How important is sex in a marriage? (1 Viewer)

[Karl_Luph]

Jeff, probably the best advice will be from someone who's been married for 20 years or more, have raised the kids, dealt with gaining weight(most folks do!),dealing with not be as attractive as they were when they were 20,and physical setbacks just due to age. Some couples lose interest in sex with each other just because of the weight gain issue sad to say. Hopefully whoever you marry will be your lifelong best friend and that's what's really going to important as you get older.

 

[Jeffrey Noel]

Granted we don't know how often you're doing the deed, you may be wanting it three times a day...in which case your probably asking for to much. But there's a million studies on the net about how often couples will have sex, for your age group (young 20's?) I think the average should be around 3-4 times a week...of course a million things will change that, but it is still an average.

Three times a day is way off, as I hope for three times a month. :frowning:

I don't know if this makes a difference or not, but my fiance will only be turning 21 in June, and I will be 23 in July. We've been together, with a couple of breaks, since June of 1998. We've been engaged since June of last year.

We will not be living together for quite some time, as she will be in a town 3 hours away from me for at least 2 years, starting in August. This summer we will be living 2 hours apart. This will be a very trying time. I have been becoming more and more nervous about living 3 hours apart because she will be living with her older, single sister who likes to party.

Now my mind is racing.

 

[AjayM]

Now my mind is racing.

Well I wouldn't go to crazy with the thoughts just yet. The best advice I could think of is for the both of you to go see some type of relationship councelor if you think the problems are severe enough and you both want to work it out, although granted bringing that up can bring up it's own problems. That's probably the one piece of advice given to me that I didn't take (was probably to late for it anyways in my case).

Andrew

 

[Steve_Tk]

It was a problem with me and my Ex. It got to the point where it only happened when she wanted it too happen. I felt like I had no control over anything and was always living by her schedule. There was no spontaneity or anything.

But after talking to women friends they have said that my ex just had a lower than normal sexual drive.

That's not why we broke up, but if we had added another year to the year and a half it might have become a problem.

 

[Jeffrey Noel]

It got to the point where it only happened when she wanted it too happen. I felt like I had no control over anything and was always living by her schedule. There was no spontaneity or anything.

That's what it's like now.

 

[Michelle Schmid]

That's what it's like now.

It shouldn't be like that. No one should have all the control over any aspect of the relationship. There should be compromises from both parties. To answer your original question, I was married for 11 years, and yes, sex was important. To both of us. We had our share of problems w/this, as sometimes he would want it more, other times I would. Being able to talk about it was tremendously helpful and put things into perspective for both of us. As a woman I understand her reluctance to get pregnant before she's ready, but seriously--with today's birth control methods? It isn't something I really worry about day-to-day. Besides, she's willing to do it anyway (3 times a month?) so how would that prevent pregnancy? Any sex is a gamble, so if you said she wouldn't do it at all . . . then I'd say that's her main reason.

Please do consider what the others have said about communication. It is critical. Can you talk to her about other things? Or does she pout and act like you're the bad guy whenever you express dissatisfaction over anything? If it really is only over sex-related matters, perhaps she was brought up to believe that even talking about it was taboo. Maybe with some counseling she can learn to deal with this. But if it spills over into other areas, as well, I'd say you are in for some significant problems later on.

Really think about it--if you can't talk to your mate, how are you going to fill all the days of a lifetime together?

 

[Carl Miller]

At 38, married and with two kids, I'd describe sex as being "important" in a relationship. That's down from "very important" 10 years ago and "extremely important" 20 years ago.

Sex was never an issue between me and my wife until we had our first child. When our son was born, it became a problem time-wise and energy-wise for both of us, but more so my wife and that's where it became a problem. We figured it out, and didn't have the same issues later on when our daughter was born. We knew how to handle it after having to work it through the first time.

From our friends who are divorced or divorcing, which is about half of them, money, careers and parenthood seem to be the marriage killing issues. Sex is a secondary issue which goes down hill once the other problems set in.

In my opinion, it's important to be on the same page as far as sex is concerned, or to be able to talk it through if you're not. Otherwise, it's going to be a problem that's gonna be tough to get around.

 

[Jeffrey Noel]

Michelle, thank you for your insight. I can talk to my fiance about anything, but she does get a little queazy when I try to talk about sex. And yes she was raised in a household that NEVER mentioned sex; very taboo. On the otherhand, my mom is my best friend and I can and have talked to her about anything and everything. So communication in my family is very open. Anything goes! Heck, I still joke around with my sister about walking in on her when she lost her virginity. Ohhh, what memories!

About the pouting, the only thing we get to that point is when we discuss sex. I've told her several times that I feel like I'm not wanted and feel bad when she turns me down, even when I WANT to do things to JUST her. (I told her that I'm just going to quit doing that stuff to her, but I can't control myself. ) But I always end up feeling like the bad guy. Then I just want to shut up and not mention anything. As you all have pointed out, that is NOT the path to follow. Actually, the last time this happened I just told her that I am not going to feel like the bad guy and that if I didn't tell her these things it would just build up inside me and do much more damage in time.

