Haha, ok. Thanks for the suggestion. I actually already have the adapter-converters for digi coax to toslink and digi coax to RCA, and then of course RCA to 1/8" (the wireless headphones powered). That adapter you showed me was the last piece of the puzzle ;) thanks.
I have scoured the internet, for what I thought would be an easy fix. I give up, and I'm finally willing to sacrifice the instant gratification of cooking something up tonight in exchange for a clear, precise answer on what it is that I actually need. My 50" LCD TV only has but one awkward...