How important is sex in a marriage? (2 Viewers)

[Ryan Wright]

At that point I realised what (or more importantly - who) was important in my life and who wasn't.

It's unfortunate you had to learn in such a hard way. I learned at the expense of my parents when I watched their marriage fall apart (they're still "married", if you can call sleeping in separate rooms and splitting the bills 50/50 "marriage").

 

[Justin Lane]

Jeff,

Run! Run!!

From all of the married men I have talked with, sex only decreases once you get married. If you are getting it once a month now, figure on twice a year after being married.

I know it can be tough breaking up with someone, especially if it was your first, but you will save yourself grief in the long run and a lifetime of misery. A partner who is not considerate or in tune with your desires is not a good partner. View this a learning experience and move on.

J

 

[Ted Lee]

i like that quote about 10% for a healthy relationship, 90% for an unhealthy one.

how is your relationship outside of the sexual realm? are you happy otherwise? do you feel like (if sex wasn't an issue) that there would be no worries? do you enjoy eachother's company...just being around eachother?

i guess what i'm getting at is sex can be important, but everyone is different, and only you can decide if it's gonna be a make-or-break deal.

my girlriend and i have been dating for about 4 years now. at first we had lots and lots of sex...like a couple times a day. now, it's tapered off significantly....like maybe a few times a month. but it's not that important to myself (and i guess) not to her. we have so much else going on that it never really enters the picture. but we love eachother and everything is pretty great.

also, don't feel too bad about yourself. it's not that you're doing anything wrong...it's just a conflict. since it sounds like you're gonna go the distance with her you may as well get used to this type of stuff.

 

[Jacinto]

I really like that quote too; the thinking that when things are bad between the two of you sex becomes that more important rings true to me.

Personally, I've never had the opinion that a bad sex life leads to problems in a relationship - I'd swear it's the other way around. Her about-face on sex isn't creating problems; other problems are creating her about-face on sex. When two people are on the same page emotionally, sex is great. When one or both parties are not emotionally satisfied, sex can be terrible.

The only times sex has slowed down in our marriage was when A) we had a new baby and we were both exhausted and my wife's hormones were out of whack for a while, and when B) my wife's mother died and she was an emotional wreck and completely depressed for quite some time. Even then, it sounds like we had a much higher frequency than you and your girlfriend.

As for sex decreasing after marriage, that's just part of marriage's bad rep in the modern world. If you're still a virgin on your wedding day (like I was), your sex life will improve DRAMATICALLY once you're married.

 

[CaseyLS]

God, I hope so

 

[Tony Whalen]

God, I hope so

At the risk of being insensitive:





Sorry... couldn't resist..

 

[Philip Hamm]

I just wanted to comment on Leila Dougan's post from before.

Also, you may recommend she reads Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...=books&n=507846) the BEST book I have ever read on the subject. Even if she does not actively chart (you really can't do it accurately while on hormonal BC), she will gain a wealth of information which can really calm her fears and let her know what's normal and what might indicate pregnancy.

It's good for any couple that is seriously considering marriage to study fertility knowledge and charting. It may seem like "her" thing, but it's important for you as theman to know all about it and help with the charting and knowledge. It's about as intimiate as you can get. Once you get talking about subjects like temperatures and some of the patterns, talking about finances or where to go for Thanksgiving seems much less intimidating.

 

[KerryK]

The Pill is absolutely horrible. Knowing what I know about it now I can't imagine why anyone would voluntarily take it.

Well, I'm sure you know that people don't only take it for birth control. There are other legitimate medical reasons to take it. I myself am taking it for a non-BC reason. I think it's hard to question why someone does something related to their health unless you're in their shoes.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Kerry, I understand that too. In fact, I have a condition where the "solution" is to take hormonal BC. I'm in conflict, though, because they make me feel so horrible, yet I feel bad in other ways when I don't take them.

Every one has their reasons for doing what they do and I wasn't trying to imply that it's bad for everyone. I think, though, that people (particularly women) should understand fertility and the pros/cons of various BC methods so that they can make the best decision for themselves.

 

[Philip Hamm]

Every one has their reasons for doing what they do and I wasn't trying to imply that it's bad for everyone. I think, though, that people (particularly women) should understand fertility and the pros/cons of various BC methods so that they can make the best decision for themselves.

Once again, I agree. It all starts with true and comprehensive fertility awareness IMO. No matter what type of contraception anyone chooses, it's always good to know the natural way the body works, and the signs that it displays.

 

[KerryK]

I'm in conflict, though, because they make me feel so horrible, yet I feel bad in other ways when I don't take them.

