Is it the end?

John Alvarez · 01-25-2006, 02:52 PM

My 17 year old daughter who lives with my ex called this past Friday night to tell me she is 4 months pregnant. The ex boyfriend is claiming it's not his which DNA will prove when the baby is born. I am absolutly disappointed about the whole thing. Wanting more for your kids etc...Her mom is making her feel as though everything will be Mary Poppins. The same woman who let her get a belly ring at 12, a tattoo at 15, quit school at 16 and now pregnant at 17..........Does anyone have words of wisdom? She and I haven't been close in a couple of years because I am the mean dad who has rules etc....Now this? My now 10 moth old daughter will be an Aunt and me a grandpa at 43.....

Michael Martin · 01-25-2006, 03:07 PM

John, let me first say you have my empathy and support. I'm sure you're dealing with a huge tangle of emotions and thoughts right now.

From what you describe, there isn't much you can do WRT the immediate situation. Think long-term, whatever you do - remember that this grandchild will be around for the rest of your life, and act accordingly WRT support and help.

On a practical, personal, level, I'd encourage you to cast about for some support. Whether through faith-based or community-based organizations, see if you can connect with other parents whose children have had/are having children. I'd especially encourage you to seek out a divorced dad's group in town (most likely at a church, but might exist outside of one). This will be a lifeline for YOU as you navigate some very tricky emotional and relational waters.

Are you able to help your daughter find similar resources? She might very well rebuff any of your efforts (at least initially), but you can at the very least take satisfaction from having done the right thing and showing a forward-thinking, productive approach.

What about offering weekly (or monthly or whatever) babysitting services? It's a great opportunity to grow close to your grandchild, as well as sow seeds for a better relationship with your daughter down the line.

I think seeking out support of people - and especially men - who have gone through what you are is the best thing you can do. Having objective, experience support will be tremendously helpful.

Just some ideas.

Mark Sherman · 01-25-2006, 03:08 PM

Hey you did all you could with all of those "RULES" OH No

. Nice to see that her mom is given her a proper upringing with Tats belly rings and now this. Great Job there mom, way to go.

Id say give it up for adoption and let your daughter have a future and a life.

danDo · 01-25-2006, 03:11 PM

I can't give advise on your daughter, it is hard when you are the "mean dad" and see what the "cool mom" is doing to your child.

Irregardless of the situation, you will be a grandfather. Demand and let your daughter know that you expect a lot of quality time with your grandson/granddaughter. Dote on the little bugger and make them a real joy in your life. In time your daughter will come around and she will have you as a good example to follow.

Also, if you decide to start contributing to an education fund for the baby, it may be better to make your own account that neither the mother or grandmother can touch and make the trustee someone outside of the immediate family.

Kevin M · 01-25-2006, 03:17 PM

I agree with the idea(s) of offering babysitting to your daughter as a way of mending fences and growing closer to your granddaughter (and proving that you aren't the "evil dad" that you think she see's you as)....but support groups? ...for becoming a grandfather? .....well, whatever helps you through I suppose but requiring a support group for this basic a life event (even at 17/43 respectively) seems a bit much....but that's just me.

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Jacinto · 01-25-2006, 03:48 PM

John,

The first thing you should really do is go to your daughter, put your arms around her, and tell her that you love her and that everything will be alright. In my experience, nothing heals relationships better than grace. Do you think she called you to hear how disappointed you are in her life? Or what you think of her boyfriend? She did not even call in hopes of getting your approval. All she wanted was to hear your love and grace, and to be encouraged by the knowledge that you will always be there for her.

My wife got pregnant during her senior year in high school, and it was directly because of her circumstances (long story -- aren't they always, though?) that we ever ended up meeting eight years later. Thanks to the support of her family, she still went to college and had a career when I met her as a single mom. It is your job to be that support for her. We've been married six years, added three more kids to the mix, and she's now become the first person in her family to get a Masters degree. Your daughter's life is not over, and neither is yours, John.

Hang in there, it will get better.

RichardK · 01-25-2006, 06:07 PM

John-

Your story hits close to home with me. My parents are divorced and due to the circumstances at the time of the divorce, my Dad had custody of my 15yr old sister and 13yr old brother. I was away at college when I get the call from my Dad that my baby sister was pregnant. My Mom flipped out! Nearly 9yrs later, my sister and mom's relationship is still nonexistent.

