[MikeM]

Insert Hanson's post here in plain text.

Disastrous Plastic Surgery returns to American Idol tonight in the altered form of Priscilla Presley. The creepiest thing about her face was that, due to repeated facelifts (stretching her skin tighter and tighter until it became taut like tympani drum) or repeated injections of botox, barely anything below her nose moved when she spoke, making her look like a muppet when she addressed the contestants. Meanwhile, Tommy Mottola looked like the butler rather than a successful music producer. Speaking of which, while they did flash a picture of Mariah (eer so briefly), they never mentioned her name even though she’s easily his most famous and successful project. Of course, having been dumped by her and divorced on not-so-good terms is probably why a staple of the program like Mariah never got a shout out (unlike Shakira, who royally pissed off the producers when she appeared but got a mention). In the meantime, the singers tackled Elvis, which really put Katharine behind the eight ball. It’s the kind of thing that fuels speculation that the producers are trying desperately to get a guy to win this year. That’s called stacking the deck.

Taylor – Taylor appears to dig this two-song format because it lets him perform a spazzy dance number for the fans and then a calmer soulful one to prove he’s a real singer. His first song was the former, a jumpy, over the top rendition of Jailhouse Rock that was just north of Karaokeville. Maybe north a bit and a left at the first traffic light, but his mail would still go to the Karaokeville Post Office and his magazines and letters would constantly get misrouted or lost. If you want see a better over the top version of Jailhouse Rock, check out the Blues Brothers DVD – Taylor’s got nothing on John Belushi. This is the Taylor I’m not a huge fan of, although it’s more the perfunctory singing than the spazzy dancing that dampens my enthusiasm.

Chris – Suspicious Minds was the very first karaoke song I ever performed, so I always have a soft spot in my heart for this song. Chris started off well enough, although it sounded like he was going to veer into some cut rate Elvis impersonation with goat flavor. But then, gradually, it lost energy and got more and boring until I lost interest. It ended up quite lifeless, like Chris either lost steam or enthusiasm, and there no was trademark growliness or poop screams to wake me up. I know those were Elvis-style sunglasses, but with the bald head and placid demeanor, he just ended up looking like Moby.

Elliott – I guess there’s a fine line between vibrato and sounding like a goat, but Elliott did not cross the line so much as he climbed into his Skycycle, attempted to jump the Snake River Canyon, and ended up plunging into the chasm below. This was the goatiest performance of the entire competition, and that’s really something considering Chris is the Constipated Goat. I found the performance bland and uninteresting. I think Taylor could have pulled it off, but Elliott is just too bland to make anything of it.

Katharine – Why does Kat tease us so with the “is she or isn’t she pregnant” outfits? She trots out a baby-doll style camisole top for the second week in a row that makes you wonder she’s got something cookin’ in the oven. Instead of tackling a single song, Kat decided to do a frenetic medley with spazzy dance moves borrowed from Taylor. By the time she got up to the stage, she appeared winded and then she hit a really bad note and then forgot the words. This is just too high energy for her and doesn’t suit her well because she’s too full of nervous energy as it is. She ended up manic and all over the place, and because it was a medley, it forced her to shift gears too often, which accentuated the lack of focus. All in all, it was just a big mess, and her attempt at an Elvis style leg twitch was laughable – it looked more like a pee shiver (and after all, frequent urination is a symptom of pregnancy). The oddest part was when she sang, “Bless my soul what’s wrong with me, I’m itching like a girl on a fuzzy tree” while making scratching gestures towards her crotch. Seemed more like, “itching like a girl with VD”.

Taylor 2 – This is the other Taylor, the one who can sing his ass off. Just like last week, Taylor was the highlight of the evening – his performance of In the Ghetto was easily better than all of the other performances combined. Great soulful tone from start to finish, and he even showed off a falsetto, and a damn good one at that. Taylor knows how to growl better than any of the other contestants – Katharine’s growls have an abrupt, grunting quality that is unpleasing and fake, while Chris’ growls are the protracted, frustrated howls of a man whose bowels will not cooperate. I can barley hear Elliott’s growls. On the other hand, Taylor’s growling has a satisfying completeness that the others lack, because he means it – it’s not merely for effect.

