Home Theater Forum › Home Theater Forum › Other Diversions › After Hours Lounge › Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread  

post #1 of 167
Thread Starter 
OK everyone, h ere we go again on the merry go round of life.

There's a lady I know that is the complete opposite of my in lifestyle. Out all night dancing at clubs having a blast, while I prefer a more quiet night at home, an evening at a movie theater, a day at the beach, etc.

She's about my age, Cute, great personality and voice.

I've been trying to gauge if there is any spark or interest there, as we do talk a bit when I go, as I do with all the other folk in the place. We just found out she was right across the street from our shore house all summer long renting, but we where never down at the same time untill last weekend, and that was her last week.

So, here's the latest situation. I'm not a bar guy. Never drank in my life, and hate cigar smoke, so when we first passed each other last weekend, she invited me to the local beach club to hang out. My instant reaction was no thanks, catch ya later. Of course not soon after, I Regreted it because it would have been a great chance to chat and get to know her more.

So, today, I asked her to a breakfast resturaunt, only to find out last week was her last. She seemed really flattered, and it got a smile out of her, so I'm hoping that is a sign of interest. I am proceeding with caution here, as I'm not sure if there is a boyfriend in the mix, and am not aware of the signs a lady might give if there is one.

So, what should my next move be? I invited her over to my house up north for a demonstration of the house shaking home theater system, but she's not a movie person, more of an outdoors/see the sites type.

Any suggestions for the female inept?

Neil
post #2 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another F'ing Dating thread :)

Neil, if she is interested she will probably accept the invite to check out your "house shaking home theater system" regardless of how big of a movie person she is.
post #3 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another F'ing Dating thread :)

Quote:
I've been trying to gauge if there is any spark or interest there, as we do talk a bit when I go, as I do with all the other folk in the place.
"when I go" where? What place?

How did you meet this lady?

After she declined your invitation for breakfast, did you ask her to your house (up north) in the same conversation? Where is "up north"? 10 minutes away? A 3-day journey?

Neil, you are expressing yourself as if we were there with you, or we read minds.

In any case, unless there is a VERY strong indication of interest or you are the mother of all P-I-M-Ps, inviting a lady to your house as a "first date" is probably not a very good idea. Still, context is everything, and there are a few situations where it could work. My questions are an attempt to get a clearer picture.

In the end, it's gonna be difficult to get beyond the fact that she turned you down twice.

--
H
post #4 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another F'ing Dating thread :)

Give her your email and tell her to email you if she's ever up for anything. I agree with Holadem that if she hasn't accept by now, she might not be interested.

Here's a great article that I've been trying to follow:
http://personals.yahoo.com/us/static...nships_partner

Basically she says that you should make some lists and stick to that list. Her advice is great in the fact that MANY of us expect people to chance, but the harsh reality is, they won't and we shouldn't expect them to. That's why she says to make a list of "Must Haves" and "Must Nots" - and make sure to stick to that list.

Miss Perfect (for you) is going to be perfect from the start...The more you have to push her into being 'perfect', the more you'll be kidding yourself.
post #5 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another F'ing Dating thread :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Neil V

So, here's the latest situation. I'm not a bar guy. Never drank in my life, and hate cigar smoke, so when we first passed each other last weekend, she invited me to the local beach club to hang out. My instant reaction was no thanks, catch ya later. Of course not soon after, I Regreted it because it would have been a great chance to chat and get to know her more.

So, what should my next move be? I invited her over to my house up north for a demonstration of the house shaking home theater system, but she's not a movie person, more of an outdoors/see the sites type.

Any suggestions for the female inept?

Neil

Neil,

Seeing some of your posts here, you appear somewhat desperate and looking for love. My best piece of advice for you is that when a woman who you are into invites you out for an evening, take her up on the frickin offer.

Not being a bar guy or liking to go out late is no excuse. You have already experienced the alternative every weekend... sitting home alone without a girlfriend watching movies or TV. This is something you do once you have won the girl over, or married her not when you are looking to spark up a relationship.

Another piece of advice I will give you is that staying out late can only lead to good things. Though I am married now, in my single days I got "lucky" more often than not by just hanging around into the early hours. Leaving a party, outing, or bar early is sabotaging your chances at a lot of action.

J
post #6 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another F'ing Dating thread :)

what justin said. not a bar guy? who cares, be a bar guy for a night or two. won't kill you, might not be your scene, but you could end up LEAVING the bar if things go well. don't let the things you "don't normally do" get in the way of something you want.