I have always felt the reason was because my mother didnt keep do what Jacinto recommends in his post.

My words of advice are to remember parental love should be UNCONDITIONAL. Demonstrate that to your daughter and to your grandchild. Everything else will fall in to place. Maybe one day my mother will figure that out...

Regards

Michael Martin · 01-25-2006, 08:24 PM

Quote:

.but support groups? ...for becoming a grandfather? .....

I don't care whether it's an organized group or Fred across the street. Being able to talk to someone who's experienced what you are helps.

And this isn't about being a grandfather - or at least, not only about that. It's about being the noncustodial parent to a child, and that relationship has been hurting for a while. That child becoming pregnant introduces new stresses and layers to the relationship.

So, yeah. Support group for being a grandfather.

Jason_Els · 01-25-2006, 09:54 PM

Ditto on the trust manouver. Even if you can put a little in an edcuational account at a time. It's the single biggest thing you can do to help your new grandchild get along in life. Doesn't sound like mom's the type to think about the future so you might as well take an initiative.

The other thing is to offer your daughter support as you can. Perhaps offer to buy diapers or what you can, but the important thing is being helpful and able and nonjudgmental when you can. How your grandchild is raised will depend largely on your daughter. Unplanned babies can either be a wake-up call or a descent into denial and turbulence. Your daughter must wake-up and smell the diapers or the child will end-up being a ward of someone else.

The most you can do is offer to support your daughter in the positive choices she makes and to warn her away from the bad ones. The days of you calling the shots are over. She's an adult now with adult responsibilities. Treating her as an adult will enforce this thinking in her and perhaps help her realize you were right all along. Maybe it won't happen now or even a while from now. You may have many difficult moments and periods of silence. Couch your words and actions in love. Always tell her how much you love her even if you don't support her choices and tell her why you don't support them when they occur. When she makes choices you do support again, tell her that you love her and why you support her choice. This kind of patterned behavior helps an adult child to be made aware of adult behavior and reinforces the idea that your love isn't tied to her actions but your support is; that witholding support (financial or behavioral) doesn't mean you don't love her. This can be a difficult course to set in yourlife but if you stick to your guns she will come around to your way of thinking when she's ready to accept responsibility for what's gone on. Tattoos and piercings and wild hair color doesn't amount to anything. Dropping out of school does. It's very important that your daughter make plans to return to school or, at least, make a blueprint for her immediate future. Offer to help with these things.

You'll hate me for saying this but I strongly suggest you and your wife get together by yourselves for a meeting on how to approach this. It's helpful if she does and most divorced parents, no matter how estranged, understand the necessity of communicating with each other where the children are concerned. If she doesn't, ok, maybe in the future she will. The more communication you have, the better you will both be able to help your daughter and grandchild.

Here's some information on 529s. You may know about them already, but I thought I'd include it as they're such a good idea.

Generally, college savings plans, called 529s, offer tax-deferredearnings; since 2002, distributions from qualified state tuition plans are tax free if used to pay for qualified higher education expenses (some states offer tax exemptions and deductions, so check around). Depending on the state, maximum contribution amounts range from a low of $100,000 to over $250,000. The account owner keeps control of the assets; for gift tax purposes, he or she can contribute up to $11,000 per year without any gift tax consequences. Under a special gift tax rule, he or she can make a single contribution of up to $55,000 ($110,000 jointly) and treat the contribution as if it was made over a five year period. You give up the right to manage the money, though; a portfolio manager invests in several mutual funds. Please keep in mind that the underlying investment options are subject to market risk and will fluctuate in value. Other unusual 529 plan details include: You can name yourself the account owner and beneficiary in planning for your own educational expenses. (You can also withdraw funds for non-educational expenses, but the earnings are subject to income tax, and a 10% tax penalty applies.) You can also rename beneficiaries. Also, some states let the account owner be a friend as well as a relative. Some states offer tax deductions to residents who contribute to their 529 plans. Keep in mind that there are fees and expenses and tax ramifications associated with 529 plans that you should take into account before choosing a 529 plan.