Need some serious advice here (yet another dating thread). (1 Viewer)

[Eric_L]

You are right about it being fun is a twisted way. IT is a good idea.

 

[Eric_L]

You are right about it being fun is a twisted way. IT is a good idea.

 

[Mike Broadman]

Well, I'm glad it worked for you, but I can't agree with this advice. Dating isn't a business transaction- there's nothing wrong with respectfully falling into the "tradition" gender roles, which means that we pay, hold doors open, decide where to go and what to do, etc, for the most part.

I would, however, suggest keeping the first and second date relatively simple- nothing extravagant. You're just looking to get to know someone. You do the fancy stuff for someone you care about.

Admittedly, I would like to learn how to have a girl pay for a date and still have her like me. In my experience, that's a girl who doesn't think very highly of herself, and then who wants to bother with her?

 

[Mike Broadman]

Well, I'm glad it worked for you, but I can't agree with this advice. Dating isn't a business transaction- there's nothing wrong with respectfully falling into the "tradition" gender roles, which means that we pay, hold doors open, decide where to go and what to do, etc, for the most part.

I would, however, suggest keeping the first and second date relatively simple- nothing extravagant. You're just looking to get to know someone. You do the fancy stuff for someone you care about.

Admittedly, I would like to learn how to have a girl pay for a date and still have her like me. In my experience, that's a girl who doesn't think very highly of herself, and then who wants to bother with her?

 

[AjayM]

Like most things in life it's all attitude, dating and relationships are a crapshoot, there are literally millions of singles out there, the chances that you find one that you like and are compatible with and the other person to you are not much better than playing the lotto.

However, when you meet/talk with somebody you can usually tell in the first few minutes how that person is "feeling", how "needy" they are, etc. Basically if you have the "I can't get any women" attitude, you aren't going to have any success. If you "play the game" thinking you will win, you will most certainly have better results. Instead of approaching a woman thinking "Gee, I hope she'll give me her number" or "Gee, I hope she actually talks to me for more than 2 minutes" you need to have the attitude of "I wonder if we should go to dinner or the movies on our 3rd date" or "I can't wait to find out what she's wearing under that skirt".

Think of the "game" as a simple business transaction. You are trying to "sell" yourself to another person. What does it take for them to "buy"?

Andrew

 

[AjayM]

Like most things in life it's all attitude, dating and relationships are a crapshoot, there are literally millions of singles out there, the chances that you find one that you like and are compatible with and the other person to you are not much better than playing the lotto.

However, when you meet/talk with somebody you can usually tell in the first few minutes how that person is "feeling", how "needy" they are, etc. Basically if you have the "I can't get any women" attitude, you aren't going to have any success. If you "play the game" thinking you will win, you will most certainly have better results. Instead of approaching a woman thinking "Gee, I hope she'll give me her number" or "Gee, I hope she actually talks to me for more than 2 minutes" you need to have the attitude of "I wonder if we should go to dinner or the movies on our 3rd date" or "I can't wait to find out what she's wearing under that skirt".

Think of the "game" as a simple business transaction. You are trying to "sell" yourself to another person. What does it take for them to "buy"?

Andrew

 

[Jeff Ulmer]

Did you arrange otherwise, or were you expecting something more for your investment? It is not uncommon for the man to pick up the tab...

 

[Jeff Ulmer]

Did you arrange otherwise, or were you expecting something more for your investment? It is not uncommon for the man to pick up the tab...

 

[Citizen87645]

The last couple dates I was on I wanted to pay but they wouldn't let me. So we split it. One of the women had lived in San Francisco for awhile and apparently splitting the bill was more common (at least in her experience).

Growing up in a Chinese family where fighting over the bill becomes this big show, I've developed a real distaste for putting up a fight to pay it all myself. If someone offers to pay part I'll say "no" once; if they insist I give in. This goes for both dates and time with friends.

 

[Citizen87645]

The last couple dates I was on I wanted to pay but they wouldn't let me. So we split it. One of the women had lived in San Francisco for awhile and apparently splitting the bill was more common (at least in her experience).

Growing up in a Chinese family where fighting over the bill becomes this big show, I've developed a real distaste for putting up a fight to pay it all myself. If someone offers to pay part I'll say "no" once; if they insist I give in. This goes for both dates and time with friends.

 

[Citizen87645]

So what do folks think about the David DeAngelo stuff? It seems a little "Frank Mackey" to me, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to read.

 

[Citizen87645]

So what do folks think about the David DeAngelo stuff? It seems a little "Frank Mackey" to me, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to read.

 

[Pamela]

It does happen. I find that most men, however, feel the need to pay the bill. One man I went out with always picked up the tab. When I wanted to take him to dinner, he had a cow. Finally he relented, but afterwards said he'd never do that again.