Chris 2 – Long time Idol viewers will remember A Little Less Conversation as John Peter Lewis’ signature tune, a fun, upbeat number that featured John’s then trademark spazzy dancing (well, this was before Taylor bought out the rights). So why on earth would Chris walk around sullenly like a pill and sing in a boring, monotone voice? It just gave off a Pickler-like, “I want to be voted off” vibe that was puzzling. He finished with a slight uptick in energy, but this enervated performance was pretty much a snoozer. Maybe that’s the way the lead singer from Live sings it?

Elliott 2 – Every two or three weeks, a performance gets over praised by the judges and makes me scratch my head. This is one of those performances, and I’m still scratching my head. Now that I think about it, that does explain the quarter-sized bald spot on my scalp. I was scratching my head trying to figure out where it came from. Wait a minute… so that’s why I have a nickel-sized bald spot on the other side. Thank God – I thought I might have ingested something radioactive. Anyhoo, I my opinion, Elliott was completely over-powered by the band, rendering him almost unintelligible. Plus, the song required snaky, nasty, bluesy, bad-ass vocals that Elliott totally did not deliver. Instead, he sounded like a choirboy or something – it was like Moby singing Roadhouse Blues or Clay Aiken singing American Woman (although I suppose the opening lyrics are quite appropriate for Clay). Regardless, the judges comments were so off base I did a spit take with my glass of D2O. Okay, that joke was a stretch.

Katharine 2 – Katharine McOff-Khee was back in full force. Shrill and bombastic, with pitch issues at almost every step and a case of terrible runs that needed Kaopectate to relieve. This was a textbook example of taking a simple, straightforward song and loading it up with so much Christina Aguilera-eque melismatic overkill it starts emanating its own gravitational field. Top that off with Kat’s trademark tics, facial contortions, creepy smiling (BTW, I finally figured out that she’s trying to be seductive) and her penchant for hitting one screechy bad note after another when things start going bad, and you’ve got yourself the hands down winner for Worst Performance of the Evening. And the outfit was pretty much a disaster, looking like she raided the costume room from a high school production of Oklahoma – the skirt even had a fringe (on bottom). It was like something you’d see a pioneer school marm wear, expect that instead of a white shirt with a high collar and frilly sleeves, Kat decided to “sex it up” by ditching the shirt altogether. This only served to expose her belly but not her bellybutton, which in my opinion is a huge mistake because showing off the bellybutton is the whole point of baring your midriff. A bare midriff without a visible bellybutton is pointless because all you have is a pooch. Of course, my wife brought up the possibility that Kat does not have a bellybutton, which, if true, is further proof that she is an android with advanced (for the 21st Century) emotion-algorithms and is awaiting a true emotion chip. Wait – can androids get pregnant? And why can’t they program this android to sing on key?

bold test

Disastrous Plastic Surgery returns to American Idol tonight in the altered form of Priscilla Presley. The creepiest thing about her face was that, due to repeated facelifts (stretching her skin tighter and tighter until it became taut like tympani drum) or repeated injections of botox, barely anything below her nose moved when she spoke, making her look like a muppet when she addressed the contestants. Meanwhile, Tommy Mottola looked like the butler rather than a successful music producer. Speaking of which, while they did flash a picture of Mariah (eer so briefly), they never mentioned her name even though she’s easily his most famous and successful project. Of course, having been dumped by her and divorced on not-so-good terms is probably why a staple of the program like Mariah never got a shout out (unlike Shakira, who royally pissed off the producers when she appeared but got a mention). In the meantime, the singers tackled Elvis, which really put Katharine behind the eight ball. It’s the kind of thing that fuels speculation that the producers are trying desperately to get a guy to win this year. That’s called stacking the deck.

