Anyone else have a FEAR of DATING??? (1 Viewer)

[Jenna]

Have developed an intense FEAR of DATING over the last couple of years. I meet some nice, cute guys, but find myself "psyching myself out" of the potential relationship prior to our first date! Then I end up cancelling the date for any number of excuses. I never even give the guy a chance. I realize what I'm doing, but can't stop it. I know I need to start trusting men again, but it's harder than you think.

Don't get me wrong...I LOVE men! I love to flirt, and love to have male friends who I can hang out with. But when I feel one getting too close, it makes me uncomfortable and I start avoiding them. Maybe I'm just not ready to put my heart "out there" again. Like the Elton John lyrics: "don't feel nothing, just feel pain." I

Anyone going through the same thing???

 

[Paul D Young]

I have a fear of dating too. I fear my wife would beat me up if she found out!
Just kidding of course.

 

[joe rizzuto]

"Don't get me wrong...I LOVE men! I love to flirt, and love to have male friends who I can hang out with. But when I feel one getting too close, it makes me uncomfortable and I start avoiding them."

can i ask what the need to 'get close'is? maybe try dating and not getting close. date several men at once. there is no great need to move quickly and get hurt again.
be honest with them and let them know you prefer to date but not become romantically involved, at least not at first.

 

[Jason Seaver]

Yeah, but mostly because I never figured out how to go about it. It's one of those activities that just seems to scream out "there's got to be a better way!"

 

[Aurel Savin]

Jenna ... you sound like the ideal woman. Afraid of commitment ... what is your phone number?
But seriously ... me and my girlfriend of 2 years just broke up 3 months ago and it hurts like hell. The thing is ... I am in NY and she is in Hungary now and it is not like we can just reconcile. We separated on good terms, it was just our goals for the short term were not the same and we decided to end it ... did I mention it hurts like hell!!! She was the first woman I really truely loved and still do.
So right now I am in the same boat as you, I have a fear of dating. I am in a "vendatta kinda mood" as Chris Walken said in True Romance.
But I have been going out with ladies here and there ... just feeling my way around (not literally ) and trying to figure out what I want.
I think that if you go out and know that you are in as much control of where the date and maybe eventual relationship is going .. you will be OK. Sounds like right now you leave too much in the hands of the guy.
So what is your number?

 

[NickSo]

Uh, joe, you MAY wanna put a quote vBcode onto the first lines of your post
paul haha.
Sorry i couldnt help though :frowning:

 

[Max Leung]

As a card-carrying member of the male sex, I found it common for women to feel the same as you do, with varying degrees of intensity. To be fair, I've felt exactly the same as you did recently when I was unemployed, and during unhappy phases of my life. Is there something else unrelated to dating that is bothering you?
As for the general problem of dates not showing up and whatnot, what I've read from chat groups and dating-advice columnists suggests that this behavior is an unconscious "hard-to-get" strategy:
The "hard-to-get" woman misses the date (with no explanation or warning in many cases) or never returns the phone call, completely confusing the inexperienced male despite an engaging conversation and obvious signs of interest from the female. The most common advice I've seen goes something like this: Don't take it personally, a large percentage of women practice this behavior. It is just a part of dating. You can move on, or if you think she is really special, let her know that you are willing to give her up by leaving an ultimatum, saying, in effect, "I think you are wonderful, but something always seems to come up when I try to be with you. Instead of keeping my life on hold waiting for you to get your act together, I will move onto other things. See ya!"
A woman that realizes the attractive man that had been chasing her for the last month has lost interest in her will very quickly chase the man back before he is gone forever. (And if she didn't like him anyways, well, at least the man kept his dignity and self-esteem!)
Freely substitute "man" for "woman" and "woman" for "man" above. It happens both ways, although it is comparatively rare for the man to stand up his date!
Oddly enough, this advice seems to work...I was dating a woman a year ago who had stood me up a number of times (and not just me...all her friends too), despite a very encouraging exchange of letters and earlier dates. I let her know that I was not pleased with her disappearing act, and that I no longer wished to share correspondence or meet with her again. Three months later I got a letter from her expressing her regret at the situation (not an actual apology but oh well). It was a tough decision, but I decided not to answer...upon reflection I didn't think the relationship would work out in the long term anyways. At least I kept my sanity.

