Star Wars fan is about his hobby would grate, fast.

Additionally, "Star Wars" is a tiny subset of the much larger world of film. Saying you're into Star Wars isn't like saying you're into opera, it's like saying you're into a particular opera and that you obsess over that one opera and no others.

...

I just won't brag about it to a woman I'm just getting to know

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeff Gatie
I have told the story before how my interest in ballet was sparked by an adolescent crush on a ballerina and I figured if I showed an interest, she'd talk to me. Nothing became of the crush except a good friend, but I can't tell you how many times I've attended a ballet performance with a pretty girl on my arm who was quite taken with a guy who could appreciate the art (yet still know how to change a tire and enjoy a hockey game or two). It's a big world out there folks and some of it is even enjoyable if you open your mind up and look at everything as an adventure and not a chore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeff Gatie
Easy answer - CAUSE 90% OF THE CHICKS IN THE WORLD DON'T CARE ABOUT STAR WARS!!! (we do remember that the purpose of this thread is to get a date, don't we??)

I love Star Wars as much as the next guy, I just don't expect a girl to like me for it. Ditto for computers, hockey, Lord of the Rings, Off-Roading (like the one who asked me to put the top on my Jeep so her hair would stay nice - pffft!), etc. That's why I also cook, read literature, go to art museums, ballets, fine restaraunts, play a little piano, etc.
Quote:
Why do I rob banks? Because that is where the money is!

—Willie Sutton, noted safecracker

The point I was trying to make, is that one needs to get out to where the babes are—this is very different than any comment on the validity of anyone’s hobbies or choices.

A friend of mine used to teach a night class at a Big 10 school in opera. He told me that about 75% of those attending were women—and a very high percentage single. Anyone who has been to even a basic cooking class, knows the sex of the majority of those taking the class.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeff Gatie
...My friend was trying to impress a date and he figured he'd tackle fettucine alfredo without ever having cooked anything but Spaghetti O's in his life. Just before his date arrived, he called me up in a panic and asked me to whip something up. He faked it in the kitchen (*bang*, *slam*, *whisk-whisk* "No, no, don't come in, I want it to be a surprise!") until I drove up, tapped on the window and handed the meal through. She never suspected a thing; he took a cooking class and they are now married with 4 kids.
I think that there is a lot more than humor in this anecdote. Jeff’s friend was willing to try something about which he knew nothing in order to impress the girl. Did that mean he was compromising who he was by choosing to try (and fake) cooking dinner for her instead of taking her to see the Bruins? I suggest the answer is in the four kids.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Neil V
...I'd love to see if she can teach me a move or two on the dance floor......however doubtfull with my two left feet, but I'd be willing to try .
Now that is the spirit. I learned to dance when I figured out that by dancing I got to hold a girl in my arms instead of standing around the wall of the gym shuffling my feet. Sure I was awkward at first, but there were plenty of girls who were willing to teach me how—I was actually surprised at their willingness and kindness.

Even now I’m no Fred A, but I can dance well enough. Actually I’m probably no Ricardo either, as my experience in Venezuela makes me believe that Venezuelanos can all dance superbly. And being an Anglo, I can’t get my hips loose enough. But I’m still competent enough to have been out on the floor with a good many Venezuelanas half my age (and far, far better looking).

An aside, I once ran into a female colleague from Caracas in Buenos Aries (working for the same company on different assignments) and she immediately told me about a place to go dancing (as we used to go out dancing in Caracas a lot). This place had several different places to dance, all with different kinds of music. I asked her what kind of music she preferred. She replied, “Salsa, of course”. I reminded her that I was not really great at Salsa.

“True you aren’t, but the Argentines only know Tango, so they will think you are really good”.

My advice is to take all offers to learn to dance.
post #105 of 167
9/8/06 at 9:33am

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

I will say this... The little bit of Tango I know has gotten me more female attention than just about any other talent I can show off outside the bedroom I don't think it would fly in Argentina, since they actually know their stuff, but here and in the US? Heeeheeeeeeee...
post #106 of 167
9/10/06 at 12:55pm

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

If you find things are progressing well very quickly, try to take a reality check. E.g. don't get invited back to a stunning brunette's room and only then discover (and to make matters worse, discover tactilely) that s/he was only half way through their sex change operation. Not that I'm speaking from personal experience ...

Quote:
1) a 6-pack
2) guys who can dance
3) guys who know how to dress well
4) Beamers
5) guys who are smart, funny, & cool

And how many of these mythical creatures are straight?

My own limited experience is:

(1) forget working out what women find attractive - you will never ever work out why a partner finds you 'special'. However, unless you have truly weird fetishes, women can work out to the last micron of lace what you will find attractive.