CJ
post #7 of 167
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another F'ing Dating thread :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holadem
"when I go" where? What place?H

Re: Doctors Office Same answer as second question.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holadem
After she declined your invitation for breakfast, did you ask her to your house (up north) in the same conversation? Where is "up north"? 10 minutes away? A 3-day journey?

Didn't decline, so much as she told me that after last weekend their rent was up, so breakfast down there wasn't possible. Up North equals where we both live, about 2 hours from the shore.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Holadem
In any case, unless there is a VERY strong indication of interest or you are the mother of all P-I-M-Ps, inviting a lady to your house as a "first date" is probably not a very good idea. Still, context is everything, and there are a few situations where it could work. My questions are an attempt to get a clearer picture.

In this case, I asked if any of her friends are movie fans, Star Wars fans in particular, since I saw a bunch of these friends wallking back and forth from the house we thought she was in all summer. I told her if any of them where, they'd want to see it on our HT setup. After that, we got to discussing Steve Irwin somehow, and vacations before I decided it was a polite time to head out so they could get home.

As I look back, I probably shouldn't asked her over to the house, as it might have come off the wrong way... And no, I didn't s ay it in the suave/cartoony Johny Bravo way with an Elvis or Pimpy accent . But I am so socially inept with asking women to do something fun, that it just popped out.
post #8 of 167
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another F'ing Dating thread :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Justin Lane
Neil,

Seeing some of your posts here, you appear somewhat desperate and looking for love. My best piece of advice for you is that when a woman who you are into invites you out for an evening, take her up on the frickin offer.

Not being a bar guy or liking to go out late is no excuse. You have already experienced the alternative every weekend... sitting home alone without a girlfriend watching movies or TV. This is something you do once you have won the girl over, or married her not when you are looking to spark up a relationship.

Another piece of advice I will give you is that staying out late can only lead to good things. Though I am married now, in my single days I got "lucky" more often than not by just hanging around into the early hours. Leaving a party, outing, or bar early is sabotaging your chances at a lot of action.

J

Yeah, I know. It was just a reflex reaction that I am so used to doing, and I instantly berated myself afterwords.. My father overheard the conversation as he was sitting on the couch near the door and he knew I made a big blunder because he was shaking his head slowly.

Being not a part of the in crowd in highschool untill Senior year, it completly throws me off when someone actually does invite me somewhere, and I go into some kind of defense mode. I've got to find some way to turn that off...

Funny part is, the co-workers of hers are also berating me for not taking up her offer of a fun evening, so I can't help but wonder if they are trying to help me out with advice. Regarding my previous posts... I've gained a bit of confidence in this area in the last month or two. I've been generally happier latley, I chat up more people as I go out to the various stores and what not. But I'm still socially inept when it comes to ladies it seems .
post #9 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another F'ing Dating thread :)

Quote:
In this case, I asked if any of her friends are movie fans, Star Wars fans in particular, since I saw a bunch of these friends wallking back and forth from the house we thought she was in all summer. I told her if any of them where, they'd want to see it on our HT setup.

This is just amusing to read...because you saw a bunch of strangers walking in/out of her house you assumed they'd be Star Wars fans so you asked her to ask them if they wanted to watch it at your house???

Dude you REALLY need to get out more and stop going to Star Trek/Comic conventions...
post #10 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

We need to send Holadem to Neil's house, MTV Made style, so he can start big peempin at Otacon 2007.

Next time someone invites you to do anything social Neil just do it. Better to do it now while you're young than have regrets when you're 60. You don't necessarily have to hook up with the person who invited you; maybe she was just trying to get you out & about.

And no matter what, you got to strut *_*
post #11 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Man, if you lived in the same city as me, I'd take you to a hot club downtown for a night of drunken debauchery just to drop-kick you out of your rut.

It may sound corny, but go check out www.sosuave.com and its forums. For more lighthearted reading, check out www.TuckerMax.com . Yeah he's a total drunken d!ckhead, but he oozes confidence and his stories are humorous and well written.

Go watch Swingers (pay particular attention to Vince Vaughn), and the first half of Hitch before Will Smith falls in love with the girl.

And, uh, refrain from speaking to ANY attractive girl about (at the start at least, you can gently ease into some of these topics after gauging her interests):
- Action Figures
- Video Games
- Any sci-fi fantasy movie collection (LOTR, SW, ST, etc)
- Comics
- Ninja Turtles
- Anime
- Anything you might talk about on this forum here.

If you're unsure what to talk about, ask HER questions and feed off her answers.

