I feel the need for Ni! (1 Viewer)

[Ken Wagner]

Only a Python fan would understand the title of this thread. This is one of my all time favorite movies but man do you guys have the working scripts for these sketches or just too much time on your hands? By the way......
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

 

[Ken Wagner]

Only a Python fan would understand the title of this thread. This is one of my all time favorite movies but man do you guys have the working scripts for these sketches or just too much time on your hands? By the way......
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

 

[Rob Lutter]

It's called www.google.com
"It's.........."

 

[Jeff Cooper]

Nu!

No, No, you're not doing it properly. It's Ni! Ni! at the back of the throat.

 

[Steve Christou]

BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass!
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass!
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
ARTHUR: So be it!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
ARTHUR: You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
[hah]
[parry thrust]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
[kneeling]
We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
[Black Knight kicks ARTHUR in the head while he is praying]
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
ARTHUR: What?
BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
ARTHUR: Look!
BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
[Headbutts ARTHUR in the chest]
ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
[whop][ARTHUR chops of the BLACK KNIGHT'S right leg]
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR: You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you!Come on then.
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

 

[Bernhard]

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between... Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Mineburg.
BRIAN:
Want some...
VOICE:
Thank you, fellows.
BRIAN:
Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguars' earlobes. Wolf nipple chips. Get 'em while they're hot. They're lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar. Tuscany fried bats.
JUDITH:
I do feel, Reg, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base.
REG:
Agreed. Francis?
FRANCIS:
Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man--
STAN:
Or woman.
FRANCIS:
Or woman... to rid himself--
STAN:
Or herself.
FRANCIS:
Or herself.
REG:
Agreed.
FRANCIS:
Thank you, brother.
STAN:
Or sister.
FRANCIS:
Or sister. Where was I?
REG:
I think you'd finished.
FRANCIS:
Oh. Right.
REG:
Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man--
STAN:
Or woman.
REG:
Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.
STAN:
Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
FRANCIS:
Why are you always on about women, Stan?
STAN:
I want to be one.

REG:
What?
STAN:
I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
REG:
What?!
LORETTA:
It's my right as a man.

JUDITH:
Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
LORETTA:
I want to have babies.
REG:
You want to have babies?!
LORETTA:
It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
REG:
But... you can't have babies.
LORETTA:
Don't you oppress me.
REG:
I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!
LORETTA:
[crying]
JUDITH:
Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.
FRANCIS:
Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.
REG:
What's the point?
FRANCIS:
What?
REG:
What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!
FRANCIS:
It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
REG:
Symbolic of his struggle against reality.
[trumpets]
[clap clap clap]

 

[Steve Christou]

Host (John Cleese): Good evening. One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed of any age, is Sir Edward Ross, back in his native country for the first time in five years to open a season of his works at the National Film Theatre, and we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in this studio tonight.
Ross (Graham Chapman): Good evening.
Host: Edward... you don't mind if I call you Edward?
Ross: No, not at all.
Host: Because it does worry some people - I don't know why - but they are a little sensitive so I take the precaution of asking on these occasions.
Ross: No, that's fine.
Host: So Edward's all right. Splendid. I'm sorry to have brought it up.
Ross: No, no, please. Edward it is.
Host: Well thank you very much for being so helpful. And it's more than my job's worth to, er...
Ross: Yes, quite.
Host: Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport - put the other person at his ease...
Ross: Quite.
Host: Silly little point but it does seem to matter. Still, er, least said the better. Ted, when you first started you... I hope you don't mind if I call you Ted, er, I mean as opposed to Edward?
Ross: No, no, everyone calls me Ted.
Host: Well of course it's shorter, isn't it.
Ross: Yes it is.
Host: And much less formal!
Ross: Yes, Ted, Edward or anything!
Host: Thank you. Um, incidentally, do call me Tom. I don't want you bothering with this 'Thomas' nonsense! Ha ha ha ha! Now where were we? Ah yes. Eddie Baby, when you first started in the...
Ross: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called "Eddie Baby".
Host: What?
Ross: I don't like being called "Eddie Baby".
Host: (pause) Did I call you "Eddie Baby"?
Ross: Yes, you did! Now if you could get on with the interview...
Host: I don't think I did call you "Eddie Baby".
Ross: You did!
Host: Did I call him "Eddie Baby"?
[Audience murmurs 'yes' etc.]
Host: I didn't really call you "Eddie Baby", did I, sweetie?
Ross: Don't call me "sweetie"!
Host: Can I call you "sugar plum"?
Ross: No.
Host: "Pussycat"?
Ross: No!
Host: "Angel drawers"?
Ross: No you may not! Get on with it!
Host: Can I call you "Frank"?
Ross (suspiciously): Why "Frank"?
Host: It's a nice name. Richard Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank.
Ross: What IS going on?
Host: Now Frank -- Fran -- Frannie -- little Frannie pooh...
Ross: No. I'm leaving. I'm off. I'm going. I've never... (exits)
Host (loudly): Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.
Ross (nearly offstage): What?
Host: Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so very kind.
Ross: None of this "Pussycat" nonsense?
Host: Promise. (Pats seat next to him.) Please, Sir Edward.
Ross: My latest film?
Host: Yes, Sir Edward.
Ross: Well the idea, funnily enough, is based on an idea I had when I first joined the industry in 1919. Of course, in those days I was only the tea boy and...
Host: OH SHUT UP!