I feel your pain. My worst side effect is actually kind of funny: I'm a vegetarian (since about 7 or 8 years) and I *crave* meat so badly when I'm on the pill. It hasn't gone away in almost a year! I'm DREADING the bbq season.

 

[Ashley Seymour]

Before getting married, I had that little thing way in the back of my head telling me that something wasn't quite right. I chose not to listen. My divorce was final last week.

My biggest mistakes come from not listening to that little voice in the back of my head. It is amazing how instinctive we are and able to read subtle things in a relationship.


My wife and her sister, though far apart in miles, are close. Her sister has only son who was an intelligent and very nice kid. Her nephew dated a girl in high school and they went away to college for two years. She finished her school and got a job and continued to date for two more years till he graduated. He got a good job out of college and had excellent career prospects - he has fullfilled them too. He took her out to dinner one night and proposed to her as he handed her a ring. The story was passed to me from him to his mother to my wife and to me over dinner one night. They were all surprised that the girl was frustrated, a little upset and responded with "this is all happening so fast." Like she had dated him for four or five years already.

At the table I told me wife that she had another boyfriend. My wife didn't believe mel, but when the kids were off playing I also told her that the girl was pregnant. Well she really didn't believe me now, so in a couple of days she called her sister. When she told her what I had said there was a period of silence. Her sister then asked her "how did he know?"

That little voice in the back of the head.

Anyway, it is amazing how well women can functin without sex. Not so for a man.

 

[Leila Dougan]

Jeff, something else occurred to me while reading your thread. You may want to check out the message boards at www.theregoesthebride.com. While there doesn't seem to be tons of activity and it's probably dominated with women, it might be helpful. The site (and book) act as support for calling off engagements and people who have been dumped. Maybe it would be helpful for you to talk message with people who are in the same position?

 

[David Materazzi]

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and had been married for about 1 year this June. The issue of sex has never been an issue for a seperation or a divorce. Sometimes she wants sex more than I do. Money is what makes us fight,actually our families is the main reason. But believe me, if the love is there nothing can stand in your way. Don't be a fool and cheat on her because you don't have sex with her every night. Our sex life has been great. Many people told me that you wont be having sex like you have been when you get married. WRONG! Sometimes its 3 or 4 times a week or more. It's depending on how feel at the end of the day. Maybe it's because we are still young 31 and 34 years old. But don't based your love for her on sex only. Over the last 8 years with this woman, deep inside our love burns for each other no matter what we fight about. We never went to bed made at each other. Sex will be a part of your marriage even if its a few times a week. Be happy, get married and have a beautiful family before you realize it's too late. Life's too short.

 

[Kevin Porter]

Well, in the words of the great Ariana and Craig:

SEX CAN WAIT
MASTURBATE

But seriously, speaking as a Christian, yes it's commonly believed that sex outside of marriage is wrong. Though I've known more than one Christian to have sex out of marriage. And the idea that the religious believe sex is only for reproduction is absurd. But speaking totally non-religiously, here are my justifications for abstinence.

1) If you only have sex with one person your whole life, you have nothing to compare it to.

2) You don't have to worry about getting pregnant or God forbid STDs.

3) Your heart is only so big. The more pieces you give to other women, the less you'll have to give to your wife.

 

[JamieD]

Anyway, it is amazing how well women can functin without sex. Not so for a man.

I disagree, but eh.

 

[Holadem]

Anyway, it is amazing how well women can functin without sex. Not so for a man.

I disagree as well. Every woman I have been with wanted to be screwed on a regular basis. To be fair, only once have I been in a long term relationship tho I have had many short ones. My female friends (all in their 20s) also confirm this. They might (note I said might) be less willing to have random encounters, or sex without attachement but once they are in a committed relationship (i.e. boyfriens), they want it often. If that goes away, something is amiss.

Now, I don't know what happens after marriage, perhaps it's some kind of social programing that says stop having fun. If so many guys think that sex dissapears after marriage, there must be some degree of truth to it.

--
Holadem

 

[Tony Whalen]

3) Your heart is only so big. The more pieces you give to other women, the less you'll have to give to your wife.

Uh.. sorry Kevin. I have to disagree with you rather strongly on that one. I don't love my wife any less because I had girlfriends prior to meeting her. And I don't place limits on the "size" of my heart.

 

[AjayM]

3) Your heart is only so big. The more pieces you give to other women, the less you'll have to give to your wife.

What Tony said...although I'm not married. I don't "give" pieces I share them, when I leave those pieces come with me, a little time and everything is whole again.

Andrew

 

[Anthony_Gomez]

I have been with my fiance since march of 94.

We are eachothers best friend. That by far is the most important thing in our relation ship.

For us sex is like a dessert.
That bar of chocolate once or twice a week tastes much much better than having one at every meal!