Anyone else have a FEAR of DATING??? (1 Viewer)

[Aurel Savin]

Julie ...
None of my examples were directed at you, but you seem to take them very personally
It has nothing to do with women relying on men or not being able to help themselves ...
I think the guys know what I mean by my posts

Just kidding. Keep up the great posts

Dean ... I think you are scared of her

 

[Mark Zimmer]

Julie, you just flat out rock.

 

[Julie K]

Dean...I think you are scared of her

He should be. Have none here read of the horror I recently unleashed in the supermarket?

 

[Mark Schermerhorn]

I'm not a big fan of the word 'patriarchy'. To me it implies a man vs. woman dichotomy when in reality cultural inertia is caused by both men and women. Likewise, the change in attitudes is championed by both men and women.

I agree with you Julie. I personally don't use that word to imply faults with men only, although most people do.

Believe me, as a guy who grew up with parents who were equals, I would be thrilled to find more women who grew up similarly. There are a suprising number of women out there who are "independent" but who just don't understand how to work an equal relationship. I could write a paper on this so I'll just stop now before the rambling commences.

 

[Agee Bassett]

While, of course, I have certain standards I look for in a prospective date/mate, I hesitate to congeal them into any itemized "list" of criteria, for fear of pigeonholing the parts at the expense of accurately perceiving the sum. I perhaps made this mistake with my ex, and it led me to miss certain tell-tale signs which should have appeared to my eyes more blatant than my limited outlook allowed. A sparkling "resume" does not necessarily a wholly functional individual make. Far more important for me that she demonstrate an accurate concept of what love, selflessness, and devotion constitute.

I don't see that anyone has reacted to any previously posted comments in an extreme manner, except you.

 

[Patrick Sun]

The itemized list reminds of one of the women on The Real World (Boston edition) had this list with something like 150 items on it that "her man" had to have before she'd considering marrying the guy. And she was seriously about it!

 

[Max Leung]

To get back on topic, slightly, I highly recommend this website for dating and relationship advice:
Love advice from Dr. Tracy Cabot
Good doses of common sense, and she's not afraid to reference scientific research on human nature.

 

[Max Leung]

Actually, I find nothing wrong with lists. If you write down what you want in a potential mate, it will help you focus on prioritizing the items!
For example, how would you prioritize these items:

• Must be 6 foot tall or greater.
• Must be kind, considerate, and sensitive.
• Must not have a hairy back.
• Is interested in marriage and having children.
• Must always open doors for women.
• Must be financially responsible.
• Must love all things Cthulu.

With such a list written down, you can look it over with a critical eye (and is even more fun when you show it to your girlfriends, who can critique it with you). You will then be in a much better position to cross out the ridiculous-sounding ones, renumber the critically important ones, and forces you to re-evaluate what you really want.
Is a guy who always opens the door for you but is gruff, inconsiderate (besides the door fetish), and insensitive a better mate than one who forgets to open the door, but is truly interested in your hobbies, kind, and encouraging? Hmm, maybe move "opening doors" further down the list...
Once you are satisfied with the list, you can now enter the dating world and meet as many men as possible, and compare them to the list. Perhaps your expectations are too high - none qualify as your ideal mate - so you either revise the list again, or adopt a different strategy for finding these men (maybe going to dance clubs is not the best way to find considerate men, so instead you try film festivals).
The romantic notion that lists "trivialize" the search for that one soulmate is to live in a fantasy world. Rather, the list is a guide to your happiness, and a means for learning from your mistakes ("Maybe dating a rock star wasn't such a good idea...I'll be sure to cross that off my list, and never do THAT again").
Once again, check out that website, especially the "Love Library". For more on making wishlists, read this.

 

[Jim_F]

Maybe a little manageable anxiety with dating, but the bigger fear is of yet another unworkable relationship.
I'll get over that, too. But not right now.

