Need to find this joke/story... Please help!

Discussion in 'Archived Threads 2001-2004' started by Mike Wegimont, Sep 20, 2001.

  1. Mike Wegimont

    Mike Wegimont Stunt Coordinator

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 1999
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    0
    About a year or two ago, someone sent me this story about a guy that stayed in a hotel and had problem with the maid's SOAP DELIVERY. I was one of the funniest things I've ever read. Would you happen to know where I can find it?
    Here's a good one for ya:
    A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no
    way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100....
    Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
    "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
    The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
    "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
     
  2. Mike Wegimont

    Mike Wegimont Stunt Coordinator

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 1999
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    0
    Found it:
    Hotel Soap Opera
    The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!
    Dear Maid,
    Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
    Thank you,
    S. Berman
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Room 635,
    I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today as my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
    Kathy, Relief Maid
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Maid -
    I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when I shave, brush teeth, etc. Please remove them.
    S. Berman
    ------------------------------------------------------- --
    Dear Mr. Berman,
    My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed to by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
    Your regular maid, Dotty
    ------------------------------------------------------- --
    Dear Mr. Berman,
    The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
    Thank you.
    Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
    --------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Miss Carmen,
    It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
    S. Berman
    ------------------------------------------------------- -
    Dear Mr. Berman,
    Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
    Thank you,
    Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
    ----------------------------------------------------- -
    Dear Mr. Kensedder,
    My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
    S. Berman
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Mr. Berman,
    I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
    Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
    ------------------------------------------------------ --
    Dear Mrs. Carmen,
    Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
    S. Berman
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dear Mr. Berman,
    You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
    Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
    ------------------------------------------------------- -
    Dear Mrs. Carmen,
    Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
    * On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4
    stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
    * On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4
    and 1 stack of 3.
    * On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere
    Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in
    2 stacks of 4.
    * Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of
    4 and 1 stack of 2.
    * In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
    * On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet,
    slightly used.
    * On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks
    of 3.
    Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is notin use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. Onemore item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I amkeeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
    S. Berman
     
  3. Tom Rags

    Tom Rags Supporting Actor

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2001
    Messages:
    577
    Likes Received:
    1
    This sounds like the work of Mr. Ted L. Nancy of Thousand Oaks, California. If it isn't him, it is a cheap knockoff of him. If you think the previous letters were funny, "you ain't seen nothing yet." Do yourself a favor and buy any of the "Letter's from a Nut" books by Mr. Ted Nancy. They are a collection of letters to various business/organizations/dignitaries and the subsequent responses to these letters. I assure you, they are some of the funniest things you will EVER read. Nancy does things like write hotels to make reservations but to inform them of various stipulations about his stay; in some cases he writes odd companies to tell them how much he enjoys their product. He'll write to universites to "confirm" his speaking engagement to tell his story as "Pip the Mighty Squeak," a 3 foot tall circus performer....etc, etc. Sometimes the responses are funnier than the letters he sends because the recipient has to take the letter seriously (after all, who the hell would write a letter as bizarre as these as a joke?). The fact is, Mr. Ted Nancy does. There are some rumors that Ted Nancy is actually Jerry Seinfeld since he has written the foreward to each of the books.
    FIND THESE BOOKS AND READ THEM!!! You will not be disappointed. [​IMG]
     

Share This Page