They may
claim that this is the most talented group of Idol contestants, and if by “talented” you mean, “can carry a tune”, then yes, I suppose they are. But this is a group by and large lacking charisma, and while they may be able to carry a tune, they sure as hell don’t carry my interest. On the other hand, if by “talented” you mean, “gay”, then yes, this is the queeniest group of guys on Idol from any season (even if you count Clay five times in Season 2).
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Lots of cannon fodder on display tonight. To explain – in order to milk ratings and number of episodes in a season, the producers have this Top 24 that the public winnows to a Top 12. But the producers tend to pimp certain contestants, and to ensure their Top 12 is close to the public’s Top 12, they stock the contestants with also rans who have no shot of winning much less making the Top 12. The cannon fodder score (CF) is based on a scale from 1 to 5, with 1 being no shot to make it to the Top 12 and 5 being a lock. Thus Colton Berry would be a 1 while Michael Jonhs is a 5. Now, I know that these names mean nothing to you right now, so I have added pictures again to jog your memory.
Making its debut this year is the Gaydar Quotient (GQ) that runs from 1 to 5, with 1 being Definitely Not Gay to 5 being Danny Noriega. Again, the names mean nothing now, but it will all make sense at some point.
David Hernandez – One positive note about David coming out of Hollywood and something he displayed a bit tonight is his vocal agility and range. He has a great technical command of his voice, but the problem is that he doesn’t have an impressive tone to go with it. The bad note at the end didn’t help, nor did the almost total lack of charisma. I didn’t get
the shirt – it looked like he fell into a pile of manure just before the show started and didn’t have time to change so he just cleaned it off as best he could with some club soda. David has “cannon fodder” written all over his face.
CF 1.5
GQ 3.5
Chikezie – It seems that every year the producers have 2 or 3 black guys who mostly try to be the next Usher and never make it past the top 10. This year, there’s only one black guy, and I don’t know who he’s trying to be, but whatever he’s doing isn’t working (although I do know one person he not trying to be
but so is). One of the common strategies on Idol is to start a song off in a lower register to be in the sweet spot of their vocal range when the big notes kick in. When Chikezie started low, I just assumed that this is what he was doing. Yet, the song never really built to anything, never went anywhere, and it sounded flat and off-key throughout. And just when you thought being off-key, low energy, and old fashioned was enough of a kiss if death, Chikezie talks back to Simon. Don’t do it. Don’t ever do it. And especially don’t do it if you don’t have any game and sound more petulant than witty.
CF 1.5
GQ 2
David Cook – David is a cross between Gina Glocksen and Chris Daughtry in that, like Gina, he has this punk/indy rocker attitude but actually likes to sing cheesy mush (What’d he do in Hollywood week – Bryan Adams? I rest my case). If I’m not mistaken, they
did invent rock ‘n’ roll in the 60’s, but David picks a Turtles song like a true Glocksen-esque “rocker” would. They also share a pot belly. The Chris Daughtry part? He sings like a goat a lot. Note to David: Bleating is
not vibrato. The funniest part about David is his… I don’t know what to call it – like, when a bald guy combs his remaining hair from one side to the other they call it a comb over. So what do you call it when a guy combs his hair from the top of his head down to conceal his baldness?
A comb down? What ever it’s called, that’s David’s hairstyle. I imagine if he slicked his hair back he’d look like a
Kabuki actor. Oh, and Annie Hall called. She wants
her outfit back.
CF 4.5
GQ 1.5
Jason Yeager – Sooo old-fashioned, I felt like I was watching a kinescope of some Andy Williams Christmas special from 1952. The most uneventful, drippy, forgetful performances on Idol,
ever. Didn’t even finish with a big note. Maybe your grandma found it entertaining, but anyone who knows what cell phone is sat with their eyes glazed over throughout. Speaking of which, I guess the litmus test of whether or not someone has charisma is: If you sing a song based on what your grandma liked and no one cares, then you don’t have charisma. Also, too many
goofy cabaret faces and head nodding for my tastes.
CF 1.5
GQ 4 (I know he has a kid but… where’s mommy?)
Robbie Carrico – If you thought David Cook was a phony rocker, get a load of Robbie. A failed Boy Band member, Robbie got the Ronco Rocker Kit, complete with a trimmer attachment for instant scruff, hair extensions, and a collection of stupid looking hats and bandanas. Because he ordered within the hour, Robbie also received that chain that connects your pants to your wallet. What is up with that thing? I see people wearing it, but I don’t get it. If you’re badass, does it increase the chance of people trying to take your wallet? Anyway, Robbie “rocks out”, which in his case means he strains his weak voice on purpose and then yells a lyric here and there while making sex faces. I have never seen such a sucky singer be so self-satisfied with his performance. I don’t see Robbie winning this competition, but I do see a trip to the
orthodontist in his future.