(2) provided you have reasonable standards of personal hygiene and don't look either like your mom still chooses your clothes or that you've just come out of a dungeons and dragons convention, chances are that a woman won't be bothered with what you're wearing. If a woman does, then you can look forward to lots of visits to expensive clothes shops in the future [i.e. run, and don't look back].

(3) there are few women enthralled by conversations about home theater, Star Wars, or similar. Basically, if an integral part of the topic is something run by electricity, forget it.

(4) giving someone plenty of opportunities to talk about themselves will get you a reputation of being sympathetic and a good listener. Don't interrupt, and until you are sure you are on solid ground, don't offer anything beyond neutral comments.

(5) when talking about yourself, don't spend all your time making insults about other people or how lousy your life is at the moment. Nobody wants to go out with a whiner.

(6) one of the few cliches that in my experience is accurate is that if someone is rude to waiters or bar staff, the chances are high that they are unpleasant in their private lives.

(7) forget chasing after someone with radically different looks and lifestyle. With supreme effort you can get someone like that, but the chances are very high that you will be bored with them in no time at all.
post #107 of 167
9/10/06 at 3:45pm

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

If you don't know how to work a party or bar scene sober or buzzed and you don't like getting drunk (where you'll probably be even less able to handle yourself adequetely with the opposite sex) I don't know how well it would work for you, but experience can work wonders on just about anything. Lew's advice about other social events are probably best for you, at 28.

There's no reason you have to hide your interests completely but you can develop more socially acceptable mainstream interests to better promote yourself initially as Lew and others have suggested. Current music is probably a good one, get to know popular and genre and indy music, it's probably the least eclectic of any other thing you can do. Classic Rock is good to know as well, you'll make better compilation CDs.

The first thing you need to get over is the fear and desperation reeking out of your posts. I don't know if you exercise, but even if you're not trying to lose weight, or bulk up, a vigorous morning jog or doing a scaled-down Crossfit workout accomplishes wonders in every single aspect of the rest of your life. Exercise, literally, makes my day.

you sound afraid of and intimidated by women, that'll never work because you won't have an equal relationship. Believe me you want something equal, you don't want to be stuck in a relationship with someone who makes you do 95% of the work but thinks they're putting ALL the effort in.

First overcome your fear, and the desperation will fix itself.

Experience builds confidence and experience helps to overcome fear. you can't do anything if you don't put yourself in play attending social events as others have mentioned. You may crash and burn, but once you do the terror will be a lot less the next time and you'll have better idea of how to nail a landing.

It sounds like you want to meet one girl and that'll be it, that'll be the only girl for you, ever. It just doesn't happen all that often in the modern western world outside of very conservative christian subcommunities.

And you have to completely give up on this girl. Sorry, once you admitted you're absolutely inexperienced and no good at this she probably freaked and cut you off. To a guy like you it makes sense to admit inexperience because in your experience someone will probably tease you a bit and then help you out. Problem is, most of your interactions seem to be with guys. That's how we learn about sports, home theatre, fishing etc--it's the basic tenet of guy-guy social communication: give shit, help out a bit, give more shit, laugh. Same pattern all the advice in this thread has followed, including mine, naturally.

But relationships are completely different and it's a giant turnoff to say you've got no experience in this. She doesn't have the time effort or inclination to potty train you, it's libel to be an emotionally messy and taxing experience; why should she get involved in the first place when she has no reasons right now to continue with you and you've just given her a lot of good reasons to avoid you like the plague?

But now you have a very valuable experience and you'll do better on your next attempt.

But the thing is you're afraid of women and you sound afraid of dating. You can't understand either unless you mix in yourself and become part of the scene where people do find other people.
post #108 of 167
9/10/06 at 4:43pm

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

I need eloquence, and I have none!

I’ll lend you mine! Lend me your conquering physical charm, and together we’ll form a romantic hero!

...

Your true self has prevailed over your outer appearance. I now love you for your soul alone.

...

But you can be happy now: your thoughts outshine your face. Your handsomeness was what first attracted me, but now that my eyes are open I no longer see it!
post #109 of 167
9/10/06 at 4:54pm

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Homer: You had me at 'Hello'
Mel Gibson: I didn't SAY Hello!
post #110 of 167
9/10/06 at 7:01pm

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Wow, you guys are funny.

Don't get me wrong; all of this advice makes perfect sense to me, but without a “woman's touch”, I'm not sure how much stock I'd put into it.

With that, I'll join in the sausage-fest, and make my own suggestion.

Neil, assuming you want a relationship, then in that regard, most women want just one thing: to be able to fall asleep at night knowing that someone wonderful adores them.

So step one is to be someone wonderful.

Yeah, it sounds hard, but it's easy. All you have to do is to take to heart and at every opportunity apply the following axiom:

People will feel about you the way they feel about themselves after you've been with them.