Taylor – Taylor appears to dig this two-song format because it lets him perform a spazzy dance number for the fans and then a calmer soulful one to prove he’s a real singer. His first song was the former, a jumpy, over the top rendition of Jailhouse Rock that was just north of Karaokeville. Maybe north a bit and a left at the first traffic light, but his mail would still go to the Karaokeville Post Office and his magazines and letters would constantly get misrouted or lost. If you want see a better over the top version of Jailhouse Rock, check out the Blues Brothers DVD – Taylor’s got nothing on John Belushi. This is the Taylor I’m not a huge fan of, although it’s more the perfunctory singing than the spazzy dancing that dampens my enthusiasm.

Chris – Suspicious Minds was the very first karaoke song I ever performed, so I always have a soft spot in my heart for this song. Chris started off well enough, although it sounded like he was going to veer into some cut rate Elvis impersonation with goat flavor. But then, gradually, it lost energy and got more and boring until I lost interest. It ended up quite lifeless, like Chris either lost steam or enthusiasm, and there no was trademark growliness or poop screams to wake me up. I know those were Elvis-style sunglasses, but with the bald head and placid demeanor, he just ended up looking like Moby.

Elliott – I guess there’s a fine line between vibrato and sounding like a goat, but Elliott did not cross the line so much as he climbed into his Skycycle, attempted to jump the Snake River Canyon, and ended up plunging into the chasm below. This was the goatiest performance of the entire competition, and that’s really something considering Chris is the Constipated Goat. I found the performance bland and uninteresting. I think Taylor could have pulled it off, but Elliott is just too bland to make anything of it.

Katharine – Why does Kat tease us so with the “is she or isn’t she pregnant” outfits? She trots out a baby-doll style camisole top for the second week in a row that makes you wonder she’s got something cookin’ in the oven. Instead of tackling a single song, Kat decided to do a frenetic medley with spazzy dance moves borrowed from Taylor. By the time she got up to the stage, she appeared winded and then she hit a really bad note and then forgot the words. This is just too high energy for her and doesn’t suit her well because she’s too full of nervous energy as it is. She ended up manic and all over the place, and because it was a medley, it forced her to shift gears too often, which accentuated the lack of focus. All in all, it was just a big mess, and her attempt at an Elvis style leg twitch was laughable – it looked more like a pee shiver (and after all, frequent urination is a symptom of pregnancy). The oddest part was when she sang, “Bless my soul what’s wrong with me, I’m itching like a girl on a fuzzy tree” while making scratching gestures towards her crotch. Seemed more like, “itching like a girl with VD”.

Taylor 2 – This is the other Taylor, the one who can sing his ass off. Just like last week, Taylor was the highlight of the evening – his performance of In the Ghetto was easily better than all of the other performances combined. Great soulful tone from start to finish, and he even showed off a falsetto, and a damn good one at that. Taylor knows how to growl better than any of the other contestants – Katharine’s growls have an abrupt, grunting quality that is unpleasing and fake, while Chris’ growls are the protracted, frustrated howls of a man whose bowels will not cooperate. I can barley hear Elliott’s growls. On the other hand, Taylor’s growling has a satisfying completeness that the others lack, because he means it – it’s not merely for effect.

Chris 2 – Long time Idol viewers will remember A Little Less Conversation as John Peter Lewis’ signature tune, a fun, upbeat number that featured John’s then trademark spazzy dancing (well, this was before Taylor bought out the rights). So why on earth would Chris walk around sullenly like a pill and sing in a boring, monotone voice? It just gave off a Pickler-like, “I want to be voted off” vibe that was puzzling. He finished with a slight uptick in energy, but this enervated performance was pretty much a snoozer. Maybe that’s the way the lead singer from Live sings it?

Elliott 2 – Every two or three weeks, a performance gets over praised by the judges and makes me scratch my head. This is one of those performances, and I’m still scratching my head. Now that I think about it, that does explain the quarter-sized bald spot on my scalp. I was scratching my head trying to figure out where it came from. Wait a minute… so that’s why I have a nickel-sized bald spot on the other side. Thank God – I thought I might have ingested something radioactive. Anyhoo, I my opinion, Elliott was completely over-powered by the band, rendering him almost unintelligible. Plus, the song required snaky, nasty, bluesy, bad-ass vocals that Elliott totally did not deliver. Instead, he sounded like a choirboy or something – it was like Moby singing Roadhouse Blues or Clay Aiken singing American Woman (although I suppose the opening lyrics are quite appropriate for Clay). Regardless, the judges comments were so off base I did a spit take with my glass of D2O. Okay, that joke was a stretch.