 

[Chris Tsutsui]

No surprise there, did you know that there are guys on this planet that are afraid of dating and approaching girls? I know, it's crazy...
So what's left is 2 people afraid to date eachother and one helluva boring date.
If you treated your first date like it was with your best friend you'd probably have a better time. It's not like u have to spend the rest of your life with them.
Have you ever dated someone that's a tease? One that says "Can I have a good night kiss?" and then says "Ok, I'll give you one next time we meet, good bye."
Your probably no better than they are...

 

[Brian Harnish]

Chris Tutsui wrote:

If you treated your first date like it was with your best friend you'd probably have a better time. It's not like u have to spend the rest of your life with them.

Unfortunately, treating the first date like being with a best friend will no doubt get you into the dreaded FRIEND zone -- from whence there is no return! The girl already knows why you asked her out (yes, she does know your intentions) and it's only fair to be a man and let her know -- go for that kiss at the end of the date. Her reaction to it will show you her true interest level. Plus, you'll feel better about yourself that you did it.

 

[AllanN]

I don't have a fear of dating, just a fear of my date. That sounds weird. I don't have a fear of meeting women or setting up a date. But a few minutes before and during the date I get very nervous about weather she likes me or not. Now if I end up on a date and I find I don't like the other person, I completely relax. This is a problem because im never myself around the women that I want to go out with again.

 

[Micah Cohen]

Does being lazy count as fear?

Girl calls me, and my first thought is, "Wow! I am so in love with this woman, this is great!" and about 10 minutes into any conversation I'm thinking, "How on earth do I get off the phone with this nut? I've got movies to watch!"

Walking back from Blockbuster with a handful of DVDs, passing the trendy bars in my neighborhood, I'm thinking, "Gad, I wish I had the energy to be in there with all the beautiful people hobnobbing, networking, kibbitzing and hooking up..." But it's just so much easier and less stressful to go home, fire up the theater and effortlessly ENJOY a film.

Laziness, or fear? Is my hour up already, doctor?

MC

 

[Dan Galyen]

Jenna:

It sounds like you were hurt pretty bad and are extremely "gunshy" about dating. After having my heart squished like a bug numerous times I just quit TRYING to find someone. It does get extremely old after a while wondering, "OK, how long is this one going to last".

You need to believe in the old saying, "you will meet someone when you least expect it..."

If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. I met my fiance' during a chance dinner through friends. Dating was the LAST thing I wanted to do, but it really was FATE.

Your heart has a funny way of being right most of the time, even if your head tries to get in the way...

 

[Dean DeMass]

Jenna,
I am trying to get back in the dating scene and my problem seems to be that every girl I am interested in is taken already. I had a weird experience a few weeks ago at a bar. This very attractive blonde kept looking and smiling at me, so I was going to go over and talk to her. Luckily my friend knew her boyfriend and saved me an ass-whoopin.
The weird thing was that when she was kissing the guy, she was staring at me the whole time. Now what the hell do you do there?
My other problem is since I got divorced, my standards are though the roof, and a lot of girls fly off my radar after talking to them for two minutes. :frowning:
I am 27 years old, got my shit together, attractive, treat women properly, and I can't find anyone. Life is just one kick after another right in the nuts.
-Dean-

 

[Jenna]

Your heart has a funny way of being right most of the time, even if your head tries to get in the way...

