Leila Dougan

postpartum depression

Five months ago I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. She's wonderful, doing just fine, and an absolute joy. But it seems, unfortunately, that I have developed postpartum depression. I'm under care of my OB, on medication, and will be seeing a counselor this coming week. So those details are already worked out; this post isn't about that.

I realize that most of you here are guys, which is what I'm after. Essentially, my husband is having a hard time being supportive, having never been depressed before. I'm in search of advice for him, mainly. So let me ask you all. . .any of you guys have had the women in your lives fall victim to the evil postpartum depression monster?

My husband, being much like a lot of guys I know, is a problem solver. He wants to "fix" my problem and when he can't, he (I think) feels defeated and leaves me alone. And since he has no personal experience with depression, he doesn't have a clue on how to be supportive. I know, I know, I should be able to tell him what I need, but being depressed, I'm havinga really hard time gathering my thoughts. I've been having an extremely rough couple of days and today I couldn't get out of bed until 4pm. He walked in at one point, asked if there's anything he could do, and when I said no, he just left me there. I know I am no fun to be around, but I do need him around, and when I tell him that he's frustrated that he can't fix it so he leaves. He doesn't know what it's like when it takes all your energy to deal with the very bad thoughts.

He's a good husband and father, really, and I'm grateful for that. Truthfully, as bad as this sounds, I don't want to be around the baby at all but I grudgingly feed her (I'm breastfeeding) because she needs it. He's been taking care of her alone for the last two days because I am not able to do a good job. So I'm grateful that he can do that for me.

Now that I've written all this, I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for. I think mainly, I'm looking to see if any of you have been in his shoes. Or if you have a story to share, or just general support for me.

Thanks, I appreciate it.

Brandon_T

My absolute best goes out to you Leila. My wife was battling PPD for nearly a year before we realized it. It took horrific toll on our marriage, our son and so many other areas of our life we barely recovered.

It is very hard for the guy to deal with and understand. It is also very dangerous if it goes untreated as I am sure you already know. Please just be honest with him. My wife made some very strange decisions that she would not have made normally, and it nearly cost us our marriage. She was diagnosed with it back in March and has been on medication ever since. She still battles depression from time to time but I think she is getting better and on the road to full recovery.

If you are interested I might have her post here under my name about what she wishes I would have done differently to help her out. Then you could have your husband read because maybe she can now put into words what you can't. Its just a suggestion, but I am willing to try anything to help you out.

Also, in my thread about PPD, you offered advice for me. Thank you.

willyTass

Sorry to hear your depressed. It's a big world wide club.
Men use the English language in it's literal sense. When your husband asks you "Is there anything I can do for you" he means "Is there anything I can do for you". Unfortunately there is no hidden meaning in his question, nor is it an invitation to start a conversation. to paraphrase Al Pacino men "mean what they say and say what they mean".

I f you haven't learnt by now men, at least those who lack experience, cannot pick up on hints. Most women will drop hints so obtuse not even Nostradamus will pick em up.You have to understand your husband is
1. By the sounds of it, inexperienced/ immature.
2. Not a woman.
Therefore you can't expect him to know what you want or how you feel by powers of sheer clairvoyancy. Woman can sense these things most men cannot.

Yes he's probably a "Mr Fix it" (like most men) when what you want is empathy. Unfortunately few men are born with the instinct of empathy , most acquire this only once they've been traumatised themselves.

Virtually everyone who is unhappy has a gut feeling as to why. I've never met a woman who's never experienced depression.And usually the ones with the perpetual smile on their face it's a case of the wider the smile the deeper the wounds.

The medical profession will argue that PPD is hormonal or that the cause is unknown.They maybe right. But there's always the possibility that it's a state of mind. If there are reasons why you are depressed, and you don't (or can't ) tell your husband he will never know.

Jung argued that repressed memories would inevitably rear their ugly head in the form of physical disease or depression "but I don't know why".
Ive seen women spend 30 years waiting for their husbands to understand what I need/ listen to me/etc. It's a long and bitter wait for a wife waiting for her husband to look like a man but think like a woman.

If your husband can't empathise with you by now he's unlikely to ever do so. It's not his fault he just hasn't got the experience yet.

Gerald LaFrance

Hi Leila Did you check with the Dr. about taking medication and Breastfeeding I know with Certain Meds it is NOT reccomended??

In time with medication and counseling you should be able to get better, I suffer from depression myself and Take meds and I had counseling in the past now I am back to my OLD Errr NEW self.

I hope you get Better and God Bless!!

andrew markworthy

Leila, first of all my sincere sympathies. It's damn-all consolation, I know, but youre is a surprisingly common problem. Also, it's categorically *not* something that you have created either deliberately or subconsciously. To use the old cliche, sometimes bad things happen to nice people, and regrettably PPD is one such example.

I don't want to sound patronising, but the facts that you are taking the right practical steps and you clearly have a good insight into your situation are excellent signs.

As regards your question, I think that what your husband possibly needs is a little reassurance that what's happening will produce results. As you've said yourself, if he's a guy with a problem-solving mind, not seeing immediate results is probably frustrating for him. I think the best idea is to mention the current state of affairs to your counsellor and see if he or she can arrange to have a couple of sessions with your husband, not to 'treat' him, but to explain the situation and discuss how he can help (your counsellor may suggest this anyway).

Fredster

The day after the birth of our second (boy), I had taken our first born (2 year old boy) to the pediatrician for his 2 year checkup. The doctor detected a slight heart murmur. Nothing unusual she said, such murmurs are common and completely harmless. She did caution me strongly that I should not tell my wife at this time with all of those "after giving birth" hormones flying around and such. Of course, being a big idiot guy and all, I delayed this (in my mind) trivial news until she came home with the new baby (a whole day later!).

