Another "Just broke up with my girlfriend" thread ... (1 Viewer)

[Frederick]

I knew it was coming. Three years ago, I met my girlfriend by accident. I thought she was someone else, and we just kind of hit it off. Soon we were a couple, and things were great for the first year. We talked about the getting married thing, the works. And then, she decided to go back to school. Which was fine, except the school she wanted to go to was in Ny. So I became a frequent flyer. No big. The first year of her being there was cool. We missed each other, I actually considered relocating to Ny, no worries. The second year, which is this one, things began to change. When I would go down there, she'd be irritable. We'd fuss and argue about stuff. I swore never to spend a week down there again. A weekend was MORE than enough. The strange thing is that the day I arrived, and the day of my departure, she'd be all "I wish u could stay longer" and stuff. It was the dayz in the middle that weren't very peachy. Then, the neglect kicked in. She'd come home and want to spend the majority of her time with her friends, and I was an afterthought. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. I won't go into too much detail, but needless to say I was taken advantage of. Finally, I had to call it quits. After one year of harmony, and two years of dealing with a long-distance relationship, I had to break up with her ...
I'm having mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I don't feel as bad as I think I should. She's hasn't been treating me like her boyfriend for some time now. I tried to put it on the pressures of going to school in a strange place, having a full-time job, and not having many friends, but I'm having a problem convincing myself of that. I'm not buying it. She acknowledged the fact that she's been taking advantage of me, and says that she wants to take steps on changing that, but for some reason I don't believe her. So here I am, newly singled, partially depressed. This sux ...
Ok, I'm finished. Thanx for listening guys ...
Freddy C.
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" ... Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much ..."

 

[KyleS]

Hey dealing with any breakups sucks for both guys and gals but since your a guy I am siding with you

Best of luck and dont let it get you to down.
KyleS

 

[Carlo_M]

People change over time, and especially given the distance you guys had to deal with, it's not uncommon what happened. It sounds like this is what's best for both of you. You shouldn't feel guilty about not feeling too badly, because it does sound like you've been "unofficially" broken up for some time now.
I currently have two female friends trying long-distance relationships and both are acting the way your ex did towards their SO's. They come to me for counsel and I try to tell them that if they really want it to succeed they will put forth the time and effort. But both seem to be siding with breaking up. One even goes out clubbing a lot and it seems like she's half-hoping to meet someone at these gigs. Not my scene, but she tells me about it the day after.
Good luck, man. Take care of yourself.

 

[Jeff Cooper]

To quote Mission Impossible 2 : "Women, like monkeys they are. Never letting go of one branch until they have a firm grasp on the next"
Frederick, I can sympathize with you. About a year and a half ago, my ex and I broke up and she moved about 2 hrs away, then we sort of got back together and did the long distance thing. Needless to say that didn't work out too well. Since the break-up though, my life has done a complete 180 for the better. I used to lounge around at home all the time and never have anything going on. Now I have really gotten into mountain biking and surfing with my friends, and always have some big trip or something going on every weekend. I also have really gotten into shape and have gone from 205lbs to around 170lbs! My ex would die if she saw me now!
Anyway, the point of this is that break-ups aren't the end of the world, so don't feel to down on yourself!
Oh yeah, and I was also able to finally buy a nice HT setup that I couldn't afford before!
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-Jeff Cooper
"Curse you inspector Dim! You are too clever for us naughty people."
[Edited last by Jeff Cooper on September 07, 2001 at 02:51 PM]

 

[AllanN]

A similar thing happened to me. A chance meeting. We dated for about 1 1/2 years. She moved away to school. Long distance relationship for about a year. When it I graduated was looking to move where she lived things started falling apart. We broke up and 6 months later she married her next door neighbor. So the $3k, I was going to spend on a engangement ring is now going twards a nice HT setup. Life does go on, it sucks for a while but it goes on.

 

[Butch C]

The fact that your turning to the internet for support might have something to do with the breakup.

 

[Ryan Wright]

The fact that your turning to the internet for support might have something to do with the breakup.

That was rather harsh. You've got almost 200 posts, you should know by now that we support each other around here. For shame...

 

[Brian Harnish]

Ryan- When a girl says "Nothing" you should know by now that means that you're in deep doo-doo.

 

[Shayne Lebrun]

When a girl says "Nothing" you should know by now that means that you're in deep doo-doo.

