It takes a theme night like “The Year You Were Born” to really bring home the fact that I am old. Most of the contestants were born when I was in
college, and Archuleta was born
after I graduated (well, actually, the year before I
should have graduated – but I did double major! English and Psych! And I now work in IT! So it was
totally worth it!)
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I am dropping the last names tonight from the summaries, as it saves me some typing. I had to keep them to separate the two David’s, but it isn’t really necessary come to think of it, since there’s really nothing else in common between the two. Eh, maybe next week.
Ramiele – Both Carly and Kady did Heart songs in the semis, but neither of them did
Alone like Ramiele did. I was sort of torn about the performance – on one hand, it was pitchy as all hell. On the other, at least she actually belted some notes (although one or two were egregiously off key). I am officially giving up on Ramiele tonight, as I don’t think she will ever get her shit together. She is also unable to dress herself (or at least object to the stylist who picks out these hideous ensembles). Tonight’s
fashion disaster was a gray off the shoulder top a la
Flashdance with mismatched brown cargo shorts. Well, at least her gray bra strap matched her top (
sooo classy.
Sooo… Britney). The boots were kinda smokin’, though. The only rival to Ramiele’s “what the hell are you wearing???” fashion sense is
good ol’ Paula, what with the asymmetrical metallic top and the
Breakfast At Tiffany’s gloves and jewelry look, except that the gloves are leather and the fingers are cut off. That’s right, she cut the fingers off of those gloves like she was a biker or something. I swear I have never seen that kind of handwear before. Ever. I assume it makes it easier for her to unscrew her hip flask during the commercial breaks. I am guessing that Paula dresses with her eyes closed.
Jason – This marks the second week in a row with a coffeehouse-style performance. Jason brought nothing to
Fragile instrumentally or vocally. It just sort of happened, and the only noticeable thing was the Spanish lyrics at the end (which, by the way, isn’t all that original as Sting had already recorded the song in Spanish years ago) and the requisite
screwy faces (he looks like a cross between Robert DeNiro and Curly from the Three stooges). I understand where Simon is coming from about Jason being the slacker contestant – it’s like he doesn’t practice enough to really shine on stage, and there is definitely an unrehearsed quality about him. But maybe that’s just his personality – he speaks so haltingly and slowly, it sort of sounds like he’s recovering from a stroke. I would think the first talk show he should go on is The View, so
he and Whoopi can exchange hair care tips. After a week’s absence,
on-stage bong hits are back. And you wonder why he a slacker?
Syesha – I haven’t dug this chick since Hollywood week (her rendition of Freedom, even with laryngitis, was totally badass). In fact, she’s been a screechy disaster since the competition began. I thought last week’s extra cleavagey version of
Yesterday fell flat (unlike… wait for it… wait for it…
her boobies), but she has at least partially redeemed herself tonight with a smokin’ hot rendition of
If I Were Your Woman. The first half of the song was spot on, with beautiful falsettos and some soaring notes that gave my wife goosebumps (this being the arbiter of awesome singing in our house). Syesha did get
a bit shrill at the end, but for once, her self-satisfied reaction to finishing the song was actually deserved.
Chikezie –
If Only For One Night was masterfully sung, with great tone, impeccable falsetto, and some really tasty runs. It was also crazy boring. I partly blame it on the song (it didn’t seem like there was a hook or a melody to be found), but I also think that Chikezie needs to do higher energy stuff like he did the last two weeks. When he starts with the Luther Vandross stuff that he likes so much, he apes too much of the stylings, and it does, as Simon says, come out old fashioned. Chikezie’s face was so shiny in his childhood picture that it looked like he rubbed Vaseline on his face. He could have led a team of reindeer through a Christmas Eve blizzard. It was like he had his face buffed and polished. You know what it reminded me of? The
Shroud of Turin.
Brooke – The single most evocative element in
Every Breath You Take is the relentlessly throbbing base line. Without it, the song loses it stalkerish quality, and Brooke did no favors by going way off key on one of the big notes, singing, “I keep crying baby, baby PLEEE… scoop to the right note… EEE… I’m almost there… EEASE.” Nope, didn’t get there. Otherwise, it was okay, but nothing special. I was hoping they would show her
sasquatch feet again, but no such luck. Brooke is so “intuitive” when she plays songs that she had a misstep with the first note.