That's it. That's all you have to do.

Make no mistake, this is no small matter for some people. You don't really strike me as someone who can relinquish focus on his own interests long enough to benefit from this kind of advice. I hope you can prove me wrong.
post #111 of 167
9/11/06 at 6:15am

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Perhaps, just perhaps, you need a differnt kind of relationship. One where the female exerts a more dominant role such as at alt.com
post #112 of 167
9/12/06 at 9:44am
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chu Gai
Perhaps, just perhaps, you need a differnt kind of relationship. One where the female exerts a more dominant role such as at alt.com


heh, it's a good thing I did a quick Google search on that site, or else who knows what would have popped up on my screen here at work . Wondering what a site called alt.com would be about, but the dominate should have been the clue, heh.

Just a bit of an update. Maybe the email wasn't such a bad thing after all. i sent one about a week ago, and she finally got back to me saying she would love to go, but now that September is here, night classes start, so with work and that, she barley has time to see her own friends, much less anyone else...

so who knows, there's a slim chance an 'outing/date' may still happen, but i'm betting it won't happen on the weekday .
post #113 of 167
9/12/06 at 9:55am

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Neil V
so who knows, there's a slim chance an 'outing/date' may still happen, [...]
No Neil, there isn't.

Your second paragraph is as close to a clear "no, I don't want to date you" as it gets (unless you insist, then it gets worse). Time to let it go.

--
H
post #114 of 167
9/12/06 at 10:01am

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Just a bit of an update. Maybe the email wasn't such a bad thing after all. i sent one about a week ago, and she finally got back to me saying she would love to go, but now that September is here, night classes start, so with work and that, she barley has time to see her own friends, much less anyone else...
She's letting you down easy - or trying to. If she were interested she would find/make the time and offer a counter proposal, regardless of how busy she is. As I said before, if a woman is interested it doesn't take all that much to persuade her to go out. Even if she's being totally literal, she's basically said she's not available to anyone except her existing circle.

Another important thing I've learned that is a horrible cliche - actions speak louder than words. Don't invest in what she's said; look at what she's doing (or not doing as the case may be).
post #115 of 167
9/12/06 at 10:08am

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

I agree with H. The "I'm too busy with classes, home, family, trombone lessons" excuse is femalespeak for "not a snowballs chance in hell, but I don't want to appear to be a bitch, so I'll make it seem like I'm letting you down easy, which is a really dumb thing to do because men are not good at taking subtle hints, but I do get a small thrill seeing you do a combination of chasing me and humiliating yourself, right up until the time you get creepy, at which time I can lament 'why can't he just take no for an answer' and then blame it all on you".

Give it up.
post #116 of 167
9/12/06 at 10:12am

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

"I will be busy for the next 2 years manning the Space Station"

"I am running for president"

"I am actually a man"

--
H
post #117 of 167
9/12/06 at 10:19am

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
"I will be busy for the next 2 years manning the Space Station"

"I am running for president"

"I am actually a man"
Well, that WOULD make things alot easier to figure out.
post #118 of 167
9/12/06 at 10:21am

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holadem
"I will be busy for the next 2 years manning the Space Station"

"I am running for president"

"I am actually a man"

--
H

I've told female friends to use excuses like this if they really don't like the guy, but they all seem to (a) Not want to be known as a cold bitch and/or (b) Will never put down a guy that finds them attractive; for even if they don't want to date him, he's still a source of compliments and flattery.

I, on the other hand have no qualms about breaking out the heavy artillery (STD's, psycho ex, "I'm gay, impotent, castrated, injured in the war", etc.) if needed, judging by the degree of human disaster that sidles up next to me and mumbles a hello through her three remaining teeth.
post #119 of 167
9/12/06 at 11:07am
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeff Gatie
I, on the other hand have no qualms about breaking out the heavy artillery (STD's, psycho ex, "I'm gay, impotent, castrated, injured in the war", etc.) if needed, judging by the degree of human disaster that sidles up next to me and mumbles a hello through her three remaining teeth.

Heh,I'd like to think this lady is alot nicer than that, but I'm still holding out hope since she did ask me to go somewhere first before i even mentioned going anywhere or showed any interest other than talking. Plus, at least part of her story holds up, as she is there from 6AM when we had to go in one time, to about 7 PM, the latest we arrived another day, way back in February.

I know quite a few women with busy schedules, my sister included who do not have time to do much more than sleep on their off hours, so i'm still holding out hope, however slim it may be, re-none .
post #120 of 167
9/12/06 at 11:33am

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeff Gatie
I've told female friends to use excuses like this if they really don't like the guy [...]
I dunno Jeff, sure it takes some getting used to, but once you know the language... I mean, do you really wanna know how far down you are on her list of priorities?

--
H
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