Gift for a great woman you don't know too well, but would like to? (1 Viewer)

[Joseph DeMartino]

Rumors can't hurt you if they're not real.

Oh yes they can. Rumors can destroy your life even if they are false. I'm guessing that you're very young. Older people tend to be much less trusting of themselves, much less prone to notions like "love at first sight", and much less likely to believe that rumors "can't hurt you".

BTW, if you would go back and read my previous post, you'll see I already covered the obvious fact that affairs don't "just happen" - but pointed out that if you avoid what you call "the build up", they can't happen at all.

Regards,

Joe

 

[MarkHastings]

I'm guessing that you're very young

Why? Because I trust people? Because I believe that there is a lot of good in people? I'm 32 years old. Now I don't consider that to be old, but I've lived long enough to have a decent grasp on how things work.

I also see people for who they are and I try not to associate with "Phony" people. I guess I can see what you're saying if you don't trust the other person, but since I don't hang out with untrustworthy people, then there's no need for me to worry about putting myself in "Bad" situations.

Hopefully Elizabeth will come back and respond. I totally agree with her that too many people treat their significant other as a possession.

I'm sorry, but it all sounds so barbaric to me.

 

[Joseph DeMartino]

Your reputation should speak volumes over any rumor.

Of course, "should" and "is" are rarely the same thing - on this planet, at least. I can only say that you've led a remarkablly sheltered life.

Regards,

Joe

 

[JamieD]

Well, this thread has a great potential to go downhill, and the primary question has been addressed (and the issue dealt with). Do we really need to get into a discussion that will likely get quite emotional? I know I certainly can't think of anything productive to add.

Heck, this isn't very productive as is!

 

[Holadem]

I really hate when people come to a thread to suggest it's closure.

Mark,
I am 24 and I DO think that your views derive a little from fairy tales, because they assume reason and perfection from people at all times. It just doesn't work like that. The concept of not putting yourself in a situation that could lead somewhere is very valid, and can be done without possessivity.

Ex: Phone Booth (it's not a spoiler). While Colin Farell's character has not yet slept with that actress and sincerly believes that he has no intention to do so, who here doubts that it would eventually happen anyway?

Ryan,
I think you are a little extreme in your views (which are widely know around here) but all that matters is that it works for you and her.

I just don't think that Robert should be the guardian of people's marriage, he should be out there to get his own. Then he and his guardian will be the guardian of theirs, just as Elisabeth, Ryan and all the other married folks. It's a matter of responsibility.

--
Holadem

 

[James E]

How about giving her a copy of The Wedding Singer :b
Don't do this it is a joke

james

 

[MarkHastings]

I am 24 and I DO think that your views derive a little from fairy tales, because they assume reason and perfection from people at all times.

It's a little something I call "Faith", which is unfortunately lost on most people :frowning:

If expecting loyalty of your partner is only something that happens in fairy tales, then the world is really a sad place.

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS AND COMPASSION (i.e. I'm not saying this out of anger)...I am a realist and I do understand that nobody's perfect and that nothing is ever a "Fairy Tale", I'm just suggesting that you shouldn't try to shelter your partner (or yourself) from the rest of the world because you fear something bad might happen. That's what happens to those people who have a fear of going outside. Sure the outside world is a dangerous place and can hurt you, but that doesn't mean you should avoid it at all costs.

With that said, I'll end my posts here so I don't stir up anymore trouble.

Sorry for all the controversy, but it was fun discussing (even though others felt it wasn't)

Peace out!

 

[Anders Englund]

Here are my thoughts:

If some guy made a move on my wife, I wouldn't mind. If I find her attractive, why wouldn't someone else? If, however, that guy succeeded, I'd kick his ass.

If situations were reversed, I'd let her know how I feel. And if the feelings were mutual, I'd fully expect to get my ass kicked. But it might be worth it...

--Anders

 

[JamieD]

I really hate when people come to a thread to suggest it's closure.

Good, considering that's not the case here. I had visited and posted in this thread previously. The question asked has been addressed, and often that is a impetus for a mod to close a thread, when it appears to serve little other purpose. I don't see how this thread now serves any purpose other than to debate how people believe relationships should be, or to debate the amount of realism in some people's stances on either side of the fence. Sorry if I fail to see how that's going to be a useful use of the resources made available to us. If you do, more power to you.

Either way, have fun.

 

[Matt Gordon]

I'm not the one you were quoting but I'd say yes, in certain situations I don't trust myself. There have been plenty of times that I've tried to "be good" and just couldn't. And the reason is because I've let things happen. For instance, ask a recovering alcoholic or addict if they trust themselves. Joseph is right.

But Mark is right, too. Most affairs, don't happen because of the physical thing (or that they planned for one), but because the person that the cheater cheated with seemed to fill a need or void in that person's life they weren't getting at home. So it is a problem in the strength of the relationship as well. And if you are neglecting your relationship, you're opening the door for trouble to come in. (But that doesn't necessarily mean that having a female friend is "neglecting your relationship." I would say that spending one-on-one personal time with that person might be.)

And that is why Ryan is so right in his self-imposed code of conduct. I know others may not agree with me on this, but I always look for Ryan's name in these "advice" threads because the guy usually makes a whole lot of sense. And even when I don't agree with him, his comments are still well thought out.