 

[Patrick Sun]

Well, Re: lists, I'd counter by just saying, when you decide to either spurn or accept a person as a significant person in your life, be prepared to accept the whole package that that person brings to the table.

Sometimes, a person will click with the other person, even though that first person scores pitifully on some "list of must-haves", while a person that scores high on the list won't click at all with the person with the list. There are intangibles at play that are hard to simply check off a list. (It can be the same in finding suitable employees at work as well).

Sure, lists may narrow the field, but it may also toss out your soulmate, the one who makes you inexplicably happy just by being in their presence. Love has a weird sense of humor.

 

[Max Leung]

Uh, Patrick, the idea is to include the details of what a soulmate is on that list!
And, you're assuming the list is immutable, never subject to change. I pointed out that this is NOT the case. It MUST evolve. If you find someone who you feel strongly for, and can really relate to with happy-touchy feelings, then that persons qualities should, by definition, go into the list! And it is a given that the qualities that are not important will be given a lower priority (ie. nice to have, but are just icing on the cake) or crossed-off altogether. Conversely, qualities that you thought weren't important before, may now become paramount. The list changes as YOU change.
Perhaps I should not have used the word "list", I should use the word "diary". The word "list" used in the same context as dating or relationships seems to invoke a kind of bias in people's minds.
At any rate, I strongly suggest you read the supplied link, Pat. I have a feeling you're just skimming.

Sure, lists may narrow the field, but it may also toss out your soulmate, the one who makes you inexplicably happy just by being in their presence. Love has a weird sense of humor.

Seems to me that your "list" (errr...diary) should include, at the very top:
1) Makes me inexplicably happy when she is present.
:wink:

 

[Dean DeMass]

Sure, lists may narrow the field, but it may also toss out your soulmate, the one who makes you inexplicably happy just by being in their presence. Love has a weird sense of humor.

1st you have to believe that in this huge world, there is only one person who can be your "soulmate". I don't beleive in soulmates. What I do believe in, is that there are many people out there who are compatible with each one of us. It is just a matter of finding one of those people.

-Dean-

 

[Patrick Sun]

I think what I was trying to get at was that there are some people on the whole who are greater than the sum of their parts/traits, while others have parts/traits that are greater than the sum of their whole.

 

[Todd H]

I'm about ready to narrow my list of qualifications down to "breathing" and "female."

 

[Dean DeMass]

Patrick,
Got you.

 

[Danny Tse]

Todd,
Ready to join the club, huh?
When I was in college, I had a friend who had this formula that narrows down to three women on the whole planet who were right for him. Of course, we all laughed at his wacky logic. Today, he's happily married while my college buddies and I are still searching.... :frowning:

 

[Todd H]

Yep, Danny, count me in as a member!

Everyone I went to college with is now happily married. Every time I see them, the first thing they ask is "When are you getting married?" Man that gets old.

The truth is I'm crazy about a girl right now. She's my exact opposite and totally wrong for me. But there's just something about her. Of course, there's the problem that we're friends. One time I was in her office and her boss came in and said "Hey Christi, you're single aren't you? And aren't you single too Todd?" That's when she, the girl I like, said "I love Todd to death but I could never date him." Talk about a stake through my heart. Things were so much easier in college.

 

[Mike Broadman]

Chicks that work on cars and dig HT are cool. I want one.
That's my brilliant and detailed analysis of the situation.

Everyone I went to college with is now happily married. Every time I see them, the first thing they ask is "When are you getting married?" Man that gets old.

Oh Christ-on-a-pony, I [rant]HATE[/rant] that so much!
The next time someone asks you that, you tell 'em:
"When are you going to die? You're already married, so death would be the next step. So why don't you die? When are you going to die?"
Of course, I can't use that one on my mother.

 

[Todd H]

Mike, I'll have to remember that one when I go to my 15 year class reunion in a couple of months!

 

[Dean DeMass]

Better yet, ask them when they are going to get divorced.
-Dean-