I need some simple advice for happiness

08-02-2005, 12:02 PM

I don't think i am terminally depressed, or anything, but last week was kind of tough. I finally closed on my old house, which was good news, but it was hard to hand over the keys and say goodbye. I lived int hat house when I got married, and when I got divorced. My son was placed with our family in that house, and he went back into residential care before I moved. It was emotional, and I somehow found myself missing my ex a bit...not in a "I want you back" kind of way, but just, I think, being a bit sad at all of it being gone.

Anyway, I do find that a lot of the time I am thinking about bad things in my life, and not the positive things. And it is such an irony to me that while I will think things to death to try to find a solution to a problem, sometimes the simplest advice can be the best.

I used to allow myself to become overburdened. I'm still bad about asking for help, as I feel guilty for asking somene to give of themselves for me, but I have learned not to let all of my time be consumed with some advice I read years ago. It was about how to turn down a charitable request when one already gives to the charities of their personal choice. The answer was simple: "Just say: 'I'd love to help, but I just do not have the financial ability right now.'".

I have adapted that concept to time. I still help my family and friends, but when i know that taking on a project means all of my own time and my family time will be sucked into a black hole, I will turn down the request in the manner mentioned above. Recently, a friend of mine borrowed a "Party Barge" froma family member, under the condition that he would replace the carpet and reupholster the seats while he had it. He and three friends were going to Havasu, and they agreed to help, since they would use the boat, too.

Long story short, all of the wood was rotten, and replacing it, the carpet, and the upholstrey took too long. They ended up going to Havasu without the boat finished, and mad at each other. I told my friend that as soon as he spoted the rotten wood, he should have used the advice above, and let his family member know the extent of the problems, taken the boat back, and made different plans.

Simple advice. It was tough the first few times I had to use it, but once I learned how, I became much more free.

Another thing I heard recently, and it might have been here, is: "People go out of your lives the same way they came in.". That really helped me to deal with my ex's departure. It wasn't meant to make me feel better...it is general advice for everyone...but it helped me put things in perspective. He came in cheating and running from his past, and he left doing the same thing. Hmm.

So, I guess the point of this thread is to throw out some simple advice and see what sticks. I kind of need something that is simple and reminds me to be happy. I used to be such a happy guy all of the time. I hope that it wasn't because I had blinders on and they have been ripped from me.

What have you got?

Jay Taylor · 08-02-2005, 12:30 PM

Buzz, you know those mushy chain e-mails that some people like to swamp you with on a regular basis? Well I received this one just prior to reading your post and it seemed to hit home with me more than they usually do. Anyway, here it is:

'I Hope You Dance... '

This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.

Dear Bertha,

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was.

I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.

Drew Bethel · 08-02-2005, 01:15 PM

If I were you I'd look into chatting about these "deep" issues with a therapist. You come here if you want recommendations on a new vacuum cleaner or SUV, etc?

Cameron Yee · 08-02-2005, 01:31 PM

I have always been a reflective and sentimental person, which has led to both positive and negative results. The positive have been warm feelings of contentment and greater perspective on and understanding of my life; the negative have been...well, the opposite - dissatisfaction, depression, confusion about life. It used to be that I would dwell on a problem in the belief that I would find a solution, but a couple years ago I was in such an uncontrollable situation that the only solution was to not think about it! This was difficult to do and required a dramatic change in the thought processes I'd had for a couple decades. As my counselor said, you need to short circuit the thoughts (or "emotional memories") that bring you down. What I wound up doing when I felt my thoughts (and subsequently my emotions) going that direction was 1) taking a deep breath and 2) picturing the thought drifting out of my head like a trail of smoke. Maybe I had to do that many times ("Serenity now!!!"

), but over time (and because time is a great healer on its own, if you keep the wounds shut) I thought of those things less. Hope this helps. You've done many things to move on, and it's natural to feel sad about the end of a life you once knew. Acknowledge the sadness, remember the good moments, and feel grateful for what you have now.

Cameron Yee · 08-02-2005, 01:34 PM

Quote:

If I were you I'd look into chatting about these "deep" issues with a therapist. You come here if you want recommendations on a new vacuum cleaner or SUV, etc?

I'd recommend talking to a professional too. There's no shame in it and we all need an objective perspective sometimes. Good friends don't always cut it, nor fellow home theater enthusiasts

**HTF Ads**

Julian Reville · 08-02-2005, 01:43 PM

Quote:

I kind of need something that is simple and reminds me to be happy

Buzz, I'm no expert on happiness, and I have been in some deep, deep, funks sometimes, but I have always come out of them. It takes time, and sometimes finding a new interest.

Not necessarily a new person in your life, either. That is probably the most rewarding, but it is also the most dangerous (IMHO) if you are feeling fragile.

My last funk lasted for a year, off and on. I was obsessed with getting back into the Army Reserve.

Call me stupid. I am qualified to be a Captain (Veterinary Corp), have prior military experience (Honorable Discharge), am in good health, weight, condition. But I was turned down 5 times because I'm too old. It was the first time in my life I have ever failed to qualify for something I wanted .

Wakeup call.

Since then, I joined a state organization that DID want me.

I also took up a game I dropped 20 years ago, and that I find as challenging mentally and physically as I want it to be. For me it's golf, for you it's whatever you want it to be. Challenge yourself, but give yourself attainable goals.

Good luck.

Holadem · 08-02-2005, 02:46 PM

Quote:

It used to be that I would dwell on a problem in the belief that I would find a solution, but a couple years ago I was in such an uncontrollable situation that the only solution was to not think about it! This was difficult to do and required a dramatic change in the thought processes I'd had for a couple decades.

I've had the exact same experience.

It's funny how religion starts sounding like a good idea at those times.

--
H

Cameron Yee · 08-02-2005, 03:20 PM

Also don't confuse the "don't think about it" strategy as denial or avoiding the problem, as I did initially. It was because I was so the opposite of being in denial that I was having problems.

Wendy_L · 08-02-2005, 03:24 PM

Getting a cute kitty and petting it and listening to it purr helps sometimes too.