CF 4
GQ 3 (he
was in a boy band)
David Archuleta – I actually do think he’s really good, but his voice sounded more washed out tonight than it did in Hollywood. It lacked the richer tone he displayed last week, and although it was a good performance, it seemed to be building to something bigger than we got (he even hesitated before the last notes). The annoying thing about David is that he sounds like he crying and out of breath when he talks, and just seems a bit full of himself in the way he responds to compliments with a nod that says, “Yes, I know”. He also has to get that
giggle-talking thing under control. The end of his segment with Ryan was an incomprehensible collection of hiccups, word fragments, and giggles.
CF 5
GQ 3.5
Danny Noriega – Such a weird song choice. Much like you shouldn’t pick a song because your grandma liked it, you shouldn’t pick a song because it’s “fun”, especially if a) your forte are big power ballads, and b) you have no rhythm. The second snare tap that comes after the first two chords in Jailhouse Rock comes in on the upbeat, and that just threw Danny off. He sounded like he was rushing throughout the song and the band furiously tried to keep up with him. He yelled most of the song and didn’t really sound on key, and there was a stretch of the song where I didn’t understand a single word he was singing. The whole performance was reminiscent of Sanjaya’s rendition of You Really Got Me, and it makes him the shoo-in candidate for
Vote For The Worst. Danny also doesn’t know what the word “grotesque” means other than “it’s bad”.
CF 2
GQ 5
Luke Menard – Barely audible, Luke kind of just stood there, meekly singing into the mic stand. His Orlando Bloom/Patrick Dempsey looks may keep him around a bit longer, but as forgettable performances go, this was up there.
Luke’s reaction to Simon’s, “No one’s ever going to admit to being forgettable” comment was one of the more uncomfortable moments in Idol history, a mixture of crushing disappointment, violent anger, and quiet resignation. He was too broken to even mug and pimp his phone number to the audience. Simon reacted by
turning into Alfred Hitchock. Yeah, I don’t know what that means either.
CF 2.5
GQ 1.5
Colton Berry – Hey, at least he bumped that nerd from the Top 24. A pretty average rendition (of what, I don’t actually remember). Nothing much to say, really. No, really, I got nothing. Uh… here’s
his picture.
CF 1
GQ 4.5
Garret Haley – Garret doesn’t look a thing like Leif Garret in that in his heyday, Leif looked like a slightly chubby pubescent girl while Garret looks like a middle aged woman, complete with
wispy upper lip hair. It was a snoozy performance that seemed to leave Garret as bored and uninterested as the audience. If/When they do a 70’s night, Garret’s preternaturally high voice makes him perfect for covering the Nick Gilder classic,
Hot Child in the City. That is, of course, if 70’s night falls within the next two weeks. Otherwise, forget it. Knowhutimean?
CF 2
GQ 2
Jason Castro – Going into the break, they mentioned that Jason would be performing with an instrument. Ooooh – my wife and I started guessing: Accordion? Trombone? Jew’s Harp? Kazoo? Bongos? Turns out it was … a guitar. What a let down. Even so, I think this was easily the best performance of the night. For one thing, it was a change of pace from the other singers who all seemed to be trying too hard to sing out (well, except for Garret who seemed like he wasn’t trying enough). For another, it was the only song choice I liked the entire evening. There weren’t any vocal pyrotechnics, but it was entertaining and I’ll even give a pass to the “white guy with dreads” look. Jason was so overwhelmed by Simon’s praise that he could barely
contain himself. Either that or he just took a bong hit and wanted to hold it in as long as possible. Look, you grow the dreads, you become the butt of ganja jokes. Thems the rules.
CF 3.5
GQ 1.5
Michael Johns – I really don’t know why Randy called his performance original considering it
wasn’t. It had a mimcky, gimmicky, karaoke vibe to it – not so much Johns imitating Morrison, but more like Johns imitating Val Kilmer
imitating Morrison. He must have watched
The Doors like, a hundred times. Like, if they ever made a Doors musical in the style of Beatlemania, Johns would get a call back, but his voice is too scratchy to get the lead. My wife loves this guy, but… I dunno… I get a douchebag vibe from him. I can’t put my finger on it, but maybe it’s poses like
this or
this. At this point I’ll probably have many weeks to figure it out. Unfortunately.
