How do you cope? parent with cancer. (1 Viewer)

[Van Patton]

I'm so very sorry Brent. I am going through some incredibly diffucult stuff in my life right now as well that I have never had to deal with up until this point. We're here man. If you need a shoulder to lean on, we're here.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family Brent. Take Care.

 

[Mary M S]

My mother once told me that the hardest death to bear is that of your child. It cuts the thread of the warp and weft of life and takes a wrong direction in the expected scheme of things. Parents should die, in the worlds time line. Not the other way round. As a parent I understand her, and have hopes I die before my sons. If a trade could be made “My life for…, “ any parent would choose this. As a child I can tell you loosing your parents or helping one parent through the death of the other is very very hard. I think that for each of us, in different relation to whom we loose; parent to child, child to parent, husbands to wife, and lover to lover there are special attributes unique of loss and pain.

I think you find in each circumstance what comfort there is to find. With my adored grandmother, as my son put it, “she seems like a key clock slowly winding down, and she seems so sad now. She misses Granddaddy”. There were many opportunities to say things, reminisce, and even time to begin to feel…. that it was time, and still the most incredible amount of unprepared for sense of shock and grief when of a morning she did not wake up!

My father had a business trip, and the night before this my eldest sister called late in a normal evening and stated brusquely. “Dad is having a heart attack, the paramedics are at the house and they say there is no time to go to (our hospital of choice) they are going to the nearest location, as soon as he is stable. I’ll pick you up in 5 min.” We arrived 45 min before my Fathers ambulance. My brother and then my younger sister (farthest) only minutes before. The fact that we were all there for and before my Mother with the ambulance and with her during the hour wait till the Doctor came to tell us he was never revived, was one thing we comforted ourselves with amid the shock. We talked in those first days about whatever we could think of that seemed positive about this sudden horrible change. We had all taken a trip to the beach just the month before, back to where our parents took us summers growing up, trips which started the year my brother who was five (I four) died, which had continued every summer while growing up. Something we talked for years about doing (going back together with all the grandchildren) but had never previously scheduled. I have a picture from that trip, which only shows the back of my father, with my two sons building sandcastles at his feet, his hands on hips staring far out across the ocean at a shrimp boat on the horizon, he is not looking at the boys. I see all kinds of foreshadowing in this picture now. He is there ..with my boys….but he is distant…concentrating on something else.
We have a very close family, unusual in the sense that we are very different personalities that should clash, more than we do. In talking later, we brother and sisters agreed that amongst one of the many hard sensations for us was that life seemed topsy turvey. Parents take care of children, (in our prior experience) not the other way round. But we were the caretakers now, very suddenly. My mother in shock and nothing prepared.

I think whatever emotions you feel will be ‘normal’. We laughed a lot, the first 5 days we were up all night at my Mothers, the longer we went without sleep it became almost like our childhood…up late and getting silly way past our bedtime. We would tell a story about my Dad, while trying to write the eulogy, or discuss some awkward moment with someone who had dropped in to offer condolences. We would laugh till we cried, then stop and state “We’re terrible” then laugh some more. At some point in first weeks, we all realized we resented our Mother’s complete cave-in. We expected it, we could not even begin to imagine ourselves in her position, but any point up to and for the first weeks after the funeral (and she was not capable for a long, long time) we wished for some acknowledgment from her that we too grieved. After all it was not only her loss, - our Dad was gone! We did not show this in word or deed, but we felt it. We were all adults and there was no right or wrong to any of it, yet we were childish in our hearts, and selfish missing our parents normal role; wanting them to be forever capable of comforting us.
Keep in your mind your mother in her garden in the sun, and paste these images on top of daily difficult realties.

I had a bizarre reaction because I tend to go very inward and quiet, after both my Father and Grandmother’s death. One like lightening in its suddenness, the other a slow journey, at both times for months I rented every movie about death I could find or think of. My husband caught me doing this every night. I wanted to be left alone, I had grown tired of the inquiries from people in general. “How are all of you holding up?” and I preferred not to talk about it, except to family, just wanting some quiet to sort it out. (enough talking had to be done to get through the first week’s arraignments). My husband worried over me thinking this new habit of mine morose and unhealthy. For some personalities this would be, for me it was the only thing that allowed me to let go and let down for a time in private. Whatever eases you through emotional times is valid. These movies hurt, but I was not wallowing in grief. I was looking into films, hunting for even one kernel of universal truth or comment about death, which I felt I could relate too. . Each one I found which moved me -seemed as if it helped to loosen the tight band of feeling I had physically wrapped round my chest. For me it was a form of release and a healing.