Dan, you are a wise man and your fiance is a lucky girl. Funny thing is that I'm NOT looking for anyone. I guess that maybe I am still mending a heart that got kicked one-too-many times, and I know I need private time to get over it. But what do you do when you're "mending" and yet nice guys still ask you out and say they're lonely and just want some company, yet after Date #1, you know they want more than you can give???
I know you all hate the "let's be friends" scenario, but what's wrong with having a GIRL-friend? To me, the ideal relationship would grow out of a true friendship. I mean, have none of you ever looked at the person you're dating/sleeping with/married to and think "I love her...but I don't really like her. Wouldn't being friends FIRST enhance the chances of a better relationship for both parties???

 

[Mark Schermerhorn]

Jenna, you sound like a lot of the women I meet. Women I'd love to date but they just don't trust men, due to uh....bad situations earler in life (I don't know what your backround is, but your wording is suggestive).

If you're not ready, either don't date or make it clear what your intentions are quickly. I've been burned a few times in the past year by women who totally gave me the wrong impression, whether it was intentional or not, I don't know. But it hurts from this end as well. Yuck. I wish women would think things through more often.

 

[Philip_G]

date? what's a date :frowning:

 

[Andrew_Sch]

Jenna, looking at your collection, here's what I'd suggest you do. Just bring any guy you really like over to your place and show it to him. Nine times out of ten, the guy will think to himself, "Good gravy, a woman who owns Blade, Gladiator, and Terminator, have I died and gone to Heaven or what?" Chances are that after he finds out how much guy-movie bliss you can provide him with, he'll be totally subservient to you for the rest of his life. Oh I see from your latest post that you also have a killer HT. Seriously, showing off the old HT would probably be a great way to start off a relationship with a guy. It may be true that the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but the second-fastest is through a big-screen and killer surround sound.

 

[AllanN]

But what do you do when you're "mending" and yet nice guys still ask you out and say they're lonely and just want some company, yet after Date #1, you know they want more than you can give???

Because they are trying to replace the lost relationship that they had. They miss all the benefits of being in a relationship and want them back. So they immediately start to want more after the first date. I should know because I acted the exact same way after my last relationship. I know now it was the wrong way of going about things. Now that im over all that im just looking to meet new people and see where things go. If we end up friends that is OK. If I end up marrying of of these girls someday that is cool to.

 

[Dave_P]

I would be in your category Philip_G. I haven't been on a date in about 2 years. I've had the luck to fall in love twice in my life. Unfortunately, both girls cheated on me. I tried to nurture them the best that I could. Both of them said that they were not deserving of a guy like me after everything happened.

Since then I have hit bottom with my self esteem, saw myself gain weight, and lost all ability to talk to women as I once did without a problem. I have spent the last 6 months just living to better myself. I have started to lose weight(I'm not heavy. I just want to look and feel better about myself). I started to play soccer again. I've been eating better by eating more fruits and vegetables(and less redmeat, sodium and fat). I've lost over 15 pounds so far this summer. I've become more active recently. I spent far too much time inside alone trying to deal with the depression during my hard times.

I am just starting to gain back my confidence. It has started to show, as I have started to approach women again, to talk with them. I haven't had any luck yet. All of the women I have approached have been taken. Are there any single girls left out there? I'm ready to get into the dating scene. I haven't been involved in a long time. I'd have to say that I'm pretty inexperienced as far as normal 29 year olds go. I've had two major relationships and that's about it since I was 18. I was with the first girl for about 5 years. I was with the second for 4 years. I did date one other girl for a few months, but she turned psycho on me after I told her I didn't want to date her exclusively. I told her that from day one so that there would be no misunderstanings involved. That was two summers ago. I haven't been on a date since. Well, I'm back out there putting my heart and my head on the line again. With my new found confidence getting stronger with each small success, it should only help me down the line on my endeavors.

 

[Patrick Sun]

Jenna, all I ask is for you to be fair to the guy who's willing to ask you for a date. If you can't "be there" in the date, don't waste both of your time by "being there" but really a million miles away.