 

[Keith Paynter]

This is my only line...

 

[Chuck Parker]

"I object to all this sex on the television, I keep falling off!"



AllanN - I thought we were the only Python-literate scout troop out there - our improvised renditions of the Holy Grail bridge scene were legendary....



-chuck

 

[Scott_G]

ARTHUR:
Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite.
ROBIN:
Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
ARTHUR:
Oh, shut up and go and change your armour.

GALAHAD:
Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
ARTHUR:
Like what?
GALAHAD:
Well... ooh.
LAUNCELOT:
Have we got bows?
ARTHUR:
No.
LAUNCELOT:
We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
ARTHUR:
Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
MONKS: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

ARTHUR:
How does it, um-- how does it work?
LAUNCELOT:
I know not, my liege.
ARTHUR:
Consult the Book of Armaments!
BROTHER MAYNARD:
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
SECOND BROTHER:
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.'

And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
MAYNARD:
Skip a bit, Brother.
SECOND BROTHER:
And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
MAYNARD:
Amen.
KNIGHTS:
Amen.
ARTHUR:
Right!

One!... Two!... Five!
GALAHAD:
Three, sir!
ARTHUR:
Three!
[rabbit dies]

 

[jeff lam]

Nu!

Andrew, That's what I was going to say.

 

[John Spencer]

I'd like to buy a book, please.

 

[Steve Christou]

A Hungarian tourist walks into a tobbaconists. The tourist is reading a phrase book.

Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.
Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched.
Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes (holds up a pack).
Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels (pretends to strike a match).
Clerk: Ahh, matches!
Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Clerk: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.
Hungarian: You great poof.
Clerk: (annoyed) That'll be six and six, please.
Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? ...I am no longer infected.
Clerk: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through it)...Costs six and six...ah, here we are.
(The Hungarian punches the clerk.)
Cop: What's going on here then?
Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.
Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?
Clerk: He hit me!
Hungarian: Drop your panties, I cannot wait till lunchtime.
(points at clerk)
Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)
Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!

 

[John Thomas]

Issues, man, issues.

 

[Dave Gorman]

First Pepperpot: Well, what's on the telly-vision then?

(pause)

Second Pepperpot: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a penguin.

(pause)

First Pepperpot: No no no no! I didn't mean what's on the telly-vision set. I meant what program?

Second Pepperpot: Oh

Both Pepperpots: (singing, mumbled) I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair.

Second Pepperpot: Funny that penguin being there, isn't it?

First Pepperpot: What's it doin' there?

Second Pepperpot: Standin'!

First Pepperpot: I can see that!

(pause)

First Pepperpot: If it lays an egg, it will fall down the back of the telly-vision set.

Second Pepperpot: We'll have to watch that.

First Pepperpot: Mmmmmm

Second Pepperpot: Unless it's a male.

First Pepperpot: Ooh, I never thought of that.

Second Pepperpot: Yes. It looks fairly butch.

(pause)

First Pepperpot: Per'aps it comes from next door.

Second Pepperpot: (yelling) Penguins don't come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!

First Pepperpot: (yet louder) BURMA!!!

(They both stop short, looking around)

Second Pepperpot: Why'd'j say Burma?

First Pepperpot: I panicked.

Second Pepperpot: Oh.

(Pause)

Second Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from the zoo.

First Pepperpot: Which zoo?

Second Pepperpot: (angrily) How should I know which zoo?!? I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky!!

First Pepperpot: How does Doctor bloody Bernofsky know which zoo it came from?

Second Pepperpot: He knows everything.

First Pepperpot: Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life.

(pause)

First Pepperpot: Anyway, if it came from the zoo, it'd have 'property of the zoo' stamped on it.

Second Pepperpot: No it wouldn't! They don't stamp animals 'property of the zoo'!! You couldn't stamp a huge lion!!

First Pepperpot: (confidently) They stamp them when they're small.

Second Pepperpot: (snapping back) What happens when they moult?

First Pepperpot: Lions don't moult.

Second Pepperpot: No, but penguins do. THERE! I've run rings around you logically.

First Pepperpot: (looks at the camera) OOOOH! INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!!

(The television warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk)

Man: (Terry Jones) Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.

(The penguin explodes)

First Pepperpot: How did 'e know that was going to happen?!

Man: It was an inspired guess.

 

[Keith Paynter]

I've noticed this thread has had the distinct tendancy to become silly.

Now...nobody likes a good laugh more than I do - except perhaps my wife, and some of her friends...oh yes, and Capt. Johnson. Come to think of it, most people enjoy a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point!

I'm warning this thread not to get silly again!


Yours, etc.,

Col. Walter Wall Carpeting (Mrs.)