The Turnip---my rip of The Onion with my articles

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by Jeff Rogers, Sep 15, 2001.

  1. Jeff Rogers

    Jeff Rogers Second Unit

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    GOD LOSES ANTI-TRUST SUIT.
    CREATOR OF ALL TO BE SPLIT INTO 2 DIFFERENT ENTITIES
    CITING MONOPOLIZATION OF UNIVERSE AND UNFAIR DISADVANTAGE TO NEW AND EMERGING GODS, CALIFORNIA DISTRICT JUDGE RANDALL REGANDS DECLARED THAT GOD-LORD OF HEAVEN, HELL AND ALL THAT IS MUST BE SPLIT INTO 2
    ENTITIES.
    "GOD.....FOR WHAT HAS BEEN ALL OF ETERNITY HAS KNOWINGLY AND WITHOUT REMORSE...CORNERED THE PRAYER AND ANSWERING MARKET.....FORCING PEOPLE AT NIGHT TO START PRAYERS WITH.."DEAR GOD"..IN PLAIN ENGLISH THATS JUST NOT FAIR" SAID JUDGE REGANDS.
    " WHERE IS THE COMPETITION?!...ULTURA, LORD OF THE DREAM REALM HAS HAD TO CLOSE SHOP DUE TO GOD.....SO HAS BORTANO-GOD OF WIND AND FIRE. THIS WE CANNOT HAVE. THE SPECIFICS OF THIS LANDMARK CASE ARE NOT YET KNOWN..WHAT IS KNOWN IS THAT THE INFRASTUCTURE OF THE NEW ENTITIES IS DECIDED UPONALREADY.
    ONE GOD WILL CONTINUE TO HANDLE AND ANSWER PRAYER IN THE SAME MANNER AS IT IS BEING HANDLED RIGHT NOW. THE OTHER GOD WILL NOW BE IN CHARGE OF JUDGING THE RIGHTEOUS AND CONDEMNING PEOPLE TO ETERNAL HELL.
    LOCAL COMPETING GOD AND RULER OF THE SUN "RA" HAD THIS TO SAY
    "WELL...ITS ABOUT TIME. MY BUISNESS HAS DECREASED 53% IN THE LAST THREE FISCAL YEARS. AND YOU KNOW WHEN PRAYER VOLUME IS DOWN, SO IS THE MONEY-AND WE HAVE TO RAISE PRICES FOR EVERYONE...AND HE HAD IT COMING....STRUTTING HIS STUFF ALL THE TIME..SEVEN DAYS THIS......SEVEN DAYS THAT"
    PEOPLE WORLDWIDE ARE COMPARING THIS TO THE INFAMOUS AT&T MONOPOLY OF THE 80'S IN WHICH THE SMALLER BELL COMPANIES WRE FORMED. ATTORNEY FOR GOD JACOB SCHRAM ISSUED A PRESS STATEMENT THIS AFTERNOON TO CALM
    THE GENERAL PUBLIC DOWN ALONG WITH THE GOD SHAREHOLDERS.
    "GOD IS VERY DISPLEASED WITH THE OUTCOME OF THIS CASE AND YES...HE WILL PLAN ON APPEALING THIS CASE TO A HIGHER COURT. IS IT IS MY CLIENTS FAULT THAT PEOPLE PREFER HIS TENDER LOVE AND MERCY OVER OTHERS?. MAYBE IF THE OTHER
    GODS DID A BETTER JOB AT LOVING THEIR SERVANTS THEY WOULD HAVE A BIGGER MARKET SHARE"
    GOD ALSO ISSUED A STATEMENT THAT THE UPGRADE TO GOD ME WILL NOT BE HALTED
    CRITICS FEAR THAT THIS CASE IS FAR FROM OVER AS THE 2 GOD COMPANIES WILL COMPETE IN THE COMING MONTHS OVER WHICH WILL BE HAVE THE LUCRATIVE JOB OF DESTROYING THE EARTH
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    If I could go back in time, I'd meet Snoopy
    [Edited last by Jeff Rogers on September 15, 2001 at 03:26 PM]
     
  2. SteveGon

    SteveGon Executive Producer

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    Funny stuff! [​IMG] This coming from a big fan of the Onion. Hmmmm, is this thread gonna be closed?
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    He thought on homeland, the big timber, the air thin and chill all the year long. Tulip poplars so big through the trunk they put you in mind of locomotives set on end. He thought of getting home and building him a cabin on Cold Mountain so high that not a soul but the nighthawks passing across the clouds in autumn could hear his sad cry. Of living a life so quiet he would not need ears. And if Ada would go with him, there might be the hope, so far off in the distance he did not even really see it, that in time his despair might be honed off to a point so fine and thin that it would be nearly the same as vanishing.
    -- Charles Frazier, Cold Mountain
     
  3. Jeff Rogers

    Jeff Rogers Second Unit

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    I hope not. It's not my intent to start a religous debate with this thing.... And how can somemone argue this..."No...I think God should stay one entity?" I made this 9 months ago and found it. Just thought I'd throw it up. Not anywhere near my intent to frazzle anyone with this [​IMG]
     
  4. Brian Harnish

    Brian Harnish Screenwriter

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    ROTFLMAO!!! That is hilarious. Looking forward to some more stuff from The Turnip. [​IMG]
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    - Brian
    My DVD Collection
    Want Sliders on DVD? Then please SIGN the petition!
     

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