Hey BTW, I just noticed that that was your 3,000th post!
post #12 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Lord knows I'm no expert, but I've learned there's a night and day difference when a woman is interested versus being polite. In the case of the latter, it doesn't take much persuasion for her to want to get together. So yeah, if she'd been interested she would have agreed to anything you suggested (well, unless of course she has the same defense mechanism as you ). I'm not the person to talk to about whether it's a lost cause - I tend to gravitate to those .
post #13 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

When was the last time you got some?
post #14 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

I know the general advice here is to be the bar guy for a few nights, don't do it. The if the woman is right for you, you shouldn't have to change. I'm not a bar guy but I tried it a few years ago only one word can describe that experience, miserable. Music was too loud, smoke, other guys trying to pick up the girl you're with, I wasn't on a date just a female friend but still it was rude. After trying the bar scene I knew it wasn't for me, I sit here today typing and planning a wedding in 10 months. It's very cliche but the right girl is out there, one that won't have you bar hopping, likes movies and quiet evenings in. I swear I found the female version of me, she is out there for you.
post #15 of 167
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scott L
Next time someone invites you to do anything social Neil just do it. Better to do it now while you're young than have regrets when you're 60. You don't necessarily have to hook up with the person who invited you; maybe she was just trying to get you out & about.


Yep, agreed. And I'm looking to expand my friend base as well now, not just looking for dates, so that would have been a good idea.
post #16 of 167
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chu Gai
When was the last time you got some?


Re, Never . Don't even know how to kiss a girl right. Seeing it and actually doing it first time are two different things .


Quote:
Originally Posted by Jassen M. West
I know the general advice here is to be the bar guy for a few nights, don't do it. The if the woman is right for you, you shouldn't have to change. I'm not a bar guy but I tried it a few years ago only one word can describe that experience, miserable. Music was too loud, smoke, other guys trying to pick up the girl you're with, I wasn't on a date just a female friend but still it was rude.

Guys trying to pick up someone your with is a concern, but if you're with the right lady, and having a good time, that s hould only be a minor annoyance. The smoke is my major concern, as I can't stand even a whiff of it, but my co-workers told me that smoking was band in even bars in NJ at the start of the year. What I'm hoping she can show me, even if we just go out somewhere as friends, is that you can have a good time at a bar even if you don't drink. As one of her co-workers told me later in the examination room, I could have boogie danced to the band with her since I don't drink, wich is why I got the impression they where dissapointed in me when they heard the story. and rightfully so .
post #17 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

You seem to have a pattern here. You always decline doing some thing because you are not interested, yet make offers to get together with a girl around things she is probably not interested in. What makes you think they should say yes to you when you go on and on about why you say no?

Open your mind, stop assuming you are going to have a bad time, and step outside of your comfort zone a couple of times, then determine if you had a good time or not. I'm guessing a lot of these women are picking up on your "negative karma" about what you don't like, which scares them away from accepting your counter offers.
post #18 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scott L
We need to send Holadem to Neil's house, MTV Made style, so he can start big peempin at Otacon 2007.
Umm... yeah. Sure. Warning: Spoiler! (Click to show)
The last girl I hit on (houseparty weekend before) 1- danced with everyone except me (she evidently likes me, is intimidated, I told her, she acknowledged it) 2- would then lavish me with compliment with every other word that came out of her mouth (you are soo tall do you workout you are not just big you have this presence whoa you have freckles that is soooo cute blah fucking blah). Would she give up the digits at the end of the evening? Nope. Go figure . But perhaps I did dodge a bullet, a woman who feels the need to point out her high IQ at a party is probably not good news... insecure == drama (she was soo hot though, damn!). The one whose number I did get that evening is "very busy lately can't hang out right now, maybe when things calm down at work" . Fuck you I am done, I don't call more than once. What is it that makes some (many!) women decide between the moment they give you their number and the phone call that you're not such a good idea after all? On top of that, the ex tells me a couple of days ago she's been in a "serious relationship" since two months after we broke up. Can you believe that shit? Two miserable months?! . Yes, I did see othe rpeople as well, but sure as well wasn't in no "serious relationship" two fucking months after we broke up. So yeah, my self-esteem has seen better days. Neil, do you have some ice cream? Perhaps we can commiserate together and watch Star Wars (I do prefer LOTR. I prefer booze too while we're at it). Fuck women. We don't need'em. (thank god for back ups, but still)

Ahem. Sorry, I had a lot on my chest .


You wanna talk to Lew instead.

--
H
post #19 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holadem

You wanna talk to Lew instead.