Yeah, but it's also a horrible game. My response would generally be 'Oh, ok, if it's not worth your time to communicate to me, it's not worth my time to try to figure it out. Let me know when you actually want to discuss it, instead of hold it over my head.'

Yes, for the record, I'm happily married.

 

[Page]

You are better off without someone that wants to play "read my mind" games. If she can't come out and directly and honestly say what the problem is, she is emotionally immature. It would be far worse if you ended up marrying this person and then burdened your marriage with HER communication problems. Look else where. There are other women who value honesty in a relationship.

(Not many, but maybe a few...I'm just kidding.)

And don't feel bad about not feeling bad. If you haven't actually done anything wrong, there's no reason you should feel bad. Don't let somebody else's guilt trip ruin your mood. You may feel sad now, but in the long run just tough it out until you feel better.

(Lastly, fire up "High Fidelity" for some relief from your depression.)

 

[Ryan Wright]

Yeah, but it's also a horrible game. My response would generally be 'Oh, ok, if it's not worth your time to communicate to me, it's not worth my time to try to figure it out. Let me know when you actually want to discuss it, instead of hold it over my head.'

No kidding. I have the same attitude and for some reason am also happily married (to someone who is, amazingly enough, happy being married to me). I think that's part of why my wife likes me, actually. When we were first dating I never put up with those games. When she got snippity, I was just, "Oh, ok. Call me when you feel like being decent again." No way in heck am I going to feel bad simply for being myself. (Now, if I've actually done something wrong, I'll grovel and kiss her feet...)

End result is no mind games. We've been married 5 years and I can't remember the last time she played these games... Now it's, "I'm upset with you for (enter silly reason here)." Hey, a silly reason is better than no reason.

 

[Jeffrey Noel]

The fact that your turning to the internet for support might have something to do with the breakup.

Well, I have found some of the most informational and worthwhile help regarding relationships here on the HTF. This thread, in particular, is one of those extremely informative threads. A lot of knowledgable people here!

 

[Stacie]

First, on the long-distance relationship thing: been there, done that, had a very similar experience. Broke up with the guy (who decided after he'd moved to another city that we didn't have anything in common anymore) while he was gone, and (stupid me) started dating him again when he came back. The thing is, it wasn't distance that was our problem -- it was just that having some distance between us made obvious all of the reasons that our relationship was never going to work out. If I were you, I'd be thankful that you had this experience and found out about these problems before you got married. It's probably hard to see it that way now, but as you heal maybe it will help.

As to the game-playing crap, I think lots of people learn that behavior at a very early age and have a really hard time kicking it because it's practically instinct after a while. My husband and I are from very different family backgrounds (mine tended to yell at each other a lot -- no problem with honesty, just a problem with delivery, and his has raised passive-aggressiveness to an art form), and we had a little work to do to figure out how to communicate with each other constructively and thoughtfully even when we're upset. We both try really hard to be aware of this and EXPLAIN to the other person what the hell is going on when we're angry or annoyed. It's been working spectacularly well for the past several years, but it requires a lot of vigilance on both of our parts to make sure we know when we need to say more. It's worth the effort, though. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of real fights we've had, and we've been together for six years.

 

[Scott Strang]

It will all work out. Trust me, I've been there.

Someday you'll look back at this and wonder why you ever cared. That may seem pretty remote right now, but believe me, it will happen

 

[Frederick]

Butch, what was that about? Turning to the Internet for support?!?! Dude, this is more than just the Internet, this is the HTF After Hours Spot. Maybe one day you'll figure out what that means ...
As for the topic at hand, in the time that has passed I've healed and then some. I've reflected on the relationship and see it as a learning experience, just like all the other failed relationships I've been in. It's unfortunate when something that you've put some much time and effort and feeling into come to an end, but it was truly for the best. For me, anyway. I am in a much better place now, and although her and I don't communicate, I hope that she is as well. The feelings of guilt passed quickly, and I recovered pretty fast from the entire experience. Practice makes perfect, I guess ...
I don't know how I feel about the whole long-distance relationship thing, though. If someone asked my opnion about it, I guess it would depend on the people involved. I feel if BOTH people involved are strong and mature enough, they could make it work. It may be harder than dating someone who lives not too far from you, but in the end I feel you'll appreciate something more if you have to work a little to get it in the first place ...
Freddy C.