You have to appreciate the little things I life. Like the fact that after a confusing night with three Davids and two Jasons, it was nice that all the girls had different names tonight. Being tired and all, there will be no ratings and no other frills other than pictures. Lots and lots of pictures.
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Kristy Lee Cook – There were so many things wrong with this performance, I don’t even know where to begin. I’m going to try to break this down in somewhat chronological order, because I have to collect my thoughts to describe what a train wreck this was. First, she picked a terrible song in
Rescue Me. If you ever get to this point in the competition, please make sure that if the same exact set of lyrics is repeated more than three or four times, scratch it from your list. It was like the same tortuous 10 second loop was sung ad nauseum, and at one point, I just begged out loud for Kristy to stop, because I could not believe it wasn’t over yet. Okay, went too far in the timeline – let’s go back to the beginning. From the first note, it was obvious that Kristy’s nasally, thin, and drippy voice was going to be a chore to listen to. Then she started wavering in and out of key. Then she started with the
poop stance, which is when singers who don’t have good control of their diaphragms crouch down and clench their buttocks like they’re taking a crap in order to get a little extra oomph. Kristy also had these stiff, fembot dance moves that were awkward to watch. And then she busts out some
crazy eyes followed by
crazy face. For all the face time and pimping the producers gave her, she sure did sound like cannon fodder tonight. And something about the lighting and her deep sunken eye sockets made it look like her eyeballs had fallen out during the judging. It reminded me of a
barn owl or something.
Joanne Borgella – I thought this at her audition and I still think that at times she sounds like Dolly Parton, what with the cooing vibrato and sight lisp. Joanne wasn’t all that tonight, having problems hitting notes in her lower register and veering off key somewhere in the middle of the song. The other thing about Joanne is that she kind of just stands there, occasionally swaying absentmindedly but not really doing much performance wise. Well, she does do that furrowed brow face where her forehead gets these folds and she ends up
looking like a Klingon. No separated at birth for this – I think I’ve done three Klingon SAB’s in the past two seasons.
Alaina Whitaker – I really can’t believe she only
just turned 16. Why? Is it because of her poise on stage? Her mature vocals? No, it’s none of those things – it’s because
she looks freakin’ 25 years old. Her vocals, by the way, have a long way to go, as Alaina sings mostly in her throat, and as a result she has no power and it sounds a bit yelly. My wife gushed over her outfit until she put down the mic, and I pointed out that the right side of her top was some sort of
ribbed cotton instead of the yellow silk print that she liked so much. My wife said it looked like she was wearing a yellow wife-beater under the blouse and revised her opinion to a thumbs down.
Amanda Overmyer – I really can’t believe she’s
only 25. Why? Okay, I’ll just say it –
she looks freakin’ 43. Man, she may be 25, but there are a
lot of miles on those tires. My wife was really taken by her
fierce stage presence, and while I agree with her somewhat, the whole performance was overshadowed by the off key, off rhythm scatting to the guitar riff followed by the drunkest Idol performance I’ve seen this side of Paula Abdul. It was incomprehensible and mush mouthed and not so much singing as it was dry heaving set to music. I can imagine Amanda backstage before the show, shaking with nerves and running into Paula who says, “I’ve got just the thing to make your colors and life show – here” and hands her two horse tranquilizer pills. Of course, Amanda is a registered nurse, so perhaps she doesn’t need Paula to get her hands on horse tranquilizers.
Amy Davis – I must say I just did
not understand what the hell she was thinking with her hair the way it was – it looked like someone (maybe Amanda?)
gave her a swirly in the backstage bathroom and she didn’t have time to fix it. Of course, her hair was the least of her troubles tonight, as Amy gave an Antonella Barba-esque performance, the kind where Amy was either flat or sharp and nowhere in between. It wasn’t so much off key as it was in a different key or keys altogether. I lost count of the times I winced, and it was as bad if not worse than most of the joke auditions. I smell the acrid stench of cannon fodder. And do I hear the phone ringing? Yes,
Vote For The Worst is calling, and it’s for you, Amy.
Brooke White – I gotta say that I’ve liked what I’ve heard from Brooke throughout the auditions and Hollywood week, and tonight was no exception. She was the first singer to not go off key, and while she’s not going to blow the doors off like most female Idol contestants, I dig the timbre and texture of her voice. The goody-two shoes cutesy pie thing is already getting a bit tired, but this was the first thumbs up performance of the night for me.
Alexandrea Lushington – When I heard her name for the first time, I started laughing at the absurd amount of syllables and started saying it with an English Butler’s voice. Her performance started of solid if not unspectacular, but she started going off key in the middle and I kind of lost interest by the end. The whole Salt ‘N’ Pepa/TLC bending over and shoulder shrugging thing didn’t work for me.
Kady Malloy –
A Groovy Kind of Love is the kind of drippy, plodding amoeba of a song that someone can just kind of wander into like a fog and get completely lost. This is exactly what Kady did, and the shocking part was this – during a night where Simon appeared to be the sole voice of reason, I agreed with Randy’s assessment that she was clenched too tightly and held back. Then I
agreed with Paula that she didn’t show any personality. Wow. I really wrote that. Then Simon came in and compared her to a pencil, an insult at once so dead-on and yet so cutting that it prompted Kady to give Simon a
gaze of death that
almost bumped
Katherine McPhee's from the top spot (no dice – that was a gorgon stare nonpareil). Paula tried to console her with inchoate inanities, but apparently, Simon’s not the only one who
rolls his eyes at Paula’s ramblings.
Asia’h Epperson – Since the auditions, I’ve never liked the way that Asia’h’s voice cuts out like bad cell phone reception. She does it constantly when she talks, and she does it constantly when she sings. But she didn’t do it much tonight, pretty much bringing it to
Piece of My Heart (the Joplin version, not the incredibly shitty, soulless Faith Hill stinkeroo of an embarrassment version). One of three singers who didn’t have pitch problems, Asia’h brought personality and energy to her performance as well. Unfortunately, someone on the makeup staff really hates her – that’s the only thing that can explain the
bizarro clown makeup she was sporting in the pre-song interview. When they switch shifts, Asia’h makes out
much better.
Ramiele Malubay – I was expecting a lot from her tonight, and while she was good, she reminded me of David Archuleta in that I was expecting more than was delivered and the song seemed to be building to a big finish that never really happened. I will give her this – all the other girls (and pretty much all the boys) who tried slower songs got a whole lot of misery for their troubles, so kudos to her for being the only one to really pull it off. But… everyone should ask themselves, if you’re going to sing in front of 30+ million people, do you really want to be wearing
camel-toe jeans? C’mon stylists – what the hell were you thinking?
Syesha Mercardo – First off, I hate that
Tobacco Road song. I just bugs me. So when Syesha came out belting unevenly and jumping early on her notes, things just started getting worse. I was disappointed by her shouty, unfocused rendition, and while it was big, it was pointless.
Carly Smithson – Another shouty and pointless performance, this one was really boring to boot. At one point, she was just belting one note after the other at the top of her lungs, and it sounded like an air-raid siren. All I gotta ask is, “
What’s up, doc?” Maybe she and Robbie can get a group orthodonture rate. This is the ringer? For Randy to say that this is the strongest group of girls ever is loopy if you consider in season 3, they had Fantasia, LaToya London, Jennifer Hudson, Jamine Trias, and Diana DeGarmo. I’d put that group against this one any day.