Love at first sight can be wonderful, but if you're in a committed relationship (married/engaged/etc.), what are you doing looking for that love? Somone who is married or engaged is supposed to already have that love. And if you're not that person's husband or fiancee... sorry, it ain't you, pal.

 

[MikeAlletto]

If some guy made a move on my wife, I wouldn't mind. If I find her attractive, why wouldn't someone else? If, however, that guy succeeded, I'd kick his ass.

Why is it the guys fault that he succeeded...wouldn't your wife be just as guilty? You would think that if your wife truely loved you she wouldn't have let it get to the point where the guy succeeded. Everyone has free will, and it takes 2 people to cheat.

 

[Ryan Wright]

I know others may not agree with me on this, but I always look for Ryan's name in these "advice" threads because the guy usually makes a whole lot of sense. And even when I don't agree with him, his comments are still well thought out.

Wow, cool. Thank you for the compliment!

 

[Chris Lockwood]

> Consider you take a female coworker to lunch on a regular basis. The rest of the office will think you're romantic whether you are or not. Now tell me this false rumor won't hurt your career?

Here in the 21st century, it's not unusual for people to have lunch with coworkers of the opposite sex, some of whom are married to others. It's not a big deal. I've done it myself many times, usually for scandalous reasons like the fact that we both wanted to go to Wendy's that day. I would need to see a lot more than that before I'd assume something fishy was going on.

I'm not sure how the impression you might be seeing someone hurts your career, either. But people who were having an affair with someone else's spouse probably wouldn't be seen going to lunch together; they'd likely be more secretive & meet somewhere, like a motel.

 

[MarkHastings]

Consider you take a female coworker to lunch on a regular basis. The rest of the office will think you're romantic whether you are or not. Now tell me this false rumor won't hurt your career?

This is why I'm so vocal about this. The married female that I am best friends with is a co-worker. We never knew each other before she started working with me. We go to lunch EVERY day, we are inseparable at work, we have the best time together and have become BEST of friends due to it. Her husband knows who I am and trusts me enough (along with his wife) that we'd never do anything wrong. Like I said before, the fact that I'm so close to her actually makes me want her less. In fact, there was one day where my friend (Stacey) gave me a friendly hug (which she does with all of her friends and not just me-she's very personal like that) at the same time another co-worker was walking by my office...the co-worker made a weird face and I said to her (in a joking way) "What? Stacey and I are just friends...what differences does it make if we have sex every now and then?".

I don't let rumors destroy my life. Screw anyone who feels the need to spread such rumors. And if you want to talk about kicking someones ass, if I ever heard of someone trying to spread a rumor that Stacey and I were more than just friends...let me tell you, I'd have a few words to say to that person. I have no tolerance for such childish behavior and my job shouldn't be affected no matter what sort of 'rumors' get spread.

 

[Holadem]

Here in the 21st century, it's not unusual for people to have lunch with coworkers of the opposite sex, some of whom are married to others. It's not a big deal. I've done it myself many times, usually for scandalous reasons like the fact that we both wanted to go to Wendy's that day. I would need to see a lot more than that before I'd assume something fishy was going on.

You know, lets not forget that Ryan lives in BFE . In a city, going out and grabbing lunch with a coworker of the opposite sex is not a problem at all, people do it al the time. Interactions in the boondocks are a little different.

--
Holadem

 

[Anders Englund]

Why is it the guys fault that he succeeded...wouldn't your wife be just as guilty?

Oh, I'm not saying it wouldn't also be her fault. But when you discuss things hypothetically, it's very easy to be rational. But if I actually ended up in that situation, I don't think I would be. Would you?

--Anders

 

[MarkHastings]

I'd be more pissed off at my wife than the other guy. Not that I'm married, but my old girlfriend left me for another guy and I was never mad at him even for a minute. SHE was the one whos ass I wanted to kick, but then I thought about it and figured:

"Even if I had known she was seeing this guy when we were together, forbidding her to not see him wouldn't have done any good because she probably would have found someone else to leave me for and in the end, why would I want to be with someone who was willing to give up a good relationship for some guy she hardly knew?" GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!

If a woman is going to leave or cheat on you, she's going to do it no matter what you say or do. In fact, a controlling attitude toward her may be the reason why she strays in the first place.

 

[MarkHastings]

Umm, I'm not sure what happened here.

 

[MarkHastings]

Ryan,

I go through that same situation every day (from the other side) when I go out to lunch with Stacey and we bump into people she knows. They always give me that look like "So WHO are you!?". It's funny because Stacey knows it too and she laughs because she thinks about what her husband would say if they came to him and said "I just saw your wife eating lunch with another guy!"...He'd probably respond "Yeah, he's her friend...what's the big deal?"

I also live in an area with a large number of conservative Christians

I understand that, but you would think that such a religious group would have faith in you that you are a good person who would never break your vows.

 

[Ryan Wright]

Interactions in the boondocks are a little different.

Holadem has a point. My area has ~200k people spread over 3 cities (might as well be one, they're all within 5 minutes of each other). I also live in an area with a large number of conservative Christians (of which I am a proud member), which should help to explain my difference of opinion in these matters. My opinion isn't better nor worse than anyone else's - it's just different. I'm not trying to start a combination political/religious discussion, so let's not go down that road - just recognizing that my community has a strong influence on who I am.