I try to pick up the tab some of the time, and if he pays for dinner, I'll try to get the dessert and coffee, parking, movie tickets, etc. But some men just seem to be threatened by it.

 

[Pamela]

It does happen. I find that most men, however, feel the need to pay the bill. One man I went out with always picked up the tab. When I wanted to take him to dinner, he had a cow. Finally he relented, but afterwards said he'd never do that again.

I try to pick up the tab some of the time, and if he pays for dinner, I'll try to get the dessert and coffee, parking, movie tickets, etc. But some men just seem to be threatened by it.

 

[Jason Pancake]

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Read every single one of the articles from Doc Love's column. This man has it figured out. It's all about maximizing a woman's interest level in you by being a challenge. Confidence is the key, gentlemen.

Be sure to click on "More Archives" to get more articles.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove/index.html

 

[Jason Pancake]

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Read every single one of the articles from Doc Love's column. This man has it figured out. It's all about maximizing a woman's interest level in you by being a challenge. Confidence is the key, gentlemen.

Be sure to click on "More Archives" to get more articles.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove/index.html

 

[Michael D. Bunting]

Challenge is definitely the key.

I went out with a girl about a month ago and she absolutley floored me. She was beautiful, smart, funny, and we each were interested in a lot of the same things. We were really hitting it off great and the date lasted all evening (after originally only planning for coffee).

I was still awestruck a couple of days after our first date. Trouble is, she knew that I was too, and that turned her off. How did she know? Well, I was stupid and told her that I thought she was great and I wanted to get to know her a lot better. The next time we talked after that she flat out told me that I was great but that she also wanted a challenge, and I didn't give her that, well...because I'm stupid :frowning:

I have now done this twice in my life. And it backfired each time. I guess I know now. Those are still the only two girls I would consider marrying today.

 

[Michael D. Bunting]

Challenge is definitely the key.

I went out with a girl about a month ago and she absolutley floored me. She was beautiful, smart, funny, and we each were interested in a lot of the same things. We were really hitting it off great and the date lasted all evening (after originally only planning for coffee).

I was still awestruck a couple of days after our first date. Trouble is, she knew that I was too, and that turned her off. How did she know? Well, I was stupid and told her that I thought she was great and I wanted to get to know her a lot better. The next time we talked after that she flat out told me that I was great but that she also wanted a challenge, and I didn't give her that, well...because I'm stupid :frowning:

I have now done this twice in my life. And it backfired each time. I guess I know now. Those are still the only two girls I would consider marrying today.

 

[Mike Broadman]

Pamela, FWIW, if a woman does insist on paying or treating me, I won't fight, because I understand that can come off as being too showy or macho. But many of us are traditional in many ways and the "default" behaviour is that men pay.

The other week on a first date we took the subway (sounds cheesy but too practical in NY). She took out her wallet and I just said, "Please, don't take your wallet out for the remainder of the evening," in a friendly way. She complied and we had a lovely time.

I never let my last long-term gf pay for anything because I was doing much, much better off financially.


Michael, don't beat yourself up, Lord knows many of us can relate. After a date or two, when you see promise in a woman, you start to feel so much hope and optimism, and you don't know her long enough to notice or dwell on her faults, you just burst out with actions and words of affection, and you shoot yourself in the foot.
I'm at that stage now (with the afore-mentioned subway wallet girl) and, through bitter experience and cold logic, am expressing restraint by only calling her to arrange dates/meetings, not verbally expressing too much affection (a very occassional well-timed compliment and treating her like a lady is more than enough), being the one to end kisses, etc. Just like men have to restrict their physical urges, we must restrain our emotional displays.

Ain't love torture?

 

[Mike Broadman]

Pamela, FWIW, if a woman does insist on paying or treating me, I won't fight, because I understand that can come off as being too showy or macho. But many of us are traditional in many ways and the "default" behaviour is that men pay.

The other week on a first date we took the subway (sounds cheesy but too practical in NY). She took out her wallet and I just said, "Please, don't take your wallet out for the remainder of the evening," in a friendly way. She complied and we had a lovely time.

I never let my last long-term gf pay for anything because I was doing much, much better off financially.


Michael, don't beat yourself up, Lord knows many of us can relate. After a date or two, when you see promise in a woman, you start to feel so much hope and optimism, and you don't know her long enough to notice or dwell on her faults, you just burst out with actions and words of affection, and you shoot yourself in the foot.
I'm at that stage now (with the afore-mentioned subway wallet girl) and, through bitter experience and cold logic, am expressing restraint by only calling her to arrange dates/meetings, not verbally expressing too much affection (a very occassional well-timed compliment and treating her like a lady is more than enough), being the one to end kisses, etc. Just like men have to restrict their physical urges, we must restrain our emotional displays.

Ain't love torture?