 

[Jeffrey Noel]

No place else could I get this good of advice from so many different people. I'd really like to thank everyone who has contributed!

 

[Ashley Seymour]

On the sex question, it would also depend on your religious beliefs. Don't most teach that sex is only for reproductive purposes? So unless you're trying to get pregnant, sex is a no-no.

Holy - that attitude is so Victorian - Batman. Do any churchs still teach this stuff? I go to church and the subject is never brought up. Not that I would go along anyway.

We could all be wrong, but if you have to beg for sex three times a month now with a young lady who is healthy, then when you get married you will also have to learn to roll over, sit up, speak and the frequency will not improve.

I agree with the comments above about women having different sex drives. My guess is the lucky guys who have it 3-4 times a week have a wife who's sex drive is in the upper quartile. Twice a month is probably the lower quartile.

The girl I dated for a bit in high school and through a year in college was fairly sexually active, maybe a 5 on a 10 scale. The problem I have found that I have been in agreement with a lot of guys is the risk of getting a girl pregnant and having to live with someone who may have been a better bed partner than a soul mate. I wanted to remain single till I was established in a career and by 30 could then settle down. She did not see it that way and when I got drafted she found a guy who wanted to marry her. She did, but by the time I finished my first tour, she was already separated. Needless to say, it is often a bit hard to find someone who shares your sex drives but is also willing put off marriage for so long.

I think men have an instinctive attraction marry women with low sex drives because they feel a bit more secure that they will not wander. You may be very attracted to that sexy willing to give it to you on demand animal, but the fear is that behavior is hard to control.

I opted for the girl that showed above average maternal traits, but not overly sexual. It was frustrating for 20 years till we had a financial issue come up and she was no longer receptive. After a celebate nine months we went to counceling and it was a failure because the councelor was incompetent. I have heard similar discussion with Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura and they are generally are on the same page. There has to be a mutual give and take and not blame it on one party. I finally moved out of the house for three years. Because we had teenage kids I did not go for a divorce, but came over frequently for visits. She finally made some overtures to sit down a talk about our future. A big problem is that she also does not like to discuss a lot of personal things. Even the councelor could not get her to open up. We got back together and sexually things are better - frequency is not up from the low levels of early marriage, but enjoyment is better. I opted back into our relationship. It may sound odd, but when you are in your 40's, there are so many women who are divorced, that you have the potential for a lot more partners than you probably did in your 20's. Of course as we get older, we are a bit more self assured and that goes a ways also.

Jeffrey, you may want to consider putting your engagement on hold for awhile and date some more. You would be surprised how many soul mates you can actually run into. You might be surprised to find that your girl friend is turned on by the prospect that she has to compete with you over other women. If she is not willing to get in there and fight for you, then maybe that soul mate attitude is centered a little too much in your camp.

 

[David Preston]

I suggest you ask your fiance if things are gonna change when you get married. Reason why is because I just got married 6 months ago and things have changed for the better. When we first started dating we did everything. As the few years went by it slowed down almost to a couple times a month. I started getting frustated. She says she felt guilty because we weren't married. She started taking a marriage class at church called The Excellent Wife. It teaches them how to make a marriage work. I wished I would have taken the Husband class. It teaches them to submit to their husband and to fulfill their needs. I'm not sure everything it tells but since we are on the subject of sex I'll say what she told me. It teaches them to give their husband sex when he feels he needs it even if they are not in the mood. Just to keep their mate happy. She told me in the last few months before our marriage things would be better when we get married. I was doubtful. Things are better now. I get it when ever I want. I don't try to take advantage of it though. If she seems like she is not in the mood I'll ask for it and if she says yes and I can tell she don't want to I'll tell her thats ok we don't have to. I'll be happy that she was willing to meets my needs. I never thought a class could do that but it did. So to wrap it up I don't know if anyone above suggested it but try to find a counselor or a marriage class.

 

[Devin U]

Ive noticed in my own relationship (married 3 yrs), when there is a lack of intimacy, other problems seem worse or more evident. Im not saying its the most importaint thing, and I certainly wouldnt get divorced if she stopped giving it up tommorow, but things go better when the nookie's good.

 

[Philip Hamm]

On the sex question, it would also depend on your religious beliefs. Don't most teach that sex is only for reproductive purposes? So unless you're trying to get pregnant, sex is a no-no.

Holy - that attitude is so Victorian - Batman. Do any churchs still teach this stuff? I go to church and the subject is never brought up. Not that I would go along anyway.

Correct. That is the teaching of no church that I know of, nor have any ever even in Victorian times, but that doesn't stop people from thinking that. I recently got married in a very conservative church and that kind of BS was nowhere near the real teaching.