--
H

Instead, additionally, first, last ... Simplest advice is to always talk to Lew.
post #20 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Basically she says that you should make some lists and stick to that list. Her advice is great in the fact that MANY of us expect people to chance, but the harsh reality is, they won't and we shouldn't expect them to. That's why she says to make a list of "Must Haves" and "Must Nots" - and make sure to stick to that list.

Lists are never a good idea IMO. It puts to much emphasis on initial perfection and I'll guarentee your dream girl will walk right by you because of the misleading need of short term compatibility.

Lists accomplish nothing except raise everyone's expectations of each other to the point we should all look and act a certain way. Good luck in meeting your quota...errr....girl
post #21 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Lists are never a good idea IMO. It puts to much emphasis on initial perfection and I'll guarentee your dream girl will walk right by you because of the misleading need of short term compatibility.
But did you read the article. It doesn't emphasize perfection. The lists narrow down what you AREN'T looking for in a woman. Most people tend to ignore the "bad" aspects in favor of just wanting to be with someone and while it may turn out ok, a lot of times it doesn't end up working out because those 'bad' aspects come back to bite you in the ass.
post #22 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Great advice all in all. Sounds like most everyone is telling you to pull a "George" and do the "opposite" of what you'd normally do.

Try it out. See where it takes you.
post #23 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Can I come to the ice cream party, Holadem?
post #24 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Ask Neil, it's his pad.

--
H
post #25 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Regardless of the kind comments by Jeff and Holadem, I'm not sure that any advice that I (or anyone) can give will be truly helpful. For example I'd never turn down an invitation by a women to do anything. True enough I might hate the evening (or her) but I figure that one bad evening out is only one out of many--and if she turns out to be uninteresting, I might meet others (guys or girls) who are interesting. But that won't help you very much if you have predetermined that you won't enjoy the night out (and by the way, you can spend a whole night in a bar or nightclub without drinking alcohol).

Personally I think that you are making up reasons (or excuses) to not ask her (or others) out (and yes I did note your two attempts--but really a breakfast or a HT demo, as opposed to hitting a hot spot). Why worry about a boyfriend? If she has one and you ask her out on a date (or just a casual meeting) she can say, "Sorry but I have a boyfriend". It is not up to you to first determine her availability. Not only that she might have a boyfriend, but turn out to like you better. It happens all the time.

My real advice is this: expand your interests. On this forum, your interests are in the mainstream. After all, we are all interested in movies and electronic gear and computers--but all of these are hardly mainstream. If you want to widen your pool of available women, become more interested in more things. And I don't mean to fake interest (although that might be worth doing to see if you like something new) but to expand your own.

I know an unmarried woman who is a PhD with a great job, great personality and is also a Trekkie (and goes on vacation to New Zealand to visit the LOTR filming sites). So you might find someone like her, who already shares at least some of your interests.

However, another unmarried woman friend with a PhD cares so little about video and audio that she has a 17" TV and a VCR that she does not know how to work. She would go to the movies, but an invitation to see a HT demonstration would bring forth a yawn as large as the Grand Canyon.

Her hobby is knitting. Now that might sound very boring, but to listen to her talk about the various patterns, types of wool and so forth is fascinating. Plus she has traveled all over the world to places where knitting is a big thing and met with the local experts in order to learn from them.

Anyone who could not spend several hours in the company of a pretty, charming woman (like this) listening to things that interest her, needs (IMO) a different outlook on life.

In the end, if you don't like bars, don't go. Go to a church and attend their social functions instead. If you don't like church, join a bowling league. If you don't like bowling, take up bridge--or do almost anything that is social.

Try some things that are not dominated by male geeks (though there are plenty of female geeks as well--just not so many).

Remember that numbers are on your side. There are more unattached women than men.
post #26 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
In the end, if you don't like bars, don't go. Go to a church and attend their social functions instead. If you don't like church, join a bowling league. If you don't like bowling, take up bridge--or do almost anything that is social.
Very good advice. That's basically the gist of the article. Don't force yourself into being something you're not - It goes back to the whole deal that nice men always say: "Why do bad guys get so many women?"

The problem with that is, us "nice" guys couldn't maintain or handle the type of woman a "bad" guy attracts, so why pretend to be a 'bad' guy? If you're looking to just 'play the field', then fine, be something you're not, but if you're looking for something long term - don't ignore who you are!

I would suspect that the biggest issue with people, who break up after less than a year, would be the fact that they pretended to be someone else and (in due time) their 'real' personality came out and the other person became less and less attracted (physically and emotionally) to this 'changed' person.

How many times have we said (about our ex's): "She changed!"???

