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The horror! Alone in the dark. a film by Uwe Boll

#1
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1/10/05 at 9:25am
  • Joined: March 2002
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Recently I find the trailer to the new video-game inspired action/horror film Alone in the Dark. And its directed by Uwe Boll! The director who's previous movie House of the Dead should have nominated him for a lifetime judicial order barring him from coming withing 500 yards of a camera.

Now I know that I should be more reasonable and give the guy a second chance, and maybe this film will be of acceptible quality. But then I think back to the horrors of HOTD (The WORST film ever given a theatrical release IMHO), and simply cannot believe this movie is even going to be watchable.

WHY DID I MAKE THIS THREAD?

First, I wanted to be the first in line to warn you all "This is made by the maker of the worst film ever" and that you shouldn't waste your money on a ticket. But Also I wanted to bring you my idea for : Alone in the Dark, The drinking game!

*Camera closeup on actor so tight his/her breathing fogs-up the lens: Take a drink.

*Character in movie "disappears" from scene : take two drinks.

*Film getting intercut with relevant videogame footage: Take drink/per shot

*Film getting intercut with irrelevant videogame footage: Take 2 drinks/per shot

*Visible wires or springboard: Drink

*Characters suddenly walk through walls, suffers from "polygon breakup", or camera films something away from the action to better re-create the feel of the videogame rink till theres only one left standing!


BONUS DVD Drinking Game!

*Enable the directors commentary and drink for every occassion he says "That was good" despite the reality of the situation.

*Punch person next to you (on the arm), everytime director says "Um...Yeah" because even he can't explain what just happened.

"Did you know that more people are murdered at 92 degrees Fahrenheit than any other temperature? I read an article once. Lower temperatures, people are easy-going, over 92 and it's too hot to move, but just 92, people get irritable."

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#2
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1/10/05 at 12:53pm
  • Joined: June 2001
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One might argue that Uwe Boll and Paul WS Anderson are unfairly bashed on internet forums. However, that same someone would have to be one of the blessed many who hasn't actually sat through one of their cinematic trainwrecks. You can't expect every director to be a Kurosawa or a Kubrick but when people with less cinematic talent than the average person are getting directorial gigs, something is horribly wrong.

Don't you ever, EVER compare me to "Family Guy," you hear me Kyle? Compare me to "Family Guy" again and so help me, I will kill you where you stand!

Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go: "Hey Cartman you must like 'Family Guy,' right?" "Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of 'Family...

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#3
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1/10/05 at 6:30pm
  • Joined: October 2000
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Speaking from the opinion of someone who sees virtually EVERYthing, I'd tend to agree that Anderson and Boll are among the absolute worst in genre filmmakers.

There are LOTS of inept directors out there, but the horror / action / sci-fi guys are the ones who get the most negative attention.

But personally...I'd rather have a Paul W.S. Anderson Film Festival than one dedicated to Adam Shankman, Tom Shadyac, Brett Ratner, Joel Zwick, Les Mayfield, Steven Brill, Dennis Dugan, Dennie Gordon, Sam Weisman or Raja Gosnell.
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#4
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1/10/05 at 7:03pm
  • Joined: September 1999
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Quote:
and simply cannot believe this movie is even going to be watchable.

The worst part is the guy is making a Bloodrayne movie as well.

http://www.bloodrayne-themovie.com/

He also has FarCry scheduled for 2006. I thank heaven and all of the angels that this man has nothing to do with up and coming Silent Hill movie.(since it seems Mr. Boll has a thing for videogame properties)
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#5
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1/10/05 at 9:05pm
  • Joined: November 1998
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What?!?

He was allowed near a camera again? I invoke the Geneva Convention immediately. I want answers!



2007 film list 2005 film list 2004 film list 2003 film list 2002 film list
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#6
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1/10/05 at 9:18pm
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I like the directing of Paul W.S. Anderson (haven't seen AvP yet), but the work of Uwe Boll based on House of the Dead is downright horrible.

ENTERLINE MEDIA (entertainment articles and DVD/Movie/TV show reviews)

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#7
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1/11/05 at 12:25am
  • Joined: July 2003
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I always thought horror fans were just picking on Boll until I actually saw HOUSE OF THE DEAD. For the life of me I can't understand how that film made it into theaters. I love bad movies but this one here was just too bad.
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#8
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1/11/05 at 11:38am
  • Joined: June 2001
  • Post Count: 2,039
Quote:
There are LOTS of inept directors out there, but the horror / action / sci-fi guys are the ones who get the most negative attention.

But personally...I'd rather have a Paul W.S. Anderson Film Festival than one dedicated to Adam Shankman, Tom Shadyac, Brett Ratner, Joel Zwick, Les Mayfield, Steven Brill, Dennis Dugan, Dennie Gordon, Sam Weisman or Raja Gosnell.

The directors you mention usually stick to comedies that aren't visually demanding. A genre director needs to have a distinct and memorable style, making Boll and Anderson's ineptitude all the more inexcusable. For example, Brett Ratner made his only good movie ("Red Dragon") by aping Jonathan Demme's success, resting on the great Ted Tally script and cast, and by avoiding the pitfalls Michael Mann made the first time around. Paul WS Anderson had six previous films and a mountain of "expanded universe" material to study when he made "AvP" but we just got a tedious version of the "booby-trapped puzzle maze" cliche with Aliens and Predators thrown in. Ratner's shortcuts on "Red Dragon" may not have been artistically admirable, but the final result was a good movie, which is much more than you can say about "AvP".

Don't you ever, EVER compare me to "Family Guy," you hear me Kyle? Compare me to "Family Guy" again and so help me, I will kill you where you stand!

Do you have any idea what it's like? Everywhere I go: "Hey Cartman you must like 'Family Guy,' right?" "Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of 'Family...

