What's the best way to approach the ladies? (1 Viewer)

[DustinLC]

Let's not fool ourselves and generalize too much.

There's a different between a girl who gets bombarding with guys on a regular basis than a girl who has been waiting for a guy to approach her for years.

The girls I've had committed relationship with including my wife would not have given just any guy the "whatever" approach. And I'm glad because I scored and others never had the chance . Perhaps they never made the effort.

 

[Zen Butler]

Gee, ya think.

All our advice was to the benefit of building up the thread author's confidence.

Differences in Women and the Labyrinth Within, is a whole 'nother chapter. A whole 'nother thread. Are any of us worthy to start that thread? I know, I wouldn't dare.

 

[DustinLC]

I know it was obvious Zen, I was just making a casual comment in respond to Lew and Leila comment that girls will look past all the initial flaws and give a guy a chance, and that none of the girls I have ever approached would have gave me the time if I didn't come off interesting in some way, via my looks, what I had to say, personality, manners, ect..

 

[Lew Crippen]

And don’t forget my qualification Dustin—I never got to know that girls who did not look past my obvious flaws—so my survey is skewed. I chose to concentrate on the ones that were interested in me—or at least gave me a chance. Funny how that works.

I still think that girls are better than guys in this respect.

 

[Leila Dougan]

The thing is, everybody has some appeal. You just live with yourself so you may not consider yourself appealing at all, but there are very few people on this earth who have absolutely zero redeeming qualities. And that's where the whole "be yourself" thing comes into play. Women will pick up on the parts they like, even if you don't have any idea what that may be.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Well certainly some girls DO require that extra effort to be made. But I really don't think it's as large a percentage as a lot of males seem to think. If it suits your personality, then by all means. There's nothing wrong with going the extra mile. But that's not to say that you'll live a lonely life and be buried in your grave with not a single soul to mourn for you if you don't. All I'm saying is that there's plenty of women who do not need you to do anything special in order to find you appealing.

For someone, like the OP, where being cool does not come naturally, it's good to know that you're not doomed forever. Just meet enough girls by being "yourself" and you'll find at least one who'll find you most attractive.

 

[Zen Butler]

Dustin, I know and I'm sorry. I made a mountain out of a molehill, just for the sake of a laugh. Although, there is some truth to my post.

 

[DeathStar1]

For instance, I started dating my husband after discovering we both bought the same exact video card to put in the new PCs we were building.>>>

Ahh, a girl who loves technology. That would be a requirment in somone I'd like to meet. Someone who I could colaborate on computer projects, understand my web buisness, and work together with on 3D Max would be fun .

Are there more like you out there? .

Maby I should get a job in a computer company and start chatting up the customers. Instant conversation starter .

 

[Citizen87645]

Along the same lines as the woman who loves technology is the one who loves sci-fi and fantasy. I was discussing this with a friend of mine in relation to placing a personal ad and I decided "Geeky Goddess" would be a good headline for her.

 

[Holadem]

But will he find them attractive? How you gonna make my man look like he ain't got no options?

--
H

 

[DustinLC]

I love how we refer to the "original poster", "my man" instead of Neil. That just to show how much we really care about you Neil .

I'm getting a sense of Deja Vu. We must of discussed this many times over the years.

Life really suck in this way. There were times in our life where I we were dying to meet someone just by the appeal of "love at first sight" kind of deal but never had the guts to talk to that person.

Look, there's someone perfect for each one of us. That we can agree on. Tom Cruise has more choices than most of us (ok, who am I kidding, all of us ). However, wouldn't you agree that the best way to have options is to develop the skill to meet a lot of people and get to know as many as possible. Being yourself (again not necessary means you Neil) might not give you those options to meet that special someone if being yourself never got you anywhere and repulsive to a majority of women. Not too different than developing new skills to get a better job and to have more job options to choose from.

None of us are suggesting Neil go out and reinvent himself, simply that he start talking to people of all kind in that area and start to get the feel of just approaching people and talk naturally. He'll learn all sort of things from the experience and in the process gain confidence. So instead of just spending all that energy planning on how to approach one particular girl, be all nervous about it, he'll be going from one to another just having conversation. There'll be no rejection and no ego damaged. In time, he bounds to meet that special someone and then he can come back to us for part II .

 

[Danny Tse]

Tom Cruise has been twice divorced as well....

 

[DustinLC]

Danny, let's worry about getting the girl first and the leave the divorce to another thread .