But as far as those who are saying to "loosen" up a bit more. That's always good advice...force yourself to get out more, but again, don't force yourself into doing something that you really don't like.

Women, who don't like bars, don't really GO to bars - so if you don't like bars, why are you looking for a woman in a bar???
post #27 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
I know an unmarried woman who is a PhD with a great job, great personality and is also a Trekkie (and goes on vacation to New Zealand to visit the LOTR filming sites).
Lew, you realize you'll be getting swamped with PM messages asking for details of this supposed "perfect woman".

Don't worry about your experience level Neil. I know it's easy to say and sometimes hard to do, but be yourself. Expand your interests and take some chances for sure, but any woman interested in you will be interested in what you already are.

Also, it nevers hurts to know women who are simply friends. Those friends have other friends...
post #28 of 167
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lew Crippen

Personally I think that you are making up reasons (or excuses) to not ask her (or others) out (and yes I did note your two attempts--but really a breakfast or a HT demo, as opposed to hitting a hot spot). Why worry about a boyfriend? If she has one and you ask her out on a date (or just a casual meeting) she can say, "Sorry but I have a boyfriend". It is not up to you to first determine her availability. Not only that she might have a boyfriend, but turn out to like you better. It happens all the time.

I was thinking about that, and figured it was still worth a shot asking her in person. Email can be easilly rejected. But after I bombed yesterday with awkwardness, I used the email she gave me earlier to apologise for my awkwardness and said it with more articulation/less nerves through the net... Since she's usually only there on Tuesday, I dropped her my cell # as well if she still wanted to take me up on my offer for a night of food after work .

I asked her to a local hotspot and said if she knew any good, smoke free places to try, be sure to suggest 'em .


>>>
I know an unmarried woman who is a PhD with a great job, great personality and is also a Trekkie (and goes on vacation to New Zealand to visit the LOTR filming sites). So you might find someone like her, who already shares at least some of your interests.
>>>>

heh, now that sounds like someone more my style. I go to the occasional convention, once a year usually, to expand my autograph collection, but I don't think I would go so far as to travel to film locations . Sounds like fun, though if it's in a tourist hotspot.


>>>>
However, another unmarried woman friend with a PhD cares so little about video and audio that she has a 17" TV and a VCR that she does not know how to work. She would go to the movies, but an invitation to see a HT demonstration would bring forth a yawn as large as the Grand Canyon.
>>>>>

This is the kind of woman that would drive me nuts after a while. After dealing for a long time with my techno phobe parents always calling me down 5 times a day to work something for them, I wouldn't last long in that relationship no matter how cute and great she is . The woman I marry is going to have to have at least a passing interest in technology, or is at least able to figure out everything on her own in a couple of days or else it won't work out .


>>>
Anyone who could not spend several hours in the company of a pretty, charming woman (like this) listening to things that interest her, needs (IMO) a different outlook on life.
>>>

That's why I think that even as a friend, someone like this lady I'm interested in would be a good influence on me. I'm always turning down invitations to go places from family, if only because I spend enough time with them, that I'd love the company of a cute woman to change that habit.

>>>
Try some things that are not dominated by male geeks (though there are plenty of female geeks as well--just not so many).
>>>>

Heh, I'd love a woman with an IQ equal to Einstein in technology, but i doubt I'd get that lucky .

>>>
Remember that numbers are on your side. There are more unattached women than men.
>>>>


I'm seriously thinking of attending this RYLA thing my sister goes to every year that's a fund raiser of sorts for the camp + a weekend getaway for counselors Plenty of cute women are going to be there, so who knows... Not exactly an outdoor time though, as it'll be in late October in Penssylvania..
post #29 of 167

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Neil, were you joking or serious when you said you've never kissed a girl or anything else?
post #30 of 167
Thread Starter 

Re: Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chu Gai
Neil, were you joking or serious when you said you've never kissed a girl or anything else?


Nope, not joking a bit. 28 years without even a kiss on the cheek, let alone mouth to mouth, with a woman. I've just never had the guts, or the opportunity. Another whole part of growing up I didn't take part in due to nervousness and probably a bit of insecurity, as I'm not Suave and Smooth with women. But I was always fine talking to women in highschool casually. Just never got beyond that with anyone.

Picture a younger, fatter, more or less dumber version of Doc Brown and his reaction to Steenburgen in part 3, after spending all his life around technology . Stumbling on words, bumping into things, tripping over your own two feet, that's usually the first impression I give .
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: After Hours Lounge
This thread is locked  
Home Theater Forum › Home Theater Forum › Other Diversions › After Hours Lounge › Dating 101 - Yet another Dating thread