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#9
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1/11/05 at 11:56am
  • Joined: November 2000
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I am surprised no one has yet mentioned that the game (which I never played) is based on the works of H.P. Lovecraft and more specifically, the Call of Chtulhu (I probably mangled it, don't care ).

Has JulieK been seen on these shores lately?

--
H
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#10
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1/11/05 at 12:31pm
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I liked the original game, and thought it might make for a decent movie. Unfortunately, with a horrible director, that seems highly unlikely.

"The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so." - Mark Twain

HT: Marantz SR-8300, MA500 mono, Audiosource Amp300, 5X GR Research A/V-2s, Adire Audio Tempest sub, Oppo BDP-83, RC2000MkII, Panamax 5100, Panamax Max2 sub, PS3 60G (250G)...

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#11
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1/13/05 at 8:43am
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I really liked the game Silent Hill. To my knowledge there has never been a movie, based on a videogame, that has done the videogame justice. Thus I must psychically predict that Silent Hill is probably going to suck (But at least it isn't an Uwe Boll movie), and that makes me a sad panda


As for Anderson's abilities: I really liked Event Horizon (Even if it is a remake of Disney's The Black Hole, and Mortal Kombat was alright for a kid-centric action movie. So unlike Boll I can admit that Anderson at least has some degree of competence as a director, even if you won't accept that he has any great talent. I just wish that he'd stop writing his own material, everything after Mortal Kombat has just been, well, very stupid.

"Did you know that more people are murdered at 92 degrees Fahrenheit than any other temperature? I read an article once. Lower temperatures, people are easy-going, over 92 and it's too hot to move, but just 92, people get irritable."

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#12
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1/13/05 at 9:32am
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Event Horizon had decent shock value, but definitely wasn't what I would call a good movie. It was hellraiser meets The Black Hole (which I loved). Kind of hard to get MK wrong. Any 15yr old who had played the game could have directed that with similar results

"The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so." - Mark Twain

HT: Marantz SR-8300, MA500 mono, Audiosource Amp300, 5X GR Research A/V-2s, Adire Audio Tempest sub, Oppo BDP-83, RC2000MkII, Panamax 5100, Panamax Max2 sub, PS3 60G (250G)...

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#13
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1/13/05 at 12:51pm
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Here's my biggest problem with Boll's film version of Alone In The Dark: In the game... wait for it... YOU WERE ALONE! And yet, the first thing we see in the trailer is a team of cops led by Christian Slater. Okay... the original game was set way in the past and Edward Carnaby was a lone inspector checking out the house = SPOOKY PREMISE. Apparently in the new version, there's... uhm... not so much a house... and Edward Carnaby apparently leads a cadre of elite cops or soldiers or some nonsense = ACTION FILM PREMISE.

I don't even need to see the movie to tell you how much it sucks. What's next? The 7th Guest in space?
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#14
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1/13/05 at 6:30pm
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Quote:
Thus I must psychically predict that Silent Hill is probably going to suck (But at least it isn't an Uwe Boll movie), and that makes me a sad panda


The movie is being written by Roger Avary (Killing Zoe, Pulp Fiction,The Rules of Attraction) and is being directed by Christophe Gans (Brotherhood of the Wolf). I have hope that the Silent Hill movie will be at the very least serviceable. Though I always thought David Lynch and Silent Hill sounded like a match made in heaven.
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#15
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1/13/05 at 10:40pm
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I just realized when I caught it on TV today that I saw the trailer for Alone in the Dark a week or so back when I saw the complete POS Darkness. IIRC, I thought the trailer looked like utter crap...

"The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so." - Mark Twain

HT: Marantz SR-8300, MA500 mono, Audiosource Amp300, 5X GR Research A/V-2s, Adire Audio Tempest sub, Oppo BDP-83, RC2000MkII, Panamax 5100, Panamax Max2 sub, PS3 60G (250G)...

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#16
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1/14/05 at 2:26pm
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I saw the trailer for this last night, It looks like a total POS.

I've never played the game, but I was under the impression that it was sort of a suspense, occult horror about exploring a haunted house. This movie looks like a Michael Bay action wet dream, except directed by someone LESS TALENTED THAN MICHAEL BAY!
Who knew a credit card could scream?

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#17
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1/14/05 at 3:22pm
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But personally...I'd rather have a Paul W.S. Anderson Film Festival than one dedicated to Adam Shankman, Tom Shadyac, Brett Ratner, Joel Zwick, Les Mayfield, Steven Brill, Dennis Dugan, Dennie Gordon, Sam Weisman or Raja Gosnell.


Wow...that is one terrifying list.

If I only had to watch "Liar, Liar" and "Pet Detective", I'd sit through a Shadyac "festival". They're better than "Event Horizon" and "Resident Evil".

Note that that list has a LOT of directors who come from a heavy TV background. Not surprising.
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#18
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1/14/05 at 5:34pm
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I'll just put the link to the next strip, due to some language, nothing we haven't heard in a Southpark episode though:

http://www.penny-arcade.com/docs/1-3-05.jpg
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#19
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1/15/05 at 6:54am
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Event Horizon (Even if it is a remake of Disney's The Black Hole, and Mortal Kombat)
Quote:
Event Horizon....It was hellraiser meets The Black Hole


Reading these comparisons for Event Horizon surprised me. I guess no one has seen the "bad" movie, Galaxy of Terror which I would make my EH comparison to.
Quote:
As a lone spaceship proceeds on its long voyage across space, the crew are surprised to encounter a strange pyramid form. Surprise turns to horror as one by one, they discover that their darkest nightmares are all starting to become real. The pyramid has to be behind it all somehow, but how can they save themselves from its influence?
Now substitute a spaceship returning from a black hole with a pyramid and what do you have?
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