 

[Chris James]

Jeffery, I can offer nothing other than my own little story. Read it and see if it applies to anything you are going through.

1996 - I started dating a lovely young girl, who had just graduated highschool (she was 18, I was 21). Things were great, and we had sex quite a bit. Very affectionate. We were always holding hands, around each other, kissing, etc. She couldn't keep her hands off me, nor mine off her.

Skip ahead 6 months - All of the sudden, things stop. By things, I mean ALL aspects of intimacy. No longer did we hold hands, snuggle, no sex, nothing. The only time we kissed was a small peck when I would go home. Why did this happen? According to her, she did not want to get pregnant. To her, getting through with college was the most important thing. She said if she got pregnant, it would ruin her life. So, abstinance for her.....and me as well. I had NO say is what she decided. It was as if I had no value in our situation, it was a dictatorship. When I would question her about it, she would get mad or sometimes upset that I was bringing it up. If I did not bring up the question about sex, everything was GREAT. Just no intimacy what-so-ever.

Now, what did this make me do....how did I act? At first it was ok. I dealt. I loved her, and she did love me (according to her). After some time went by, I started to get bothered more. I would hound her about it, which only pushed her away even more. But, we stuck it out (love....).

1998 - Off to college for the both of us. We went to the same college, and actually lived in the same apartment complex. She had asked me if I minded that she was living near me, and I of course said "No!" About a month after moving in, she told me that she was "late." Hmmm, that can't be good. Turns out, she had cheated on me before she moved up to school. Now, my sex deprived brain could not fathom WHY she would have done that! Why cheat when you don't touch your own boyfriend??? Guess I pushed her a little too hard, which was translated into smothering her (her term). I leave.

1998 1/2 - A knock on my door reveals her crying and begging me to take her back. I knew instantly I wanted to. I hid that for a while to make sure everything was going to be ok. One stipulation for her prior to getting back together? Must have sex SOMETIMES! She agrees. Things are nice for a while, but no intimacy.

2000 - More extended periods of endless non-affection. Why did I stay? One word.....hope. Hope that one day it would go back to the perfect six months in 1996. She had started going out with a new girlfriend she met in one of her classes. They went out 3 times a week, and some on the weekends. I was not invited, nor was I allowed to ask where they were going/who with/etc. Now, I am a smart guy, and I was finally figuring out that this was not working. It had been almost 5 years of no sex. I was a mess. And don't get me wrong, it wasn't just the sex, it was that there was no intimacy. In the end, I broke it off. She turned into a party girl and dated extensively.

Reflection - I pushed and pushed, thinking that if I could just convice here that we should have sex, then everything would be great. What did that do? Made it worse. Age was probably a large part also. She was young, just entering college, and ready to experience life.....not marriage. She did tell me everything would be ok after she could get through with school. And we did talk quite a bit about the situation during the 5 years, but the conversations did nothing to improve our relationship. BUT, a lot of the time, she got very upset I was bringing it up (which in turn made me feel like the asshole). Like one of the other posters said "Huge red flag." I don't want to scare you, but we are both VERY similar. I, too, have a mother that is extremely open (sex, everything). Her family? I don't think I saw her parents closer than 3 feet to each other. Very cold family, very non-intimate.

Well, I have typed a lot. Partly for you, partly for me. Hopefully, if you do have something like this happen to you, you will do the right thing....break it off. Love kept me in it for 5 years, and I will not get those years back. Good luck.

 

[Rob Gillespie]

Guess I pushed her a little too hard, which was translated into smothering her (her term).

Bullshit. That's the excuse that's often given but it usually translates to "I couldn't be bothered to talk to you about this".

 

[Chris James]

Oh, I agree wholeheartedly. But, know what that excuse did? It shut me up for the time being. In retrospect, I wish I would have known the translation for that. Love does indeed put blinders on people.

 

[Rob Gillespie]

Chris, the good thing about that is the next time you go into a relationship you're much less likely to be walked over (because it sounds like you did a fine impression of an old carpet there!). I had a relationship end rather badly last summer and I know now that I just wont put up with any bullshit in the future. Got problems? Fine, talk to me about it. Can't/wont talk? Fine, there's the door.

 

[Chris James]

Got problems? Fine, talk to me about it. Can't/wont talk? Fine, there's the door.

Man, you hit the nail on the head. I was walked on like crazy. Never again will that happen to me.

I just hope it's not happening to Jeffery now.

 

[Ryan Wright]

Got problems? Fine, talk to me about it. Can't/wont talk? Fine, there's the door.

Isn't it nice when you come to that realization? I hit the top of that mountain shortly into my marriage. My "I love you but I'm not putting up with this shit" attitude significantly improved things between my wife and I. That was 6 years ago and we have a very healthy & happy marriage today.

 

[Malcolm R]

This is what I meant, I just phrased it badly. And this is within marriage. I'm sure sex outside of marriage is even more "frowned upon" for those who adhere to Christian beliefs.