The very first one. I am surprised that Brooke was born in 1985. She looks as old as Michael Johns, if not older. Brooke’s biggest weakness is her demeanor during the judges’ critique. She constantly makes these really
annoying faces where she purses her lips and scrunches up her chin. Apparently, she got the message that her blathering on at the judges last week was a turn off, as it appeared she was biting her tongue to keep from saying more than a few words.
Michael – You wouldn’t think that with his gravely voice and small vocal range that Johns could pull off a Queen song. And yet, he was able to create self-described “magic” with
Bohemian Rhapsody in Hollywood, and he was also able to pull off the mini-medley of
We Will Rock You and
We Are the Champions tonight. Actually, he acquitted himself well, especially with the second song, delivering a nice, throaty tone and staying on key throughout. But what was up with the camera work tonight? I know they had intense stage lighting, but you’d think that they would have used dress rehearsal to keep the lights from
blaring into the camera in the middle of the song. I felt like I was being blinded by high beams.
Carly – Wow. As bad as Ramiele’s outfits are, they are not, at least, unflattering. And yet, the week after her horrific red poly rose-collared disaster, Carly pulls out a misshapen
black dress that was weirdly form fitting and bunchy at the same time. While vertical stripes can be slimming, reflective metallic stripes that accentuate every bulge and lump are hideously unflattering. It was the least shrill of all her performances, but she
seems to be mad at the notes she hits or something, like she wants to punish the song, and the constant stream of fugly faces (including a bout of crazy eyes and
horse face) are just uncomfortable to watch. She claimed that she went to the bathroom before the performance, but I appeared to me she
took a massively big dump onstage anyway. Maybe that’s why the last note was so godawful
shitty, so to speak. Here’s an alternate
horse face.
David Archuleta – I don’t really remember the name of the song he sung, and I don’t remember how it goes. Like Chikezie, he picked a song that lacked a hook or interesting melody, and on top of that, he sang it shittily, uncharacteristically missing notes here and there and not really feeling the song at all. Perhaps he spent too much effort not licking his lips (a first) than singing the song. I assume Simon’s comment about “I’d be amazed if you chose the song yourself” was in reference to David’s over-zealous stage dad, the one who looks like Danny Bonaduce and apparently shares his temper. Archuleta senior was reportedly kicked off the set of Star Search years ago and has made little Davey cry during rehearsals this season. One wonders if the inexplicable “paralyzed vocal chords” were really a psychosomatic reaction to an overbearing dad/manager. There was something about the print on
David’s shirt that made me think he was wearing a fanny pack on stage. But if anyone is going to wear a fanny pack on stage, it’s got to be Ramiele. Fanny pack and hooker heels.
Kristy Lee – I guess her regular lip waxer is stuck in Oregon and she doesn’t want the AI makeup crew to mess with it. Or maybe she’s taking testosterone to give her the edge when she goes back to cage fighting. Whatever it is, sister
got a ‘stache going. Kristy sang
God Bless the USA. The fact that Kristy sang it in desperation after multiple consecutive weeks in the bottom three is a bit of shameless pandering (at least Syesha’s boobs didn’t call out Carly and Michael Johns for not being American). Kristy did her
sleep singing again, but it’s okay as I was barely listening. I believe she hit a few bad notes, but that’s par for the course when you’re performing and napping
at the same time.
David Cook – Gee, let me guess – take a pop song, slow down the tempo and remove the melody, add power chords, sprinkle it with pretentious growling and shouty upper notes? What? No power chords tonight? It’s
still the same freakin’ shit he’s been doing the entire time on AI (this time with
Billie Jean), and I call bullshit on the judges for not seeing through the shtick. Am I the only one who’s grown tired of the routine? I mean, props for that one long note (and no talk box), but I’ve never been a fan of the brooding crap he churns out, and that fact that he gets away with it week after week is just maddening. I’m telling you, the emperor has no clothes, but he does bear an uncanny resemblance to
Kristy Lee’s horse (I didn’t realize that horses have combovers too). As a baby, David looked like
Alfred Hitchcock and a
Talosian from Star Trek. This marks the first time there were
three Separated at Births for a single contestant in one week. He’s still a bald douche.
