Last night, I had this crazy dream about one Mr. Tom Cruise. (for all the juicy details you can look
here eh) Anyway, as I was discussing this dream with our very own Mr. SteveGon (as I do all important life issues, dreams, sexual conquests, etc.) we kinda started bashing him a bit. Well, after a few minutes of thought (don't worry, I didn't hurt myself) I started to realize I kinda liked Mr. Cruise. So that evil snake-in-the-grass Mr. Gon challenged me to list some superior Tom films. Much to my surprise, I couldn't come up with many. I was drawing a blank. So I rushed home and looked up his works on the wonderful IMDB (actually rushed is a bit of a strong word. I came home at the end of my shift. And I didn't actually look them up until about ten minutes ago) and was horrified at what I found. Actually horrified is a bit of a strong word. Perhaps "perplexed" might fit the bill a little more correctly. I kinda like the word entangled....but that sounds too hazardous. I thought of a couple of big words that might work even better, but I have no clue how to pronounce them, let alone spell them. I'll go with perplexed. So without further ado, let us take a look at some of his bigger films:
Taps- Never saw it. I'm not into tap dancing.
The Outsiders- Tom turns in a courageous performance as Steve Randle. I haven't seen this film in quite some time (although I often bark out a "Let's do it for Johnny!" at some of the stupidest of things.....example: My wife reminds me to take out the trash and I respond by saying that she has to help me and then add the "Let's Do It For Johnny!" in my best over-the-top Matt Dillon voice) and I don't think Tom has all that big of a part, so I guess this one doesn't count.
Top Gun- I have decided to skip all Tom's "Teen Angst" bullshit movies. In
Gun he is a chick magnet. However, he has the personality of a genital wart: annoying!
The Color of Money- Tom is golden in this masterpiece! However, when compared to the masterful Paul Newman, he kinda looks like three-day-old cheese, but it's hard to match Newman playing Fast Eddie. Anyway, didn't you just want to kick Tom right in the junk when he comes up to Fast Eddie's room to share the money he won "taking a dive"? That's damn good acting! (On a side note, I choose to believe that Fast Eddie kicked his ass all over the place in that game at the end)
Cocktail- See
Top Gun. Although he does get kudos for being able to whirl them whiskey bottles all over. Once when I was drunk, I tried to do that will a beer bottle and dropped it. All the cool kids laughed at me.
Rain Man- I have a poker night with some of my co-workers every now and again. One time I tried to count the cards. I lost a lot of money that night (most likely to that evil snake-in-the-grass Mr. Gon). Thanks a lot Tom!
Born on the Fourth of July- I don't remember much about this film. I think it was all right, and that Tom was all right as well, but years of drug abuse have destroyed all brain cells relating to the memory of this film.
Days of Thunder- See
Top Gun but again kudos must go for the introduction of the lovely Nicole Kidman to my fantasies. And just for Rob....Nascar Sucks!
A Few Good Men- This was the lone movie that lept into my brain when SteveGon (the filthy turd) challenged me with a good Tom movie. I don't care what you people say, Tom is awesome in this film. So is Kevin Pollack and Jack (of course), but Tom is damn fine!
The Firm- Uh, I know I saw it. I guess see
Born on the Fourth of July.
Interview With the Vampire- Again, I know I'm in the minority (report...hahaha just a little Tom humor) here, but Tom kicked ass in this movie. I think this was the first movie I ever saw that I realized men can be pretty too.
Mission Impossible 1 & 2- I'm drawing that damn blank again. Perhaps I should have listened to my high school guidance counselor after all. Oh the Hell with it, they stunk.
Jerry Maguire- I like the film. I like Tom in the film. But that last damn speech of his ("We live in a cynical, cynical world. You complete me.") makes me wanna retch!
Eyes Wide Shut- Contrary to what Mr. SteveGon (he likes gerbils) will tell you, I like this movie for more than just the "boobies." Tom delivers a fine, fine performance, and it's one of the few "Kubricks" I really like.
Magnolia- If I remember correctly I believe Tom had a nasty potty mouth in this film. Kudos!
Vanilla Sky- Tom is dead? Tom is alive? Tom has a disfigured face? Tom confuses me.
Minority Report- Mr. SteveGon doesn't like this movie.
Okay, now let's tally the results shall we.
=7
=7
So what conclusions can we come to? Tom is both good and evil rolled up into one entity. I guess that kind of kicks ass.