Nothing could have prepared me for her reaction. She collapsed on the floor crying and moaning, that she just knew he was going to die and how horrible this was. The crying and moaning went on for what seemed to be hours. I'd thought I knew her, but I'd never seen her like this before. Nothing I did would calm or console her. For days after, she continued to have the "blues". I don't think it would have been classified as depression, but it wasn't at all like the experience with our first child. My boys are now teens and it's been a pretty good life with kids (so far).

It's great that you can discuss your situation so openly. From a "guy" perspective, I don't think we can ever understand womens emotions completely - we don't appear to be wired this way. And depression is another tough one. If you've never been depressed, it's pretty hard to imagine what that's like.

I think you and your guy will be okay. You're making all of the right moves. Just let time sort it all out.

Cameron Yee

Husbands and fathers have already offered their experiences. I am neither one of these things, but I had a female friend who suffered from depression and who was married to a man who was the problem solver type and ultimately not a sensitive person. When she told him about issues she had with certain parts of her body he essentially said, "There's always plastic surgery." I later met his sister and she was essentially the same way - apparently the ability to listen without offering advice was not practiced in the family . I think your post indicated a big component of what you need from him - what all of us need when we are struggling - someone who will listen without judgment and be present in silence. People tend to have a problem viewing these things as "doing something" when they can be the most important things to offer someone in need.

That said, I do understand the instinct to "go away" when you feel powerless. I have that compulsion every time something happens in my family. But you just have to put it away and understand that the person who needs you needs you for a reason. Though the frustration and feelings of powerlessness will likely remain, being present during those times - even in silence - really isn't as useless as it may feel.

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation. - Edward R. Murrow

Chuck Mayer

Leila,
My wife had PPD much earlier after birth (right away). She and I made it through; it was tough on both of us. Be honest with your husband. If you need him around...say so. It's not a personal choice to be depressed, it's a delicate chemical balance. Men (especially me) have trouble with this concept. Keep him informed, keep track of how the medicine is working for you, and keep the doctor informed.

He might feel like you are making it harder for no reason. I simply think communication is key. The meds my wife got helped a lot. Keep in mind your baby probably has him exhausted. When I'm that tired, I am a powder keg unfortunately.

So be as honest as possible with how and WHY you feel the way you do. He might see it as a judgement on him.

It'll work itself out with proper attention and care. You are ahead of the curve.

Good luck,
Chuck

imported_BrianW

Leila, I'm just like your husband, unfortunately. However, to the extent that my wife has whacked me numerous times between the eyes with a 2x4, I entertain the fantasy that I may have actually obtained a clue or two. As such, I think it would help if you gave your husband the following instructions:

1. Tell him that being there and listening quietly is a major part of the solution to the problem. Let him know that even though he won't see results quickly, the solution depends heavily on his willingness to listen, and nothing more.

2. Tell him not to offer advice more than once a day, no matter how much you complain about something or talk his ear off. When he's given his advice for the day, thank him for it, and remind him that his advisory quota has been filled for the day. If he offers any more advice for that day, remind him that he's over quota, and that his advisory priveleges could be revoked. Don't you give in to the impulse to "let one slide" and fail to call him on it if he breaks this rule. By strictly enforcing this rule, no matter how cruel it seems you are being, you are giving your husband a quantifiable way to measure his effectiveness at being part of the solution, which is something his guy-brain desperately needs. ("Today she yelled at me only three times for going over quota, so I must be doing something right!" )

3. Tell him that he is forbidden from asking you any questions that require a scalar answer. That is, no yes-or-no questions ("Do you want fries with that?"), no questions that have a finite number of definite responses ("Do you want pizza or hamburgers?"), no questions that require any kind of definite response ("What would you like to eat?"), and no questions that require a definite number as a response ("How many gallons of milk should I get?"). Open-ended questions like "How do you feel?" are allowed. This is actually more for his sake than for yours. You're not likely to be in a frame of mind to provide an answer that is actionable ("I don't know" isn't an actionable response, for all you women out there ), and such questions are asked in order to determine the next immediate course of action. If he doesn't ask, then he won't be frustrated. Likewise, if there's anything you want from him, no matter how trivial, you need to let him know. Again, enforce this rule with reminders every time he breaks it.

Finally, I have some advice for you, Leila: For your own sake, at the end of each day, tell your husband what a tremendous help he's been. And that you appreciate everything he's done for you. Let me explain that you won't be doing this to stroke his ego, or any of that lovey-dovey crap. As I said, you should be doing this for your own sake. Remember that in his guy-mind, he wants to express his love for you by solving your problems. If he goes too long without feeling like he's part of the solution, he will give up, and that won't do you any good at all. So even if you're convinced that he did absolutely everything in his power to ruin your life that day, you need to keep him on task and focused for tomorrow by pretending you appreciate it. Because if you think today was bad, tomorrow will be even worse if he doesn't feel like he's helping. So for your own sake, lie to him if you have to. If it helps you get the words out, think about how ths creep of a husband is such a complete moron that his pig-brain is incapable of discerning your blatant lie, and take pleasure in your manipulative deceit as you thank him for everything he's done that day. Sure it's manipulative, but it keeps him working as part of the solution, which is really what he would want anyway. He does love you, after all, and would even appreciate the expediency of your scheme, if he could only comprehend it. Hopefully, there will eventually be more and more times when you actually mean it when you thank him at the end of each day. But in the mean time, lie to him through your teeth, however you can manage to do so. It's your life that will be better for it.

Leila, as was said earlier, you're way ahead of the curve, and you have every reason to hope for a full recovery. If you want, my wife will even lend you her 2x4.