Katharine 2 – Katharine McOff-Khee was back in full force. Shrill and bombastic, with pitch issues at almost every step and a case of terrible runs that needed Kaopectate to relieve. This was a textbook example of taking a simple, straightforward song and loading it up with so much Christina Aguilera-eque melismatic overkill it starts emanating its own gravitational field. Top that off with Kat’s trademark tics, facial contortions, creepy smiling (BTW, I finally figured out that she’s trying to be seductive) and her penchant for hitting one screechy bad note after another when things start going bad, and you’ve got yourself the hands down winner for Worst Performance of the Evening. And the outfit was pretty much a disaster, looking like she raided the costume room from a high school production of Oklahoma – the skirt even had a fringe (on bottom). It was like something you’d see a pioneer school marm wear, expect that instead of a white shirt with a high collar and frilly sleeves, Kat decided to “sex it up” by ditching the shirt altogether. This only served to expose her belly but not her bellybutton, which in my opinion is a huge mistake because showing off the bellybutton is the whole point of baring your midriff. A bare midriff without a visible bellybutton is pointless because all you have is a pooch. Of course, my wife brought up the possibility that Kat does not have a bellybutton, which, if true, is further proof that she is an android with advanced (for the 21st Century) emotion-algorithms and is awaiting a true emotion chip. Wait – can androids get pregnant? And why can’t they program this android to sing on key?

[MikeM]

Sample text


Elliott 2 – Every two or three weeks, a performance gets over praised by the judges and makes me scratch my head. This is one of those performances, and I’m still scratching my head. Now that I think about it, that does explain the quarter-sized bald spot on my scalp. I was scratching my head trying to figure out where it came from. Wait a minute… so that’s why I have a nickel-sized bald spot on the other side. Thank God – I thought I might have ingested something radioactive. Anyhoo, I my opinion, Elliott was completely over-powered by the band, rendering him almost unintelligible. Plus, the song required snaky, nasty, bluesy, bad-ass vocals that Elliott totally did not deliver. Instead, he sounded like a choirboy or something – it was like Moby singing Roadhouse Blues or Clay Aiken singing American Woman (although I suppose the opening lyrics are quite appropriate for Clay). Regardless, the judges comments were so off base I did a spit take with my glass of D2O. Okay, that joke was a stretch.


Katharine 2 – Katharine McOff-Khee was back in full force. Shrill and bombastic, with pitch issues at almost every step and a case of terrible runs that needed Kaopectate to relieve. This was a textbook example of taking a simple, straightforward song and loading it up with so much Christina Aguilera-eque melismatic overkill it starts emanating its own gravitational field. Top that off with Kat’s trademark tics, facial contortions, creepy smiling (BTW, I finally figured out that she’s trying to be seductive) and her penchant for hitting one screechy bad note after another when things start going bad, and you’ve got yourself the hands down winner for Worst Performance of the Evening. And the outfit was pretty much a disaster, looking like she raided the costume room from a high school production of Oklahoma – the skirt even had a fringe (on bottom). It was like something you’d see a pioneer school marm wear, expect that instead of a white shirt with a high collar and frilly sleeves, Kat decided to “sex it up” by ditching the shirt altogether. This only served to expose her belly but not her bellybutton, which in my opinion is a huge mistake because showing off the bellybutton is the whole point of baring your midriff. A bare midriff without a visible bellybutton is pointless because all you have is a pooch. Of course, my wife brought up the possibility that Kat does not have a bellybutton, which, if true, is further proof that she is an android with advanced (for the 21st Century) emotion-algorithms and is awaiting a true emotion chip. Wait – can androids get pregnant? And why can’t they program this android to sing on key?