Recently I watched Norfork[/B} a movie about loss and about endings. Nick Nolte in the DVD extras is interviewed and you find that he was asked by the director to “ad lib” during a scene when he is speaking to his congregation from a pulpit. Although not in the original script it was cut from that scene and placed in prominence as the last voiceover at the movies ending. It reverberated with me greatly, and while viewing Nick Noltes interview I discovered why. Mr. Nolte is telling what he learned from his own Mothers death, it feels real, because it was, it was his experience. These things comfort me, and I hope sincerely that you find those which will comfort you. My best to your family.

 

[Bob Graz]

Brent, My sincere condolences to you and your family at this sad time....Bob

 

[Bill Williams]

Brent, I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Just know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this time.

 

[Yee-Ming]

My condolences to you and you family.



This was exactly how I felt when my father was dying of cancer 10 years ago. You need to hold it together for the rest of your family. Sure, there was one night, either the day he died or the next night, at the wake which was held at a funeral parlour, that night I went outside alone, sat on the kerb by the road alone and cried like a baby for the first time in years, and haven't broken down like that again since. Cathartic in a sense.

I was only 24 when he died, and to this day I wish we'd had more time together. Growing up he was away a lot on business. I'm sure he would've loved DVDs and HTs -- he was in the movie industry and was naturally fond of movies -- and I wish he was around to see all this amazing stuff we have today.

It sounds to me like you've had a lot of good times and memories of your mother. Enjoy them. Mary MS puts it well, in a sense at least it was "correct" in the greater scheme of things.

In my case, it nearly went the wrong way: I had cancer when I was 16/17, but I beat it and no doubt my father took solace in the fact that when it was his time, his eldest son was around to bury him (well, we cremate here, but you get the point). But I do tear up at the thought that he didn't survive to see me get married.

I can't add much more to all the sound advice already posted, but would add that not everyone deals with it in the same way. I'm sure you'll get through to the other side in time.

 

[JonZ]

Sorry to hear about ur mom. Best wishes to you and your family.

My dad just went thru a operation for pancreas cancer. Hes been stuck in the hospital for about a month now and is still recovering. Hes still getting sick and has 6 months of chemo to look foward to.

Im a realistic person and the pancreatic cancer survival rate isnt very high. I had a talk with my brother and aunt(his sister) that realistically he probably only has a couple years left.

Hes stronger than me, becuase I dont know if Id be willing to go thru all this for a few more years.


Having gone thru a few deaths, all I can say is be there for your family, they need u.

 

[Jay H]

Brent, my deepest condolences to you and your family. I'm sorry to hear about it. Honestly, when I first saw your thread, I did not know what to write. It seems this summer has been bad for friends. I know at least 3 close friends who've had illnesses with their parents or grandparents this summer, and I'm always dealing with my mom, who has mild alzheimers and is a brain tumor survivor. Maybe it's just being too depressed to live like this, talking to my friends, watching them go through this, knowing that I will someday have to go through this too. Alzheimers is such a wasting disease, it frightens me to no end what the future holds. You're right, spent time with your loved ones now, tell them how much they mean to you and make every minute count.

Jay

 

[brentl]

Thank you Mayor Jay

"I know at least 3 close friends who've had illnesses with their parents or grandparents this summer, and I'm always dealing with my mom, who has mild alzheimers and is a brain tumor survivor."

It is quite sad the number of people I know that went through a similar situation.

ALWAYS make it right with the family! Whenever I'd go away, or my parents would go away, we'ed tell each other that we loved them.

My 2 sisters and I spent a few hours going through old photos, and spent most of the time laughing over how cute my Moms grandkids are! The next generation will keep this family together!

Brent

p.s. I really hate headaches, but I'm guessing I'll have a constant one for a few more days!

 

[Geraldine/F/M]

I'm so very sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family. It sounds like you and your sisters have a good grasp of what's important. Remembering the great things helps more than anything else. Sometimes my sisters and I do "remember when..." stories. Remember when Mike taught your to hang upside down and you...