By the way, I've been meaning to ask if you majored in nutrition at Cal?

 

[Citizen87645]

This is definitely an everpresent topic in After Hours. Maybe we should have a sticky thread titled "Dating Advice" or we can contribute to "A Primer for Home Theater Forum Members Wanting A Date."

Not being guiltless of starting a similar kind of thread myself, I can confirm the benefit of just being friendly with people. It hasn't necessarily resulted in dates or what most would consider "results" but ultimately for me it's just about getting out of my shell. I suppose part of it is current priorities - not being to find someone for "forever" but to just meet people, make friends, whether they be male or female. If one turns into something more, that's a bonus. It's hard to see it as such when so much around us says it's a necessity.

 

[Ted Lee]

i wonder how open we would all be if we were in a room together....

 

[DaveGTP]

(RATHER LENGTHY POST HERE)

I think Leila has been speaking quite wisely. I claim no superiority or vast experience in the dating world - I'm a scrawny geek type. I was the kid that got picked on, kicked around on the bus, etc, etc etc.
I do know that I managed to get married to a great girl in June that is more obsessed with anime than I ever will be, plays videogames (albeit with a short attention span), and is pretty hot, although not in a typical stuck-up-blonde-wench sort of way (which I hate).

My friends are all still unmarried, and often single. They were all more popular, and are much more good looking for the most part (at least in the body frame / muscular department. God only knows what kinds of faces women find attractive. I think I look like a shmuck. ) My buddies never get anywhere significant because they look for the wrong kinds of girls.


Neil V, your initial post reminded me of my buddy Andrew for some reason, who never has any "luck with the ladies". I feel his problem is mainly due to not knowing what kinds of women he is compatible with - not enough experience. He thus pursues the hottest, often self-absorbed women, not understanding that it isn't going to get him anywhere.



Neil, I lurk and post here @ HTF way too much (nothing to do at work, many days). This is my primary message board, and primary thing to do while burning time at work. I've seen enough of your posts to hazard a guess that you are probably not the typical J6P average dude.


I agree with the criticism of the "being confident" schtick. That's a bullshit solution. Sorry, no offense guys. It's a true observation, 100% true about a majority of women liking confident guys, but totally 100% non-applicable as a solution. You can't just learn to be confident without some sort of success in some sort of relationship... you need enough to know that you are actually worthy and/or capable of holding a woman's attention. And you can't get that without experience. 100% Viscious cycle.

I will go with my standard approach to my friend in similiar situations.

I totally agree with Leila. Listen to Leila. She speaks very wisely, and from a very useful perspective (the womens' side!)


ACTION PORTION OF THE MESSAGE
You're not going to find your kind of woman at some bar, or out in the general population. Even if you do pick up somebody, it's never going to go anywhere, really, as long as you are maintaining a fiction of someone you aren't (like Leila said). I try to tell my friends : why are you trying to pick up some chick in a bar, that when they find out you played D&D when you were younger, or that you like to watch anime, or that you like to play videogames, they'll have no respect for it, or you?


I advise: go places where you can find women that enjoy the same things as you. For me and my friends, it'd be a coffeehouse, anime convention, Ren-Fair, etc etc to find a Geek Goddess (good term guys ). Yeah, perhaps there will be a lot of competition from other guys - women tend to be outnumbered in Geeky situations/environments. But you always have something to offer.


And that way, even if you don't pick up a girl, you still enjoyed yourself. That is what is important, first and foremost. And you didn't waste any of your time on women you would end up not really liking anyway

PS - I'll see if I can get my wife Stacey to get in on this thread. She is probably more useful than just another guy.

 

[Zen Butler]

theted, did you get c-blocked your whole vacation? You'za a horny bear as of late.

 

[Citizen87645]

Good advice Dave.

 

[Ryan Tsang]

Leila is the one making the most sense here. I truly believe her non-shallow approach to what she finds attractive in a man is the norm. Too many guys think they have to look/walk/talk and act like those guys slick beer commercials in order to meet women. In fact, I'll bet it's the guys not trying too hard to meet women are the ones finding them.

DaveGTP: I read your long post but it was worth it. You're pretty wise too!

 

[Pamela]

Leila, you are a better woman than I. While I don't find the cool, suave type (read: full of themselves) appealing, body odor and a trashy mouth would be a definite turn-off. Men who are have good hygiene and who are articulate are at the top of my list. Well, different strokes for different folks, I guess!